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This is a question My Wanking Disasters

Ever been caught by your mum? Or tried to fuck a pillow and got the spongey bits stuck to your bell-end creating a strange new flower? What about the time you man-milked the keyboard causing your PC to short-circuit and knocking out the mains for the whole street? Maybe you're a lady and you were using your mobile phone as a vibrator and accidentally dialed your mother? Tell us your stories and we'll tell the world.

(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:23)
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This question is now closed.

Under the table ...
A croupier mate of mine was temporarily transfered to another casino for two weeks. While at this club, he witnessed the following.

It seems some dirty old bastard had gone into the club with some dirty young whore. While sat at a black jack table, the aforementioned slapper polished the old man's old man under the table. The first everyone knew about it, was when the dealer on that table wandered into the staff room with his trousers coated in the coffin dodger's geriatric man milk.

Casinos are dead glamourous aren't they?
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 8:20, Reply)
Things you don't need to know and so on,
When I first moved in with my boyfriend, my mother came to visit. When she sat on my bed, my vibrator, which had been stashed under the pillow turned on. When she moved the pillow and saw what it was, she ecxlaimed " Your father and i have been using one togther for years". Severe psych. damage done, I wasn't able to enjoy a vibe for 6 months after that.
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 4:54, Reply)
I'd like to defend myself. I've been leaving the tea there before he wakes up, I had no idea he was tossing off.
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 2:57, Reply)
Hmm tastes loverly
1) As a scout, sharing a tent with 5 other lads, one of which (Smag) was obsessed with wanking. So much so that he felt the need to have a wank in said tent at night whilst we were all in our sleeping bags. Now we didn't believe that he was actually doing it, we just thought he was bluffing and left him to it. That was until he suddenly stopped and meekly said "Padge... erm... have you got a tissue... i've just come" And still we didn't believe him... until he took his hand out of his sleeping bag and showed us the evidence. Horrified??? Doesn't even start to desribe it.

2) Me this time... on holiday in a caravan with family once. Whilst the rest of the family were in the front room, I though I'd knock one out in the room. So, lied on my back I did do. Went to clean up afterwards and couldn't find a tissue, sock, piece of clothing, bed cover.. you name it. Nothing. So there was only one way to get rid of that then. Gulp... mmm yummy.

3) And finally another time on holiday I decided to pass some time in the bathroom... and the fucking hotel maintainence guy came to change the lock on the other side of the door. Didn't stop me tho, but I bet he changed the lock preddy damn quickly after he heard the shuffling/breathing on the other side of the door.
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 1:24, Reply)
You might have heard this one before,
but once I brought a cup of tea up to my son's room, and walked in to find him tossing himself off, 'phones on and eyes shut.

So I held the teacup just under his bobby's helmet, caught a nice wodge of man milk as he spooged, stirred it in a bit, left it on his desk and scarpered.
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 1:22, Reply)
My friend from college
He’s the quiet type and doesn’t talk about wanking at all, but he let this one slip...

He had found his dads porno videos and decided that it would be a good idea to watch them. So he gets the first one out. All ready he’s sitting there cock in hand tissues out all ready to go, presses play but nothing happened, does it again but still nothing happened. So a bit disappointed he goes over to the video player pressed eject and nothing comes out. Very worried by now about his famaly coming home and him being there nakie with his dads porno stuck in the main house TV. He goes and gets a screwdriver and opens the case up and finds that this porno is jammed in there so tight that he cant get it out. Now he knows hes really up shit-creek.

So he unplugs everything and hides it in the loft. I don’t know how he ever explained a missing VCR player and one of his dads pornos missing to his family. And I know for sure he wont be letting it happen again because he now has a video-tv combo all in the same box.
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 0:55, Reply)
I said extreme, not extreme TO THE MAX
Oh yeah and once, after a swing park and cider session I was wanking away with all my teen agnst and Marilyn Manson blues, thinking really dark gothic and cool thoughts like how fun it'd be to fuck the members of Kiss whilst stabbing babies. How shocked was I when I realised that I was just pathetic teenage stereotype. That night was a DISASTER, A DISASTER OF THE SOUL...........now I wear bright colours and drink Stella....shock horror
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 0:45, Reply)
The wank that got away...
One day I heard a soft muffled sound from the room next to mine, my sisters. I wandered in to the crimson room thinking she was wanking.
HOWEVER the LITTLE BITCH was actually crying. Not wanting to have bought my camera along for nothing, I wanked all over her and recorded it. Oh happy days.
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 0:21, Reply)
What a great excuse to trot out some snopes-style Urban Myth!
but instead I'll recount a French lesson back in the day. One of my classmates (who I'm told is quite a successful popular musician these days) was spotted by the teacher having a fiddle. So teacher purposefully missed the wastepaper basket with a ball of paper and asked the culprit to please put the paper in the bin...
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 0:19, Reply)
Dis Myking Wanktaster
i was once in my room masturbating my headphones into a cup of tea. as soon as i had finished i rolled over and noticed on the bedside table, a steaming mother, whom my loud music had deposited while i had my eyes closed.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 23:57, Reply)
Not nessiserily wanking but....
I almost got a black eye from my friends vibrator when she whiped it out too quicky from her bedroom draw to show me which hit me in the face. Used the ole' "walked in a door" excuse to explain brusing to mum.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 23:48, Reply)
Ahhh yes,
just remembered this one.
My fella was doing a fantastic job of foreplay at my parents' place. I shouted something dramatic straight from the p0rn0 school of acting along the lines of "OH BABY! You're so good, please don't stop..I'M GOING TO COME!" and immediately afterwards my brother of 16 says from DIRECTLY outside my door "Yeah I'm going now...erm...bye." and slams the front door quickly behind him.

If my brother wasn't such a toerag, I'd almost feel sorry for him.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 23:38, Reply)
Not me! (honest!)
A school friend of mine (namely Andrew) borrowed a dirty video from the school pervert. Bunking off from school early, he hurried home to do the deed.
As the only video player in the house was in the lounge, he checked to make sure no one was home, before settling down for a Thomas. Upon nearing the vinegar strokes, he hears his mum coming home from work early, in his panic, he realises he can only either A, cover himself up, or B, turn off the porn. Fearing the wrath of his mother, and the subsequent confiscating of the tape (which would of led to a sound drubbing from the school perv) he stops the tape…
Picture the scene. His mum bursts into the lounge, to find Andrew, sat next to a box of tissues, cock in hand, and postman pat on the TV. His excuse? He was hot.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 23:32, Reply)
Something fishy.....
This was not me but a girl I knew at school. After geting drunk for proberly the first time, this girl that was quite a loser (she showed people close up photo's of her snogging the face off some poor boy) admitted that she got herself off with some frozen fish fingers. Although she wasnt at all popular then, she became (if possible) less popular and people called her fishy fanny (she was a bitch to me when we were originally class frends so I dont mind being bitchy about it now). Im sure it wasnt just the 2 form classes me and my friends were in knew about it.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 23:30, Reply)
I'll shut up after this one then....
...But I had to mention this one, seeing as fucksocks is such a popular word.
I know these 2 lads who are brothers, so they always have the best slanging matches and fights.
The best thing they came out with during an argument was one of them saying "You had dad wipe your arse till you were 12", with the other replying "well, I wank into your socks and put them back in your drawer".
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 22:34, Reply)
Projectile motion
Whilst enduring the delights of secondary school, a kid in the year below managed to be expelled after being caught knocking one out. He was aiming out of a second-floor window at the time. Not sure if it hit anyone.

(Apologies for girth)
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 22:30, Reply)
My other tale, or someone elses at least.
There was a lad in the village who we gave the "bondgate wanker". He achieved this title in a fantastic fashion.
It all came about when he used to work in a Petrol station, an esso garage, which was fairly isolated from all but passers by on the road. The road used to get pretty quiet at night, so he used to peruse the rythym mags and enjoy a good ol' tug to 'em.
This is all good and well, but one night he'd finished his business, and saw a car pull up outside.
As soon as the car had filled up, it sped away without paying. This was the big problem, as it meant that his boss would look at the tapes the next day.
So the boss looked at the tapes saw him do the deed, and fired him. The icing on the cake though, was the fact that after he'd bled his pipes, he flicked it into the cash register leaving the notes with sticky manfat on them, ready for the morning shift to winder what the fuck had been going on.

Obviously, his boss got his own back by telling everyone he could why he fired him.
Poor lad got will never be known by anything else.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 22:28, Reply)
My inebriated Mistake
One night, many moons ago, I had been out on the razzle in my village and got suitably pissed. It appears I was more drunk than I remember, because I had no recollection of doing this, but it would seem that I went home and started watching a particularly filthy Pr0n0 called gangbang Girl (can't remember which one).

Well, I must have fallen asleep, because when I woke up in the morning, the dvd player was still on, even though my TV was turned off. Also, bits of tissue were strewn around the bed and I was lying naked on top of the covers.

After getting up and getting showered, my dad told me that he found my TV on when he got up at 6am so he turned it off for me. He said nothing about the durteh DVD, the tissues or me being naked, but did mention that I must have been very pissed.

So let that be a lesson to you, always try and set the TV sleep timer.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 22:19, Reply)
nurse as victim
This is from another board I frequent. The threadhead is "What's your most gross, disgusting manky nursing story?"

.........I was a new CNA in the nursing home and feeling very proud of my first step in my chosen career.

A nice little old man in a wheel chair waved at one of my co-workers (a pretty littel 18 year-old, fresh out of high school sugar and spice type of girl). He said "honey come over here please" as she bent down to talk to him. He moved the blanket covering his legs and SPLAT! he ejaculated right in her face and mouth. I never saw her again and thus my nursing career began...........
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 22:11, Reply)
Lest we forget
The king of dodgy wanks, Michael Hutchence. As the Goldie Lookin' Chain said;

"Wanking with a bag on your head tied to a door,
That bloke from INXS, he knew the score"
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 21:52, Reply)
Hostels in London
I've also been told by SWMBO that when she was living in one particular hostel in Kensington and Chelsea, frequented mainly by members of the Civil Service, there was one particular member who liked to wander down the corridor, copy of razzle in one hand and percy in the other. Still he always used to wear the regulation shirt and tie, along with nicely polished brogues. So that was alright then!!!
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 21:46, Reply)
Sheffield Hallam Library
There used to be an old man who thought watching his dirty videos in the uni library was a good idea .The area of the library was nice and private ( until his secret was out !!!), so he would wander in put on his video , do the deed ( several times ) , then walk out as calm as day .
He did this for several months , then one day the librarian wondered why a group of 30 -40 students were hovering and sniggering ! They soon discovered , waited until he had finished then banned him from every library in the county.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 21:41, Reply)
Some great stories here.

Two pump chump...

A recent incident (last night) not really wanking but being wanked. My gf was tossing me off in her parents spare bedroom as she didn't like giving me head, as she always thought it might "taste funny". Anyway, lying bollock naked, being careful not to make too much noise, my gf suddenly, and without warning decided to suck my boaby. I let out a "gWaARgh!" and started spewing a massive amount of testicular dairy into her mouth. Her dad then burst in to see what I was doing to his daughter, she shits herself, and sprays my cum all over me. I was nearly sick, and she just pissed herself lauging. Her Dad dissapeared very quickly, and has been making subtle jokes ever since in the presence of everyone!

Oh, AND a former collegue of mine was sharing a hotel room with a collegue from Newcastle at a conference in London. This guy was a prick, lets call him Frodo. Very letcherous, evil gobshite. The kind of person who delighted in telling us about his wanking obsession. Anyway, the story goes that he got pissed at this conference and made his way back to the hotel room to have a quick rattle of the vagina miner. Upon entering the room he became aware of the geordie shagging a rather lovely lady. Still aroused, instead of leaving he started cracking one off. He didn't think though, and got so excited he wanted a better view. Just as he gets to within 2 feet of the bed, he shot his bolt - all over the geordies back! He got the shit kicked out of him and had to ask the cleaning lady to get his stuff back. He was off work for 2 days due to the injuries. Serves him right, wanker!

Apologies for the mess
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 21:37, Reply)
the other of all disturbing wank stories
my best friend used to have a roomate. note the operative phrase "used to." the roomate had a cat. (keep reading, it's only marginally disturbing and doesn't involve bestiality-- i don't think!)

anyway the cat was in heat, really tremendously bad, but the roomate was one of those types who didn't believe in 'fixing' animals--spaying or neutering them.

apparently, he discovered through a vet (?!) that there is a way to manually get the cat off using a prop. so my friend awoke one day to the sound of a cat in heat getting off, and opened his bedroom door to find his roomate basically masturbating the cat with something-don't remember if he said it was a Q-tip cotton swab or what. not even a bottle of wine first.

there ya go. commence vomiting.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 20:56, Reply)
Men take note
She is *not* asleep, she is lying there wondering how to extricate herself from the situation without sitting bolt upright and having to cope with the sight of you cock in hand. Her sexy sleepy movements are her trying to alert you to her less than unconcious state.

Having twice (in close succession) been woken by male friends wanking while I was 'asleep' in the same room, I really never need to experience it again. The worst was the second, who after finishing up with an "oooh that's nice" immediately 'woke me up'.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 20:38, Reply)
Damnit so many stories.
I once Passed out in the shower during a marathon tug.
Woke up ten minutes later having pulled down the shower curtain. I swear it must have been like the scene in psycho.. but with White blood.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 20:35, Reply)
Ooooh Also..
There was the time that I woke up at 4am after a night of drinking on the town.. only to find the bed covers off me and my now flacid penis still in my hand.
Seems I had decided to have a quick one off the wrist whilst drunk and fell asleep during it.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 20:28, Reply)
So I'm sitting in my room at the age of 15..
Enjoying a nice hand shandy, The Stereo is on and for some reason I will never remember the door is open.
Possibly so I can hear anyone coming up the stairs, obviously this genius plan was ruined by the radio being on.
Anyway it walks my little brother of 11. Well the look on his face will be etched into my mind forever.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 20:26, Reply)
im up to 8 so far today...
dunno what itll be up to by midnight.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 20:09, Reply)
deadly true and not made up at all
One morning my little brother was listening to Ice Cream van music in his headphones. Imagine his surprise when he opened his eyes and found a steaming hot cup of spunk next to the bed!

(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 19:56, Reply)

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