on a similar note
If you somehow got shit on your hand would you a: wash your hands? Or b: just wipe them with a dry tissue?

If a: why do you wipe your arse with dry toilet paper?

FYI, I use baby wipes, one of the benefits of having kids around I suppose.
(Kip, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 11:40, 4 replies)

well, the dry tissue would do a fair job at removing all remaining residue from your hands - where it might fall down, however, is on removing certain potentially-harmful bacteria.

Onto why this is a somewhat nonsensical comment. Your butthole, despite being lovingly cleansed with babywipes, will very quickly replenish its bacterial load - you are achieving a temporary victory at best. Furthermore, whilst you might conceivably chew your nails (although you've presumably reached homeostasis with the various bugs in your own body), or transmit said germs to door handles and whatnot, you're probably fairly unlikely to be chewing on your own ass, or ramming doorhandles into its dark recesses.

In short, bogroll exists to keep your pants clean, rather than establish a scorched-earth policiy for bacteria. Hands, being used for somewhat more varied tasks than arses, require more dilligent cleaning.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 13:37, closed)

top marks
good explanation, i would be against an ad campaign that promoted a "scorched earth" policy on bum wipage
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 14:22, closed)

it could possably be after a curry

(roadkillontoast, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 19:47, closed)

"you're probably fairly unlikely to be chewing on your own ass, or ramming doorhandles into its dark recesses."
Half right, anyway.
(richardm, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 14:24, closed)

true
Which is why I always use an alcohol style gell for my hands after I've been to the loo or touched someone else's keyboard etc.
(Kip, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 8:53, closed)

No kids here but wet wipes are ace.
I think they stuck around from when I was a small child, but they save time and are more hygienic than plain paper.
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 14:07, closed)

I find them...
...horribly stingy on the ole' marmite pot. Perhaps I just have an overly delicate derriere.
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Tue 20 Jul 2010, 14:26, closed)

As a side note
does anyone remember the tracing paper toilet roll at school? Any kid going to school in the 80's must have stunk of shit. :\ I remember training my body to shit at home.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 14:50, closed)

Yep
..also to be found at my grandmother's house.
Crinkly, painful, and didn't even do a particularly good job of smearing, let alone removing.
(Kyzia was here on, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 16:55, closed)

Izal
if i remember right
(boarders You won't catch me with my trousers, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 18:14, closed)

Izal is correct
In the words of more than one famous person, it didn't clean the shite off, it just spread it around.
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 20:47, closed)

Well remembered!
Those kids don't know how good they got it now, PC's and the ability to wipe their asses properly ;)
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 10:01, closed)

Baby wipes...
...block your bog. I know from painful experience from spending an exceedingly hung over morning with my head and shoulders down a manhole (guffaw, fnarr, fweep) scraping baby wipes from the shit encrusted waste pipes beneath my driveway, after my dear father had crimped off a length of spine, flushed and watched in horror as his poo-baby floated to the rim of the crapper.

From that point onwards, I actively encouraged my wife to desist from flushing baby wipes down the trap. My daughter uses moist paper tissue instead, which she kindly also allows me to use. Far fewer finger-through-the-damp-bog-paper-and-into-my-own-ruddy-tea-towel-holder incidences, and I get to wipe my arse with Winnie-the-Pooh. Sweet. I knew there had to be some benefits from having children.
(Tighthead, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 19:59, closed)

My brother unblocked an oveflowing drain in his garden last year
and removed several carrier bags of stinky baby wipes. The wipes don't disintegrate like bog paper does and get caught in the pipes.

His family don't use them so they're coming from another household nearby. I told him to print out a letter of advice and shove copies through all the doors of the houses up-pipe from him.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 23:11, closed)

i only use them for the final wipe
Just for the extra freshness, so 1 a day max down the bog
(Kip, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 8:56, closed)

Butt (see what I did there?), that's how it starts.
Thats what they all say. You use one a day, then gradually it creeps up, and before you know it, you're up to your neck in shite, scrabbling in your drains.

We now use Tesco own toddler wipes, guaranteed not to clag your drains*, and in a choice of fruity flavours (WTF?); fruits of the forest and citrus, or something.




* may not be true
(Tighthead, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 10:28, closed)

*wants a citrusy tea towell holder

God knows what brand the Missus buys, the first thing she does is take them all out of the packet and put them in a Disney Cars tub so the look more appealing to the little one.
(Kip, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:56, closed)

For a a citrusy tea towel holder
take a plastic Jif lemon into the shower and give it a squirt.
Let us know how you get on.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 16:46, closed)

stung my ring sonewhat
The idea was a good one though.
(Kip, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 21:54, closed)

for this very reason...
... it is unwise to use kitchen roll to wipe your arse because you've run out of bog roll and are too lazy or skint to buy more. Toilet roll (and moist toilet tissue) is specifically formulated to disintegrate in water.

Kitchen roll, baby wipes, old newspapers, Conservative party election leaflets etc are either not specifically designed to disintegrate or are specifically designed not to disintegrate.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 14:54, closed)

But the Conservative party election leaflets
feel sooooooooo goooooooooooooooood.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 16:44, closed)