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This is a question My Wanking Disasters

Ever been caught by your mum? Or tried to fuck a pillow and got the spongey bits stuck to your bell-end creating a strange new flower? What about the time you man-milked the keyboard causing your PC to short-circuit and knocking out the mains for the whole street? Maybe you're a lady and you were using your mobile phone as a vibrator and accidentally dialed your mother? Tell us your stories and we'll tell the world.

(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:23)
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This question is now closed.

leicester park toilets again....
having read sparkehs post it reminded me of a very similar incident.....possibly the very same perpetrator (perp)...a friend of mine was pissing in some park toilets I think nelson mandella park in leicester) and noticed that the man stood next to him at the urinals was infact wanking and staring in his direction....this didn't please him too much....needless to say that on leaving the toilets the suited wanker was set upon by a small group of youths and had his nose broken after challenging them..."is that the best you can do??"....no mate!!
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 14:45, Reply)
Dad Timing ( can I be arrested for this?)
A memory from my dim and distant teenage years:

My bedroom window used to overlook the bedroom of a pretty horny young woman in the house opposite. I'm ashamed to admit that one day I spotted her getting undressed for a bath and took the opportunity to begin a fight between Hand Solo and the Pink Darth Vader (oh the shame). Luckily she didn't spot me but my dad decided to come to talk to me (although I was trying to hide behind the curtain) at *exactly* the wrong moment. I splurged but the shock of his arrival when my pants were round my ankles, truncheon in hand, caused it to shrivel to 'cold sea dimensions' simultaneously. One of the most bizarre sensations of my life. Kind of like elation and tragedy combined in one moment. Not one I'd like to repeat.

Thanks to the curtain I don't think he saw much but I'm certain he what was going on. Luckily he made his excuses and left - it was never mentioned afterwards.
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 14:37, Reply)
twice on the bus
and not that long ago either ;x
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 14:36, Reply)
Artificial insemination..........
It wasn't really a disaster but it was pretty weird at the time...I wanted my dog to have puppies but she didn't like any of the males on offer so the breeder said "don't worry, we'll do it artificially". I thought that science was involved......that was not the case. The breeder had to go somewhere else, so he left me, the vet (extremely attractive and about my age) and his wife who was (and I'm not making this up) deaf and dumb. Picture this: me with both hand holding my dog's bum in the male dog's face, the vet wanking the dog (a grown man using two fingers on a dachshund!!), and the breeder's wife holding a plastic glass under the dog's dick to catch what came out (and me and the vet occasionally yelling "move the glass" when she wasn't concentrating and therefore wasn't catching the precious liquid!! Of course she couldn't hear us as she was deaf and we couldn't nudge her as we had all our hands tied up doing other things!!) After about half an hour the vet put the exhausted dog on the floor, wiped the sweat from his eyes and inseminated my dog using what looked like a chicken-baster. We left as soon as we could....and I didn't shake his hand! (PS It was worth it in the end as my dog did have puppies!)
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 14:34, Reply)
I got
caught by my mum while trying to fuck a pillow (I got the spongey bits stuck to your bell-end creating a strange new flower), then I man-milked the keyboard causing my PC to short-circuit and knock out the mains for the whole street. Next door there was a lady using her mobile phone as a vibrator and accidentally dialed her mother.
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 14:33, Reply)
sorry - current headline on the bbcnewsite
'bush in private talks with pope'

i know old jonpaul dribbles alot, but how exactly would this work?

a spot of mutual perhaps.

apologies for lack of length.
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 14:31, Reply)
marmite flaps

(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 14:28, Reply)
What's the rudest song title in the world?
Come on Eileen!
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 14:26, Reply)
office legend
I work for a publishing company and deadlines it is not unusual for the editorial team to work late into the night. I came into work one morning to find our art director fast asleep infront of his computer, fly open, cock in hand, drool coming out of his mouth and "fat grannies fingering" porn on the screen. I did what any caring colleague would do and took a photo to stick on the office notice board before screaming "CAUGHT YOU YOU DIRTY CRANBERRY" in his ear.
Note that there are many other stories about this guy who manages to produce huge amounts of pages despite being permanently stoned. My favourite one is that he went commando on the day of his yearly medical. No big deal I hear you say, but this is France and the doctors here are very keen on making you strip down to your undies for examinations!
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 14:26, Reply)
not me i promise
i walked my very drunken mate home once and not only did she piss in front of me she also started to play with herself in front of me. i went "no thts not nice in front of me" and pulled her hand away but she just went naaah and started to do it again.

i left her there in disgust
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 14:20, Reply)
I prefer
going han solo on darth vaders head.

but as for a wanking disaster - here goes.

I'll save myself the embarrasment of pretending it was a mate, it was me, ok?

In my adolescence, during that '10 times a day' phase we all go through, I somehow got it into my head that it would be a fantastic idea to screw the space between my bed and the mattress.
the result was: friction. As a teenager though, I was determined to see it through to the end.
I finished up and summarised the experiance as ' a bit fun, but more hassle than it's worth'

6 months later, my mum orders me a new bed, and enlists my help in moving out the old one.
Imagine my horror, when, after removing the mattress, she bends down and sniffs the offending, surprisingly mushroom-cloud shaped, dry, crusty spurt of baby juice I had completely forgotten about.

You could see the realisation dawn on her face as she sharply pulled it away.

"what's this?" she asked.
"the cat must have pissed on the bed" says me.

"what, between the matress and the bed?"

We never spoke of it again.
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 14:18, Reply)
Not a disaster just a fact
Dorothy Parker called her parrot Onan because "he spilled his seed on the ground".
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 14:16, Reply)
Did you know...
that if the ice cream van has it's music playing, it means the ice cream man has wanked into your 99.
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 14:10, Reply)
Oh the pain
I had been suffering from a long boubt of insomnia and was off to Glastonbury the next day. Not wanting to spend all night awake and knowing that reducing your sperm count is a sure fire way of enabling good sleep paterns I decided to knock one out.

Unfortunately I got myself squarely in the eye. Christ it stung, I then had to run to the bathroom with my eyes shut and spend a good ten minutes running water onto it. I hope no-one saw this at the time.
(, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 14:08, Reply)

This question is now closed.

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