Where are you taking me on a date? What's gonna happen? Who's paying? I want details.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 17:52, archived)

Pizza hut
I'll pay.
(Electric Bougaloo z up, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 17:54, archived)

Depends, do you put out?

( Mu Dinofiddler, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 17:56, archived)

Not to you I don't, the other day I wanted to ask Hoff a question, I did so, it was alright, asked about what daughter he'd do if there was a nuclear bomb to his head.
And you know what, an hour later, it wasn't on the front page anymore. You know why? Yes you do. See, I remember those things. You, my friend, have made an enemy for life.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:03, archived)

we're gonna go to the horses and gamble!

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:00, archived)

I like the dogs, never been to the horses, can do the do the dogs? Can I tell you a story about my grand-dad and the racing dogs?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:03, archived)

yeh yeh go on yeh!

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:19, archived)

do you think we will ever hear this story?

( mongychops, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:26, archived)

Hold up now it was 20 minutes... I'lll write it now.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:27, archived)

time is money gonz
CRITICAL MASS, good bags, 3 for 50
( mongychops, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:28, archived)

I don't get the story 100% how it works, but what happened was, my graddad went to fiddle the odds.
What he did, I think, I'm not 100% on this, was that he got wind of a sure-win, guarnteed winner if you know what I mean, he ran a bookies so didn't take this news lightly. Trouble was, the odds wearn't good, everyone expected it. So what he did was place a huge bet on it, one of the veriable-odd things, where the odds on race-time are the ones that count.... I think.

So what he did was get my Dad, his brothers, cousins, everyone he knew, to go down the bookies and place loads of little shilling bets on the other dogs, all of them except the winner. They queued up and blocked all the tills, umming and urrring so no one else could bet. There was about 20 of them or whatever. This drove the sure-win's odds to get higher and higher.

It was all good, all going to plan, until a minute before the bell, they anounce that all bets are off, made up some excuse, can't remember what it was. So everyone got their money back, and they didn't get that big win.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:32, archived)

I got another better betting story too, if you want. This other one I understand. I donno if it's about dogs though.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:32, archived)

that one is understandable, they got caught trying to fix a race betting pattens, i still want to hear the other one

( mongychops, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:35, archived)

Well, my Dad has always been a bit of a Berty Big Bollocks, especially in his youth. Said 'yes' to everything when it came to buisness.
If someone wanted a big order, he could get it, he'd worry about the details afterwards, and he'd get it done 95% of the time, even if it meant taking a loss on occasions.

Anyway, he was in charge of the bookies in the east-end one evening, when an irish fella comes in, this is in the 50s by the way. The fella asks if we'll take a £100 bet in Ireland, well, Dad naturally said "We'll take any bet", and took it. Don't ask me about the odds, I don't get it how he would know, but they knew how that worked at the time.

In comes Tone (Dad's brother), and he sees this bet on the books, and asks what the hell my Dad was playing at. He said, "Norm, this is the 50s, £100 is a year's wages for most people, and some Irish fella comes in placing an obscure bet? You know there is no way an Irish fella comes into your bookies in the east end, lays down a year's wages on a horse, and ends up loosing". It then clicked, they'd been rigged. But how do they turn this around? Dad, Tone and Melv spend the next day, and all night, going to every single bookie in the east end, and beyond, putting a fiver here and a tenner there, on the exact same thing. The figure if it comes through, they're quids in, if it doesn't, they've covered themselves.

Low and behold, the horse wins, the irish fella comes in, collects his money, and everyone smiles all 'round. I bet the Irish fella has never seen a bookie so pleased to lose before.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:44, archived)

hey, my great grandad was running lots of places in the east end in the 50s,
how old was your dad in the 50s?!
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 19:15, archived)

Oh cool, he was born in 46. It might have been 60s thinking about it, they did start work young in those days though, he left school at 13 or whatever it was.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 19:19, archived)

grandad, not great grandad, great grandad would be crazy
i think he worked from quite an early age, was a schizophrenic though, died in prison
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 19:27, archived)

also, he kept working even while in prison, running a security business

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 19:28, archived)

tl;dr

(yeah right bollocks bollocks, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 19:16, archived)

man, you told him!

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 19:16, archived)

i hope so i have faith!

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:27, archived)

faith brown? is she still alive?

( mongychops, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:28, archived)

i dunno what that is i only listen to dubstep

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:29, archived)

she was/is a female impresionist, blonde, brassy with big knockers, dunno if she now does dubstep

( mongychops, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:30, archived)

what she did an impression of a female? is this some drag thing?

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 19:11, archived)

I'd drive you out to the middle of nowhere, a completely open landscape, at night
where I'd previously hidden a hamper-full of all that revolting foreign muck you like. And I'd let you lie back on a blanket and I'd feed you things saying "oh, try this!" and "and a bit of this!" and you'd gorge yourself stupid in an orgy of flavour while gazing up at the stars.

And then your gut would go bad and you'd need a shit and realise there was no toilet for miles so you'd squat down and unload your colon in the darkness and while you were doing that I'd drive off and leave you there.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:04, archived)

I don't like big open spaces, if you can see the curviture of the planet, then you're...ermm...errr....something.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:15, archived)

oh man I'd freak out what if I tripped over and just kept rolling and rolling untill I rolled into the ocean and drowned

evening ruined
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:20, archived)

that's just how you roll

( mongychops, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:21, archived)

i don't do dates, sorry

( mongychops, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:20, archived)

we're going to visit the retirement home to bathe the eldery

( Lightguy hail satan, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 18:42, archived)

Why is Reg D Hunter always so funny on Have I Got News For You
but when I've seen him do live stand up he was very poor
( magnum, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 19:19, archived)

He needs setups as far as i can tell.
I've found the same thing.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Sun 11 Dec 2011, 19:21, archived)

Good point
both times I saw him he just phoned it in.
( magnum, Sun 11 Dec 2011, 19:31, archived)

yeah,
It wasn't great when I saw him either.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Sun 11 Dec 2011, 19:41, archived)

ABBATOIR!

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Sun 11 Dec 2011, 19:20, archived)