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This is a question My Wanking Disasters

Ever been caught by your mum? Or tried to fuck a pillow and got the spongey bits stuck to your bell-end creating a strange new flower? What about the time you man-milked the keyboard causing your PC to short-circuit and knocking out the mains for the whole street? Maybe you're a lady and you were using your mobile phone as a vibrator and accidentally dialed your mother? Tell us your stories and we'll tell the world.

(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:23)
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This question is now closed.

drug fuelled masturbation
In my not so innocent youth my crowd that I hung about with ( and still see many of them regular ) were big time into taking acid. We were in one of my friends aunties house who was in the process of moving so wouldnt be bothering us for a few days and we all did our normal couple of tabs of acid. One kid was new to the group and was nervous about taking his acid. He asked a few of us if he couldnt take the trip anymore what should he do? We all have an answer for coming down and I said that if i couldnt get to sleep I would crack one off and it helped. About 9.30 pm ( dropped tabs at 6 ish ) I was on the sofa and could here some repetative rustling, I looked over at the new guy who was obviously worse for wear fwappoing away in a vain attempt to deal with his high state infront of about 6 of us!! Needless to say this didnt help to much and only lead to increase his paranoia!!
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:41, Reply)
Not quite caught in the act of but...
Whilst I was out one night my sister used Kazaa on my PC to download some songs. Thing was I forget I still had some lesbian videos in the download folder... it was a matter that was never spoken of again.
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:41, Reply)
a few years ago
my parents went away on holiday so, naturally, i organised a party round my house - 6 or 7 mates smoking crappily rolled joints, drinking Fosters and playing PS2 all night.
One lad, known as Dan, makes his excuses and goes upstairs to take a shit. 15 minutes later he's still up there and we're all waiting to see if he wants to join the Pro Evo tourny we were starting.
So, Bill runs upstairs and the bathroom is empty. Then he hears a shuffling noise - coming from my brothers bedroom.
Quiet as a mouse, and well aware of what Dan was up to, Bill sneaks up to the door and in one fluid motion both kicks the door open and shouts "GOTCHA YA DIRTY CUNT!".
According to Bill the look on Dan's face was priceless.
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:36, Reply)
The scary chap in halls:
A particularly attractive female friend of mine was told by the hall freak that after she came to his room to ask him a question, because he could still smell her perfume he knocked several out over it.

He also wanted to build his own rocket ship :-(
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:33, Reply)
my penis is tiny
apologies for length
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:28, Reply)
Can people stop apologising for the length of their answers? If it's less than 1000 words, it's fine.
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:26, Reply)
I unfortunately wasnt there
but on a trip the rugby team at my highschool had a transatlantic wanking competition, seeing who could jerk off the most amount of times for the duration of the flight
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:25, Reply)
My brother walked in on me trying to suck my own cock. I was soooo close too. Bastard.
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:22, Reply)
Not me but...
A friend of a friend (no really; he has a name and I met him) got caught wanking over Question of Sport by his brother.

Another mate claimed he came home drunk, started watching porn, fell asleep halfway through and was woken by his Mum but I don't believe him.
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:16, Reply)
Man's best friend.
Last summer, I went for a drink with a friend who I had a slight crush on (ok, so I was very into her, but it looked like no dice, so...). We went to a couple of bars, me trying to appear cool and suave in order to keep alive what little hope I had of pulling her, while she sipped her drink quietly. Casual chat ensues until...

Her: I once walked in on my ex wanking a dog.
Me: What the fuck!?! Etc. etc. (Takes calming gulp of beer)
Her: It's ok, he didn't finish it off.
Me: Pffffffffffffffffffffft! (Beer leaves mouth, finds it's way, via the gift of uncontrollable reflex gobbing, onto my companion's lap.)

Strangely, that wasn't the end of the night. Actually, I suppose it's not so strange when you consider that the reason she broke up with her ex wasn't anything to do with his prediliction for canine frottage.

Apologies for length (somehow, an appropriate apology for this question, fnar fnar).
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:15, Reply)
when I went on a kids camp
I had to share a tent with this kid who was obsessed with wanking. He wanted to know how I wanked, and showed me how he did (despite my obvious protestations).
He was a freak and the camp lasted a week. I was quite pleased when he nearly fell in a wood-ant nest. If I'd been more with it I'd have pushed him in and stood on his face while the ants crawled into his eye sockets and up his urethra, causing a slow agonising death. Actually probably best I didn't.
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:14, Reply)
Embarrassment Factor 20
My g/f's mum only worked part-time and me & the g/f decided one afternoon, when we knew her mum would be home, to pop in unannounced for a lunchtime cuppa.

As soon as we were through the door, I excused myself for a jimmy. Imagine the blend of shock/horror whilst pointing percy at the porcelain to espy an enormous, slighlty veinous, electric pleasuring stick on the bathroom shelf. A device that had only minutes previously been vibrating in parts of the mother-in-law that you would feel happier not believing existed...

I've spent many years trying to get THAT mental image out of my head...
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:12, Reply)
Special delivery
My dad gets up early to walk his beloved dog everyday (fear not, for this isn't a man-canine masturbation tale and you may read on). Anyway, somewhat misled by the fact that our back garden gate was always swinging open no matter how much he was sure that he'd locked it the night before, he decided to get up extra early one day and catch the crafty culprit.
Again, that gate swung about in the wind. Walking through it (muttering bugger and fuck as he went), he glanced through the window of our shed (which it must be said was remarkably warm and comfortable). Therein lay the paperboy, furiously nudging a spunk slug from his tiny semi-erect cock as he had done every day for two months in some kind of morning-shed-wank ritual.
I don't know what his house was like, but if you're so uncomfortable shaking one out in your own house that you need to do it in someone else's garden then may pity fall upon you.
He quit that afternoon, the twat.
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:10, Reply)
Not completely related, but slightly so.
One New Year's Eve I was at a friend's house for a sleepover. We were both aged about nine and for a laugh we went rooting about in their parent's bedroom. On closer inspection of one drawer we found a vibrator. Being nine years old we didn't know what this contraption was... but found out it was great for chasing the boys who were also sleeping over with.
Not overly amusing really, but true.
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:10, Reply)
Good god man...
I went to a boarding skool...nuff said methinks...
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:02, Reply)
Don't know if this counts
And my Ex will probably kill me if she reads this so I best start preying!

I had been going out with this girl for about a week and so far it hadn't got vey sexual, just winding her up by stroking her knees and legs. One night whilst we were out in town getting quite pissed she had to leave early to get the bus home. I walked her to the bus station to make sure she got on it ok. Suddenly she grabbed my wrist and took my into a photobooth where I siezed my oppertunity to cop a feel. She also decided to take the oppertunity to see what my cock was like, so she pulled it out and started wanking it. I decided to put my hands down her pants to return the favour. After about 10 minutes we realised her bus would be there shortly and left. When we got outside we were met by two guys with smiles on their faces, they probably knew what we were up to I thought. We both just ran up the stairs to where the buses were and said good bye. It was not until I was walking down past the photobooth that I realised the curtain only comes down to about my waist. Not only did those guys know what we were up to, the also saw what we were up to!

Sorry for length, I have a habbit of babbling
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:02, Reply)
a friend of mine
her brother was caught at it in the school library

i also know a sad loser who admits that he has done it during lessons and once told a girl her liked that when ever he gets a stiffie he thought of her, he is a pathetic creep
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:01, Reply)
Come baby come baby, baby come come
I remember this like it was yesterday (even though it was about 12 years ago). I was bashing away in my living room to the video to Come Baby Come by K7, with my parents in the next shitting room, fer chrissakes (this must have been during my 'horny as a dog' phase). My mum walked in, I covered my shame with a nearby cushion and hoped that she didn't notice. But she did.

Only she didn't think I was wanking. If she did, the story wouldn't have been half as bad. No, she thought I had taken a biscuit from the kitchen, and thought she'd engage me in a bit of jovial tug of war with the cushion covering my rapidly shrinking penis. This went on for about 30 seconds, her laughing as she tried to shed light on my supposed theft, me terrified I'd flash my mum and she'd find out I was flogging the horse to a music video.

Eventually, she noticed the sweat dripping down my forehead and my teenage grip won out against her maternal tugging. I turned away, cock still hanging out, and ran down the corridor, laughing maniacally. To this day, I don't know whether she figured it out or not.
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:56, Reply)
i'm at uni
a couple of months ago i thought i'd play a prank on this easily stressed member of the corridor by hiding in his bed and surprising him a few minutes after.

so i climb in and he comes in a few minutes later and sits at his laptop. after a couple of mins i jump out 'boo!' and see porn of his computer and hands ready to bash one off.

he didn't find it as funny as me, i should have really stayed a couple of mins more to catch him at finishing point.
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:54, Reply)
aye, i was.
After a particluarly feisty episode of stargate SG1 i was cracking one off in my room, eyes firmly shut, forearm accelerating, when in bursts my mother.

Now, i was completely reefed, but in my spinning fog of humiliation, i thought i might be able to salvage the situation. I decided that she couldn't be 100% sure of what she had interrupted, and would probably be in some sort ot maternal denial, and that i could exploit her doubt. I strolled down to the kitchen, where she was attending to her duties, twitching like an excited spa. I sat down at the table and proceded to tap my foot and jig my leg wildly in an attempt to sew the seeds of doubt:"maybe he was nervously tapping his foot all along".
After about three minutes of this, she looked up from her darning, stared me square in the eye and spat "go back up to your... room"

My mistake was instead of leaving the imprint of the scene in the compartment of my mothers psyche labelled "boy becomes man" it is now dually filed under "Son is a wanker" and "foot tapping" permanently.
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:48, Reply)
been close
but none as yet :)
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:44, Reply)
My mates sister (honest!!) was doing the pathology bit of her medical degree
They had to examine one corpse to determine cause of death. The only clue they had was a large circular exit wound on the top of his shoulder. After much deliberation, the class decided that it was some sort of gunshot wound.

It actually turned out that the gentleman in question had been pleasuring himself, whilst stood on the edge of the bath. No bad thing, but he choose to have the handle of a broom up his bottom at the same time. And was using the shower curtain rail as something to grab hold of for support.

Unfortunately it would appear that shower curtain rails aren't the best 'wanking supports' as it snapped, impaling him upon the broom like a man kebab. And hence the shoulder exit wound.

I hope that's a warning to anyone considering having a wank with a broom up their arse whilst swinging from a shower curtain!!!

Still, you've gotta laugh, eh!
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:44, Reply)

(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:40, Reply)
not really about wanking...
but i was at my sister's house watching tv, got up to go to the bathroom, and noticed that somehow, a stray hair had detached itself and somehow ended up wrapped around smiley pete's neck. i decided, "well, i'll just pluck this off." but it wasn't just stuck on, it had actually gone totally around and looped under itself. and so my tugging on the free end caused it to tighten rapidly, like a very fine genital-noose. it was very unpleasant.
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:39, Reply)
Wouldn't that last one
cause some painful electrocution?
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:37, Reply)
the day my mum found my top hat collection...
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:36, Reply)
quite a common one I think
happened to a guy from my old school. Woke up one morning feeling the urge, so had a quiet under the covers knuckle shuffle. Feeling pleased with himself he rolled over; but he heard a noise. His door shutting. On his bedside table there was a steaming cup of tea.

His mum had come in, seen him at it, put the tea down and fled the scene.
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:35, Reply)
I don't wank myself off.
i pay high class hookers to wank me off.
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:32, Reply)
but my mate sam has!!
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:30, Reply)

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