Toilet paper
Yes, we all respect the soft stuff. Man and woman. Especially when it doesn't break through as your softly cushioned probing "main finger" drives halfway up the manhole (personhole?) to clean anything from gravelly hard lumps to gravy-like unending shite from the ring.

Fuck that. There is a sink and soap in the bathroom. Use your hand (hands? one needs to control tapses and soap) and stop wasting my fucking expensive paper.

Hell, toothbrushes are cheap enough and we keep several of those in the bathroom cabinet.

Length? Two sheets minimum before gay shit finger action.
(Klangtarnflatchslapper looks just like a Telefunken U-47, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 21:33, 24 replies)

I'm sorry.
Are you actually advocating wiping your arse with your hand, on the grounds that bogroll is expensive?
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 21:34, closed)

I think so,
but maybe not for him, but for other people who use too much of his, but I'm not sure. I think he is saying two sheets is enough and if you do accidentally give yourself a rectal examination then just clean your finger.
(Little Animal Disaster isn't finishing what he started, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 21:41, closed)

Fuck that!
Bogroll is something I do NOT skimp on.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 30 Sep 2010, 21:46, closed)

Wasting water is a sin
Especially if it is ours. Pope Dawkins provided you with a perfectly mating cleaning ring located in the lower facial region.

Suck hard now.
(Klangtarnflatchslapper looks just like a Telefunken U-47, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 21:47, closed)

I think that you are an insane person.

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 22:45, closed)

Why the fuck does everyone seem to think bog roll is a good thing?
If you had shit on your hand, would you smear it around with a bit of paper, and say to yourself, 'That will do?' No you bloody wouldn't.

Wash your arses after you take a shit, you dirty bastards. The French have nearly got it right with bidets, but the Asian squirty bum hose FTW.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 22:54, closed)

What if you need to
take a dump:

-at work
-in a pub
-at a festival

Or...err... anywhere that doesn't have a bidet... which is 99.9% of places you ever will

[Not that I'm advocating the bare hands approach, just curious as to how you manage this]
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 23:08, closed)

That's why the Asians have it right with the squirty bum hose.
If you're not familiar with them, they are hoses that fit to the pipe that fills the cistern. They have a little trigger on the end, so you can squirt water up your bum, while still sitting on the toilet.

I really csan't understand why we don't have them in the west, and I really really can't understand why a lot of westerners find them disgusting. It makes me glad I'm moving back to Indonesia next month.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 23:27, closed)

Just for the record.
My preferred method is a squirty bum hose and bare hand. I then wash my hands. In England I tend to hold it in until I get home, then use the shower and my bare hand. I then wash my hands. The reason I mention the washing the hands bit is because the way people talk about wiping your arse with your hand, you would think that they seem to think it will be impossible to ever have clean hands again, when all it takes is a minute with some soap and water.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 23:33, closed)

Historically, though
It would have been bloody hard to get clean hands again quickly (readily available soap and hot water being fairly recent and still not available everywhere).

I suppose that's the reason for British reticence about this sort of thing.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 23:36, closed)

I don't have hot water in my house in Indonesia.
Hot or cold- well, quite warm as it heats up from the sun shining on the tank on the roof- surely you still end up with clean hands.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 23:48, closed)

I can appreciate
the convenience of such a device, definitely.

Until it becomes more mainstream in the UK, I suppose it's wetwipes at best, though.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 23:34, closed)

If I lived in Indonesia
I'd have my concubine/s do it for me.
(Vinnie Strokes Got bummed on, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 23:41, closed)

I do know a bloke who will rent you a midget for the day.
I wonder if I can have a midget to wash my ring.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 23:43, closed)

I love midgets.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 23:44, closed)

I've been exploring the
internet for a good few years and I'm confident it's entirely possible
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 23:45, closed)

Agreed
People of the midgetty (i want full citation as the creator of that noun-to-adjective) persuasion are more likely to get their heads in there.

Use the word midgetty a few times today and try to get it seeded. My thanks.

Bang, and the dirty is gone.
(Klangtarnflatchslapper looks just like a Telefunken U-47, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 5:48, closed)

We have squirty bum hoses here in Finland.
In fact - apart from big public loos with stalls - even toilets in supermarkets and restaurants have them too. They connect to the sink and redirect the water from the tap.

So it's possible to accidentally boil your balls if you don't let the tap run a little first.
(Klangtarnflatchslapper looks just like a Telefunken U-47, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 5:41, closed)

What?
sitting on the toilet
squatting over a hole in the floor
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 9:04, closed)

I did become a fan of the squirty bum hose
when I was over that way, and I can see the advantages, especially as the plumbing was not able to cope with bog roll. I can't remember how you deal with the sopping wet ass afterwards, don't you just wipe your ass with bog roll and then throw it in a bin instead of the loo? Not much of a money saving idea really.

Also don't you get slightly turned on by water shooting up your rusty tuppence, or is that just me?
(Little Animal Disaster isn't finishing what he started, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 10:10, closed)

First time I used a jacuzzi, it felt so nice I sat right over the jet.
Only to have an urgent need to visit the bogs about 10 minutes later, mainly on account of having given myself a chlorinated dirty-water enema.

Not great.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 12:17, closed)

"I did become a fan of the squirty bum hose"
Lolz
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 12:43, closed)

They're great
when they work - but not when some dirty bastard has left them smeared in shit.

Still to be convinced.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 12:54, closed)

You have to get used to those holes in the floor with bum squirty thing.
If you have spent two days on a coach in thailand and store up enough shit to sink a battleship. Don't forget that when you shit you pee at the same time, this could stop you soaking your pants and trousers in your own urine.


The above did not happen to me and i didn't go out that night without clearing it up.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 13:59, closed)