Culinary disaster
Quite a while ago, in another phase of my life when I'd just started working on a cruise ship, the captain invited me and other new starters for dinner at his table. The standard welcoming procedure, and all that. Of course, instead of making me feel welcome, I totally bricked it. Well and truly. I dove headlong in to books of etiquette, memorised jokes that weren't dirty and were actually quite funny, and obsessively polished my shoes. I was so desparate to make a good impression I think I obsessed over the dinner more than I did my job- occasionally to the dereliction of my duties. Nothing too bad though.

And then came the evening of the dinner. I looked the bees knees, the cat's whiskers, and every animals favourite body part. I was positively gleaming. I arrived at the dinner with the other new starters, all as nervous as each other. We all remembered the most basis of dining etiquette- starting at the outside and working your way in with the cutlery, not being greedy with the bread rolls. It was going swimmingly. Then came the starters- soup. Which was cold! I absolutely hate cold soup. So when I asked the waiter to have it warmed up and bring it back, I should have taken notice of the fact he looked at me like I was something he'd scraped from the bottom of his shoe. But he brought it back, looking even snootier than he managed before.

I later found out gazpacho soup is meant to be served cold.

I've been beating myself up for years over that, and occasionally still wake up screaming.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 15 Jul 2010, 14:26, 24 replies)

shh Rimmer

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 14:27, closed)

Don't knock Arnold Judas Rimmer
Without him life would be much grimmer
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 14:31, closed)

it is also said that
he's more reliable than a garden trimmer
( Radebe, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 14:47, closed)

(Sings)
He's handsome, trim, and no-one slimmer
He will never need a zimmer

Aargh... earworm!
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 14:48, closed)

I never thought a poorly-written joke post
Would result in earworms.

But I'm bloody glad it has.

##I love horses...##
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 15 Jul 2010, 14:53, closed)

master of the wit and the repartee
his command of space directives is uncanny
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 15:17, closed)

he's also an excel-lent swimmer!
(Maaarvelous!)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 15:25, closed)

He'll never be mistaken for Yul Brynner.
He's not bald and his head doesn't shimmer.
(TheWonderfulWombat It came to me in a dream., Thu 15 Jul 2010, 17:02, closed)

You're Arnold Rimmer
AICMFP

[edit] shit. Beaten. This is why I've never claimed a "First Post".
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 15 Jul 2010, 14:31, closed)

O HAI RIMMER

( Victor Meldrew, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 14:41, closed)

Piston, you just look like him.
You're not REALLY him.
But you get a clickie anyway for being my favourite waterproof rapist.

:D
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 15 Jul 2010, 14:47, closed)

Heh
Cheers stooj.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 15 Jul 2010, 14:48, closed)

good effort
Although, technically, it was a mining/cargo ship as opposed to a cruise ship.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 15:14, closed)

I know
I put that in just to confuse things a little.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 15 Jul 2010, 15:15, closed)

fair enough
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 15:18, closed)

Pfft.
You should of seen the things my mate did to your mum with Alphabetti Spaghetti.
( Dervel OTBC, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:49, closed)

Don't do it Mr. Rimmer!
It's just trying to make you angry!
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:23, closed)

souper

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 23:42, closed)

Had it within a sentence and a half.
...watched too much Red Dwarf? Moi?
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 9:33, closed)

I hate Red Dwarf
Geekboy comedy at it's least refined.

But even a broken clock is right twice a day - I think gazpacho tastes better warmed through.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 15:21, closed)

You're doing it wrong
Because it was a mining ship.....
(Le Grenouille, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 22:03, closed)

That's what I thought.
Since, in the books at least, the ship is heavily implied to be carrying a load of mined minerals when the accident happens; I thought "cargo ship" would have been slightly more accurate, whilst still maintaining narrative obfuscation.

edit: Although, on reflection, RD could be said to 'cruise' between planets as opposed to the faster moving ships of the universe.

IIRC; they had an originally planned 5y intra-system journey, eventually taking 3,000,000 years of acceleration before breaking lightspeed; compared with the passenger ships implied to reach 1/4 lightspeed on planet to planet trips.

As such, the original definition could be said to be proper; in its goal of obscurity and being technically correct.

edit x2: F*** Me, I'm a geek. Why can't I recall *useful* stuff so easily?
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 5:58, closed)

jupiter corp mining ship
or maybe that's
jupiter mining corp ship.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 16:31, closed)

Ah yes
Virgin's new batch of demi-lightspeed zippers.

But in all honesty, I didn't put that much thought into the post. I was passing a quiet few minutes at work.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 19 Jul 2010, 23:27, closed)