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This is a question Crap Gadgets

We wanted a monkey butler and bought one off eBay. Imagine our surprise when we found it was just an ordinary monkey with rabies. Worse: It had no butler training at all. Tell us about your duff technology purchases.

Thanks to Moonbadger for the suggestion

(, Thu 29 Sep 2011, 12:51)
Pages: Popular, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

I once bought an electronic device and it either didn't perform as I expected or broke within a few weeks of purchase.
(, Sat 1 Oct 2011, 15:50, 9 replies)
Wedding gifts
We pretty much had everything we needed when decided to get married. Instead of a wedding list we relied on the common sense and good taste of our friends and family. The highlights included;

A musical cake knife (ended the misery of slicing cake without nasty beeping tunes)

An electric egg boiler (ended boil in the pan misery)

A Tutankhamun optical illusion lamp that made me feel a bit oochy if a looked at it.

A garlic bread miter block. A large wooden block that held a French stick, and had a slot to guid the knife so that every cut was made at precisely the same angle (ended slightly uneven garlic bread misery)
(, Sat 1 Oct 2011, 10:50, 4 replies)
maybe this is what you meant
(, Sat 1 Oct 2011, 10:40, 3 replies)
you know those 'rampant rabbits'?
well my wife wanted a pet so i bought her two and damn they didnt even get it on with each other so now i have a hutch in the back garden with two rabbits that refuse to do any thing.
And heres me thinking that i can make a fast buck by breeding them them and selling them on.
If i wasnt such a 'tarded window licker i would take them back for a refund
(, Sat 1 Oct 2011, 10:37, 2 replies)
Games related
Atari Lynx
Got one of these instead of a gamebot. It had a colour scren, loads of good games BUT would eat betteries in about 30 seconds. As soon as it's batteries diped below full charge, it would turn itself off. I would then donate the bateries to my Gameboy owning mates. So I had to keep it plugged in to actualy play anything, which defeats the object of a handheld.

Nintendo Wii
Have about 20 games for it, the only thing worth playing is Wii Sports Bowling. Would have been cheaper to go the local Hollywood Bowl everytime we fancied a game.
(, Sat 1 Oct 2011, 10:22, 12 replies)
Particle Accelerators
Thumbing through a classroom science catalog, looking for equipment suitable for a high school physics class, we came across 'particle accelerators' for only several dollars each. Curious, we ordered a few. They were little desktop ramps for marbles.
(, Sat 1 Oct 2011, 10:08, 1 reply)
Drobo - safe storage - NOT
I bought a Drobo FS as you fill it full of hard drives and it creates a raid array so your data is pretty safe. Furthermore you can swap existing drives with bigger ones and upgrade your storage space on demand.

Unfortunately the first unit reported a couple of drive faults and then it failed completely after about two weeks so my confidence in them took a nose dive.

Anyway, drobo swapped it out with a new unit, popped drives back in and my data was there still - huzzah!

Then followed two weeks of the unit randomly reporting dead drives.

Basically if you put a cup of tea on the desk, burped, farted, coughed or even imagined playing a set of drums the drobo would kick up a drive failure.

I swear it even once errored when the next door neighbours yellow pages was delivered.

All because they had used cheap,sloppy plastic clips to secure the drives. Fools.
(, Sat 1 Oct 2011, 7:54, 3 replies)
The sad saga of a bread maker
After quite happily making bread the old fashioned although time consuming and arm aching way,
I succombed to the offer of being given a bread making machine by a mate who had just invested in a newer and more all singing and all dancing unit of bread making technology.
'Its brilliant' she cooed when passing on her discarded big old lump of gadget to me, all you have to do is put the ingredients inside and it does all the work, no kneading, no proving, no knocking back.
Ok nice thinks I, I'm a big fan of my slow cooker and if this machine does bread in the same lazy way, i'm up for it.
First though I have to read the 20 page manual about how to use it, many bleary minutes later I deduce that only 3 pages are of actual practical use.
Next, ingredients in.
Phone mate to say I've just started my first loaf in it.
"Oh I forgot to say, replies she, "sometimes the metal prong thing on the bottom of the mould comes out and gets stuck into the underside of the bread, make sure when you take the bread out that you check to see if its in there before slicing it"
Um ok.
Later, the big leccy eating lump of plastic dings that the bread is now ready, its smells sort of ok, but I open the machine to see something that resembles something that wouldnt look out of place in the construction of a cow shit and straw zulu mud hut.
Judicious use of a carving fork and knife get the offending article out and onto a plate.
I wait some cooling time and then gingerly cut it open, oh yes i forgot about that possibilty of the metal prong thingwee being stuck inside and my teeth itch when the knife scritches against it after hacksawing through a crust that put Mt Etnas lava flow to shame.
The birds didnt touch the bread i strew across my garden, and so far no-one on my local freecycle has taken up my offer of a free bread maker with its totally honest description of use
(, Sat 1 Oct 2011, 4:09, 10 replies)
In retrospect the Windows 7 Party was a bad idea.
Do you remember those daft adverts? Trying to sell the idea that ordinary people would actually get together to celebrate the release of Windows 7, and party hard by showing each other how to share pictures over WiFi, or something of that nature. For some reason I decided it would be "hilarious" to actually hold one. Proper satirical, dude. Not only that, but make it a really sophisticated Windows 7 party. I laid on a ton of posh booze, and used my not inconsiderable cheffing skills to make a range of delicous vol-au-vents. I was particularly proud of the crab puffs.

I invited a whole host of people, techie and non-techie; I even invited a bunch of Apple fans, figuring it would be churlish and unfair to exclude them from what was essentially an opportunity to make fun of Microsoft. And a surprisingly large number of people actually came. Even Elaine was there; sweet, sparkling-eyed Elaine. She couldn't have cared less about this sort of thing but there she was, which left me with a pleasant ache of hope that she'd actually come because she wanted to spend time with me. I was delighted.

The party got off to a successful start, as we made our way through the instructions in those ridiculous videos. The booze and food were a hit, and Elaine, having no particular interest in the computer stuff, kept herself busy by picking at the spread I'd laid on. She was particularly taken with the crab puffs; in fact, I think she ate the whole lot. Things were going well. Very well. Suprisingly well for a party predicated on a self-indulgent nerd-joke. But I guess people were there to have a good time, so that's what they had.

Fast forward a few hours and things were really swinging. Everyone was drunk, particularly Elaine. Alan, one of the Apple fans, was busy trying to download horse porn onto my laptop. I have no idea what he did to it, but it suddenly blue-screened.

"Hah!" said he. "What a shitty piece of Windows shit!" he gloated.

"Fuck off back to your Baby's First Laptop, you fat Mac twat!" slurred a voice. A beautiful, angelic, drunken voice.

I turned, and there she was. Sweet, wonderful Elaine, pointing and laughing at Alan. And then she looked at me. The smile, that sparkling, knowing smile in her eyes said it all. "I know you," it said. "I understand you. I love you." It was a perfect moment. Utterly, utterly perfect.

A moment which was thoroughly ruined when she shat herself thirty seconds later.

It turned out that in my technophiliac haste to get the party up and running, I had neglected to actually cook the crab puffs. And she'd eaten all of them.

I could only look on in horror as the love of my life was carried out of the party, hooting and shitting, whilst Alan noisily vomited on my brand new Alienware desktop. We didn't see much of each other after that.

And later on my fucking Dyson vacuuum cleaner died. This the third one in a year I mean for fuck's sake they don't make them like they used to you know that man makes it all up as he goes along you know it's a triumph of form over function I bet his next invention will be some kind of plastic anus by god.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 23:17, 6 replies)
Commodore plus4
I wanted a commodore 64. I got a commodore plus4
the commodore plus4 was just like a commodore 64, except that, while the 64 had hundred, if not thousands of games written for it, the plus 4 had.... well, probably about 4.

whereas you could get books and advice on how to do exciting 'projects' on your 64.... there was nothing available for the plus 4.

going into a shop to get a game for the plus 4 either elicited blank looks, or a smirk from a salesman who was thinking 'what clever salesman sold someone one of those lemons'

IIRC the common nickname for it was 'the minus 60'
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 21:10, 7 replies)
Apple Newton
I got an Apple Newton back in 1993. It cost me about $1200 bucks! Basically a PDA with a screen you could write on with a stylus. I eventually threw it in the rubbish.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 20:39, 3 replies)
Bathroom scales
I may as well have just painted a square of wood white with the words "You're still not as slim as you want to be, maybe you shouldn't have had that chocolate bar for breakfast".
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 20:30, Reply)
Useless gadgets
The worst gadget in the world which was purchased from a Philipino website a couple of years ago is my fuckin' wife. Yes it was alright for a while, the odd morning BJ, sandwiches ready before you go to work that sort of thing but fuck me! All it does now it constantly cost me money!
Roll on death.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 20:00, 4 replies)
Ice cream maker fiasco.
When I was little I won a super-duper new-fangled ice cream maker in a raffle.Of course I was thrilled and after my poor father managed to get me home,via the supermarket to buy all the ingredients that were necessary (Strawberries,Milk,and 6 tonnes of sugar) we set to getting the thing working.We studied the instructions and did everything we were meant to do,like good little boy scouts.After 6 hours of me shrieking,"IS IT READY YET?",we decided to have a look.

It had burnt a 3 inch hole into the back of our new fridge-freezer (delivered the previous week).Burnt ice cream is not a nice thing.Nor is the look of sheer horror and depression on your father´s face when he realises he has to spunk up yet more money for another freezer.
We tried to get compensation,but of course,it was our fault for following the manufacturer´s instructions to the T.
Now we just buy ice cream like normal people.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 19:57, Reply)
This has to be the biggest waste of money ever. A gadget that makes you resemble a frantic wanker whilst trying to top your highest score... A quick you tube search for power ball world record will bring up some delightful visuals.

Whats worse, is (I was young and stupid) I ordered the wrong one without the score LCD doobury, so I ordered a second... twat
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 18:37, 13 replies)
Do you prefer to go in wet or dry? The Electric Shaver
I get these for christmas occasionally. They generally seem to work okay for a while, but then they start to leave random stray hairs that you just can't seem to get rid of no matter how much you rub the damn thing over your face. They also give me peculiar rashes, like carpet burn.

Give me a wet shave any day - Quite impressed with the Gillette Fusion razors, they seem to last forever.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 18:02, 10 replies)
Woody Goodness
It's a gadget by definition but not in form: the sandwich xylophone.

I collected lolly sticks as a kid - an SAE and 10,000 Fab sticks would be enough for an inflatable Donkey Kong banana. Having fewer ambitions than a daddy long legs, it became my mission. Needless to say, I didn't collect enough; the competition expired.
As a result, I had a summers-worth of lolly sticks. But I'd collected the bastarding things - I couldn't chuck them away, woah no.

Once the inevitable Make-And-Do windmills and catapults had trodden their paths, I spotted the black and decker workmate. Images of doing-ing rulers in maths sprung to mind. A few twists of the orange handles later, the remains of an uncertain Fab points to the sky. A flick - it makes a sound!! I'd invented a new instrument.

Three more sticks at varying length: Mary Had a Little Lamb.
A few more later, I had 12 sticks lined up in the same tuning as an A string and 12 of it's frets, ascending in pitch from a 'dwonng' to a barely audible 'ping'. I'd made an instrument!

The tunes of the day flowed from my new found Lollystrum, the crowds were in awe, and I became king of the Lollystoniums.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 17:12, Reply)
As seen on TV!
Back in the Dark Ages when TV was in black and white, Mom used to watch daytime TV. I vaguely remember it- the Mike Douglas Show, Let's Make A Deal, the Merv Griffin Show- and I remember the commercials. Especially K-Tel and Ronco.

Mom sent off a check one day, and eventually there arrived in the mail a genuine Veg-O-Matic. It dices! It slices! Chop onions with no more tears!

Apparently you can still buy them, but Mom gave up on hers after a time and left it on a shelf in the basement.

Not that long ago I was in the basement and found it, still in its original box. I asked Mom for it and she laughed and told me to take it away.

Something about the way she laughed makes me almost afraid to open the box...
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 16:12, 8 replies)
The Dyson Air Multiplier

A bladeless desk fan that uses Air Multiplier™ technology to generate smooth, uninterrupted airflow with no unpleasant buffeting.

It costs £220. It doesn't nosh you off, or anything. My boss bought one because he thought they looked cool and liked the idea of being able to put his hand through it, though he'd never experienced the heartache of unpleasant buffeting (at least, not in the office) or expressed any special wish to be able to put his hand through the old bladed fan.

The main benefit appears to be that it's easier to dust, but given that it costs at least six times as much as a bog standard bladed fan the same size, and uses about the same amount of electricity, you have to have it for about sixty years for the incremental time saving from dusting it to justify James Dyson's "saviour of British engineering" complex.

Still, polo-necked, Grim-Up-North-London design ponces will nod sagely if they see one, so it must be good and I'm obviously just ignorant.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 15:50, 4 replies)
Nowadays, I am a smartphone-toting media person. Or, in the common parlance: a twat. But once upon a time, back in the mists of memory, I carried THE SHOUTY PHONE! THE SHOUTY PHONE was a basic Alcatel housebrick that could only send text messages using CAPITAL LETTERS! IT HAD A TWO LINE DISPLAY! PUNCTUATION WAS BASIC!

And so I gained a reputation amongst my friends as an IRASCIBLE BASTARD! ALL SHOUTING! ALL THE TIME!

Thank you, Alcatel. Thank you.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 15:24, 5 replies)
My Fleshlight Review
Aunty Vera got me this handy little gadget for my birthday, and I've got to say I've enjoyed it very much so far. It tickles my dickle in just the right way and makes me spunk more than Gary Glitter in a nursery. However, there's definitely room for improvement and these are some of the ideas I've come up with to improve the fleshlight.

1. Speech
There's nothing I love more than a bit of dirty talk! Unfortunately when I'm using my fleshlight I usually have to just talk to myself in a feminine voice, and sometimes when my voice cracks it turns me off abiv. A cheeky speech box added in would be spectacular, with options for different voices like with Sat Navs you get Mr T voice and shit.

2. An integrated penis measurerer
Ever been in that situation when your online camsex buddy asks you how big your willy is and you don't know cuz you haven't measured in so long, so you scour your bedroom for a tape measure or ruler but can't find a thing? Well that can be a thing of the past! Just press a button which makes an inner platform pop up from the bottom, and you push it down with your willy and the speech box tells you how big you are.

3. Theft Security- Penis Fly Trap
With dick recognition technology, whenever someone elses dick other than the owners enters the fleshlight spikes from the side poke out and well and truly mutilate the thief's John Thomas. Bit harsh like but they deserve it the fucking thief. Also great for a prank on a friend!
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 15:15, 9 replies)
Not so much crap gadgets
just a crap owner. One of the great things about getting divorced is suddenly finding you don't have to justify buying stupid and pointless material possessions. Within weeks of moving into my own place I bought:

a £1500 road bike - ridden it 5 times since.
a mountain bike - see above
a PS3 - only own 1 game and can't remember how to play that.
an acoustic guitar - still can't play it after 2 years
a bose surround sound system - always forget to turn it on
a £200 remote control spitfire (about 70cm long) - the bloke in the shop told me it was for intermediate and experienced flyers only. I lied as I have never flown one before. Took it to a safe private field. Managed to get it in the air, realised it was very fast and hard to control. Nosedived it into the ground at high speed. It had broken into several hundred pieces that went into the bin shortly after.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 15:11, 8 replies)
Victor Bombers
Back in the 1960s, my father worked at Handley Page, designing and engineering bits of Victor bomber aircraft. For those of you unfamiliar with them, they’re slightly larger than your common or garden twin engine Airbus, but unlike an Airbus they can exceed the speed of sound in a dive and were built to obliterate large bits of the Soviet Union.

One sunny April morning, he was invited along for a ride in a brand new Victor which had just rolled out of the factory, prior to it being handed over to the RAF. No-one in their right mind would pass up the opportunity of being chauffeur driven at low level over Hertfordshire and Essex in a four-engined weapon of mass destruction (if only to open the bomb-bay doors over Harlow and let your imagination run riot for a minute) so he understandably jumped at the chance.

The big plane thundered off into the sky and was put through its paces. The flight went without a hitch, so the big bomber was returned to Radlett Airfield and was subsequently delivered to Biggles and his chums, just after my dad left the plane wide eyed and grinning.

Worryingly, a few months later however, the company received a phone call from an RAF depot on the other side of the world. Apparently all wasn’t well with the Victor in question and a couple of issues had been identified during routine maintenance.

Firstly, a section of wiring in the wing fuel tank hadn’t been completed and it was a miracle that the plane hadn’t succumbed to the dodgy electrics and simply blown itself to smithereens at any time.

Secondly, from within the same fuel tank, RAF technicians retrieved a three-legged wooden stool.

A subsequent investigation discovered that the bloke who assembled the wiring in the wing used to not unreasonably sit on a wooden stool while he worked. While working on this particular jet, he’d buggered off for his mid-afternoon tea break with the job half done but by the time he returned, the fuel tank was sealed and that was that. I never did find out what happened to the engineer in question, but it’s reasonable to assume that he didn’t work in the aviation industry for much longer.

As for Victors in general, none of the eighty six of them built was ever used to drop anything remotely dangerous in anger. Aside from the occasional terror to its crews, Victor bombers have probably caused less anguish and misery to the population at large than a single Ryanair Airbus does on a daily basis.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 14:59, 5 replies)
Following on from a post below.
A Leatherman "Crunch" multitool.
The reason for it's [almost] uselessness isn't the gadget itself though -- as the sharp knife is great for cutting cables, opening boxes, etc. and the mole-grips, screwdrivers and file are pretty useful too.
The reason it has been almost useless to me is that it's now illegal to carry or have in the car in the UK because it has a locking blade. So now it just sits on a shelf and only gets used for the odd job at home.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 13:46, 14 replies)
Extremely small pen-knife
I went travelling a few years ago and before I left, one of my good friend's bought me something for 'an emergency'.

Turns out the pen-knife was smaller than my little finger and had 3 tools on it. A pair of very flimsy scissors, a tiny knife and another odd shaped tool.

I have never used it, nor have I ever had the opportunity to stab extremely small things or slice up stamp sized paper.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 13:39, 1 reply)
I'd like to invest in Steve Wright's
decaffeinated coffee table.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 12:40, 2 replies)
Robot guard dog.
My cat kept shitting in my cheeseplant pot so I bought a proximity activated robo guard dog to bark at him if he went near it.
Came home and he'd crapped all over its head.
Sold it for a fiver at a bootfair, there was still some brown bits in the crevices.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 12:20, 7 replies)
Two different blokes I know
Spent vast wads of cash on fancy wristwatches. I wear a £12 Casio, so it's not really my thing, but I can understand the appeal, and I like a fancy bit of technology as much as the next man.

However, what I really don't get is that they bought watches which charge themselves from your body's movement - you wear them and they use your motion to recharge. Excellent.


Both of them are a bit thick, to be fair.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 11:18, 16 replies)
The worst smart phone ever.
It started innocently enough with me deciding I wanted to use the internet everywhere, and be able to use my own email account at work without being spied on. So, I purchased the HTC Wizard Windows smart phone -- it was great for the time and had a web browser and email. I was able to go on the internet in the pub!
Then I craved a bigger keyboard and it just so happened that someone at work was selling an HTC Universal -- this was brilliant and it is still my favourite form factor for a mobile device. It was just big enough to have a decent keyboard and screen (for the time) and with the addition of a double-sized battery I could happily browse the web on it fir hours.
So, when my contract was renewed I decided to go for the successor of my previous phones -- the HTC Athena This turned out to be a mistake. The device wasn't even a phone, really, as it was either speaker-phone or on headset, with no conventional speaker and mic built in. Also, you'd look like a real prat with the huge brick next to your head anyhow. Then there was the keyboard, which attached magnetically to the phone -- it was pretty big and you'd expect something so big and heavy to be good, but it wasn't, it was shitty and hard to type on. The battery life was poor too, and because of the slot-loading battery couldn't be swapped with a larger one. Somehow, also, the touch-screen wasn't as good as previous models. Oh, and the phone felt like it weighed half a kilo and barely fit into the pocket. This truly was the worst "smart" "phone" I've ever used.
I bought an Experia as a second phone the other day only realising after I had played with it a little while that it's a resistive-screened about-to-be-obsolete model. Perhaps I've now moved on to the worst Android phone?
(, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 11:16, 6 replies)

This question is now closed.

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