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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Fuck that my News gland has exploded with Fearicider!
Big news coming in your eyes.

It's a visual representation of the Peadof Isles
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2124805/The-paedophile-map-Britain-child-sex-attack-takes-place-20-MINUTES.html

Quote brass eye at lunch you pricks
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:37, 150 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
You are a paedophile,
you are a nonce, you're a perv, you're a slot badger, you're a two pin DIN plug, you're a bush dodger, you're a small bean regarder, you're an unabummer, you're a nut administrator, you're a bent ref, you're the crazy world of Arthur Brown, you're a fence foal, you're a free willy, you're a chimney bottler, you're a bunty man, you're a shrub rocketeer...
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:40, Reply)
Office lol.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:41, Reply)
Unabummer may be the best term ever

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:00, Reply)
It's just another form of racism

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:01, Reply)
One day, a stairwell nonce-bashing left him quadrospazzed on a life-glug.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:46, Reply)
Your child could be splatted by a roboplegic wrongcock.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:49, Reply)
and now it's time for Brass Eye

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:51, Reply)
nonce sense

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:51, Reply)
your children will smell like hammers.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:55, Reply)
That can't be right, only one in the whole of the city of London?
Cus [B3tan] has done at least 3.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:53, Reply)
These are reported crime statistics
A dead child can't complain to the police.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:59, Reply)
no, there are about 3000
for some reason, city of london and the met are considered differently on that. Then again, since it's complete shit and the colours have no connection to the numbers, it's just a bit of toddler paint-by-numbers attached to an article that allows the Mail to scream NONCE.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:00, Reply)
The Met & City of London are two separate police forces.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:02, Reply)
Ah, right so
I'd have needed to read the article to realise it was police-force based, and that wasn't gonna happen.

Although, applying even a tiny bit of logic I could have arrived at the same conclusion I suppose.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:06, Reply)
The lack of a legend does upset me more than all the noncing

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:05, Reply)
I also think they should have ranked it by number of offences at least.
Or done it as a percentage of children in that area, but I think that wouldnt' be scary enough.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:07, Reply)
there's nothing to have a legend for.
They've just applied the primary school "four colours, same colour musn't touch" approach to colouring in.

Because, y'know, the Fail is always looking for further ways to push on through the bottom of the barrel intellectually.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:07, Reply)
I just worked it out Gonz.
City of London Police only Cover the Square mile. Where you and I live are covered by the Met (3420) *mega-sadface*
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:02, Reply)
City of London: 1
Thames Valley: 1264

I'm so glad I never took that job in Slough.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:59, Reply)
Too much competition?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:59, Reply)
Hahahaha
Kroney is prolific
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:01, Reply)
And CQ doesn't want to be stirring his porridge.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:02, Reply)
When there is only an 'eggcup' full rather than an entire bowl I can understand why

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:03, Reply)
i've always wondered how many guys
wank into eggcups
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:10, Reply)
is that how you get creme eggs?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:10, Reply)
It's part of target training.
fill an eggcup from 3 feet without spilling a drop. That gets you black belt 1st dan technical spaffing.

You have to clear that hurdle before you're graded on your pearl necklaces.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:15, Reply)
haha
now I have an image in my head of a Rocky-style montage of spaffing
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:16, Reply)
then as I was writing
I thought about rocky horror, too, so it's all done in basques
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:17, Reply)
I tell you what
if you accidentally get it in the eye of the tiger you'd better be able to run fast. They don't like it.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:19, Reply)
On the plus side, they won't have any depth perception
so you'll stand a chance.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:20, Reply)
Cunt
tea just came out of my nose.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:21, Reply)
*bows slightly*

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:33, Reply)
Kroney has a sore cock
from all that chafing. CQ and I can tag team, there's plenty of room in Slough, man.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:18, Reply)
'plenty of room in slough'
sounds like a particularly sleezy euphemism
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:20, Reply)
That's the bit you find sleazy in a post suggesting that they form a paedophile ring?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:22, Reply)
It's not a ring so much as a job-share
I'm not a perv, you know.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:25, Reply)
Met Police - 3400?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:02, Reply)
See above, I just worked that out.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:03, Reply)
its like you read that as a sports result.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:45, Reply)
You can come and nonce me during working hours if you like.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:20, Reply)
West Yorkshire you fucking nonce

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:02, Reply)
Fucking hell, Beekers has been busy#

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:08, Reply)
The problem with these children are that they are jut too attractive
Constantly having flowers bought for them by strangers, other children being constantly jealous, I bet they look forward to being 13, getting some pubes and fading from the lImelight
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:09, Reply)
Shan't
Someone cheer me up
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:10, Reply)

www.flickr.com/photos/mattisj/5861153800/
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:11, Reply)
I assume that's some sort of naked man?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:12, Reply)
nope
I forgot those even existed
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:14, Reply)
fucking OWL.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:13, Reply)
Good work
Cheers
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:14, Reply)
it looks like the bird that sits on tge old mans head in labyinth.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:47, Reply)
Have you watched the Blood and chrome trailer yet?
If not do it now.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:13, Reply)
Every time I get a link it seems to have been taken down
Although that would definitely work
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:13, Reply)
Oh it looks like it wasn't an official trailer but a showreel and the music hadn't been cleared for use.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:19, Reply)
That's basically cockteasing to geeks with taste everywhere

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:22, Reply)
the last two shit-dullard questions are hardly likely to do that
what happened with the cricket?
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:17, Reply)
Finished 154/1
A reassuring demonstration that England's batsmen know which end to hold.

I can't even be bothered to make a cock joke. Fucking hell.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:18, Reply)
so it was a draw overall?
i am being taken to see cricket soon. considering i had to ask which sport 20/20 meant, i have some serious brushing up to do. some yorkshirewoman i am.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:20, Reply)
No, that's only the end of the second day. Of five.
If you ever ask "So who's winning?" in relation to cricket you will instantly reveal yourself to be unknowing in such things.

And T20 isn't a sport at all, any more than Rounders is
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:22, Reply)
correct cricket answer
Unless a game of cricket has breaks for the players to sup a light lunch it isnt cricket
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:56, Reply)
God no
it's only day two. If we don't fuck up for the next 3 days we might win this and draw the series overall but retain our world #1 status. Simple, yes? ;)

Which 20/20 game? It's a good crack. I've got tickets for the Lords Test on 20th May I think.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:22, Reply)
you two are both too technical for me
i thought i was good because i understand the offside rule. but... 5 days? really? people sit and watch that for FIVE DAYS?

blimey.

i had to turn down the 20/20, would have been at middlesex though. one of the barristers i instruct takes a party there every year. are you coming to london for beers afterwards???
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:27, Reply)
Basically;
Applaud when a batsman goes out to the crease. Applaud when a four or six is scored (that's when the ball crosses the rope), even if it's not your team who've scored it, just polite. Applaud when a wicket is taken (ditto). Do NOT applaud a batsman who has just got out for a duck, you'll look sarcastic.

And lastly, don't chat up any cricketers, they're gentlemen who'll treat you with respect and won't spitroast you in a Travelodge, so are not really your type.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:32, Reply)
Mind you, Steve Davies is a little more Martha than Arthur.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:33, Reply)
I've often thought so
and we can smell our own
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:36, Reply)
Well, that and he very openly came out last year
but stick to your smell sense if it's working for you.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:39, Reply)
I wasn't aware of that, embarrassingly
My gaydar is borderline flawless, it must be said
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:40, Reply)
Freddie Flintoff is a gentleman, is he?
I know gentlemen, *I'm* a gentleman. Freddie Flintoff is not.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:37, Reply)
Of course he is. He always lights a lady's farts for her.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:39, Reply)
It's what's called a generalisation, dear
A sweeping statement, if you will. Possibly a reverse sweeping statement, in this context
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:41, Reply)
more of a Dilstatement
I'll wager.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:41, Reply)
That's a beautifully executed cover drive, Aggers

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:43, Reply)
I was on thin ice with that one
I reckon there are maybe two people here that would have got it, so thanks for that..
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:44, Reply)
In the mood I'm in today
I'm just grateful you're not calling me a bender or a cunt
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:45, Reply)
I wish I did. I have a feeling that I'm missing out.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:46, Reply)
you really aren't
but I can explain if you really want
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:49, Reply)
I, for one, am thorougly enjoying all this cricket talk
thoroughly enjoying seriously considering deleting my account and killing myself, thanks to
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:46, Reply)
I'm sure no-one here wants that, please don't
/mockers
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:48, Reply)
More cricket talk required ASAP

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:49, Reply)
it's about a billion times more interesting than homebrew chat

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:54, Reply)
I at least drink beer and can therefore relate to something in that
Cricket offers me nothing.
*racks brain*
Er... I like Soul Limbo by Booker T and the MGs.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:56, Reply)
nor me
but i am willing to learn.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:01, Reply)
it was a bit of a Gambhle

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 16:02, Reply)
you?
hahahahaha

haaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahhaa.

ha.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:41, Reply)
How. Rude.
I am the perfect gentleman, I'll have you know.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:41, Reply)
you forget i have MET YOU

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:43, Reply)
I get this a lot (every time)
and it never ceases to baffle me.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:43, Reply)
so basically clap when everyone else claps
and get drunk?

i asked the lovely rakky why she likes cricket so much and she said: hot men and booze all day? what's not to like. good point.

eeeeeow, cheap-ass travelodge sex. worst of ALL teh sex.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:39, Reply)
Yes, basically, that'll do it
If it's a one-dayer you'll probably be able to get away with the odd raucous yell as the day wears on too
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:41, Reply)
are you on about the cricket
or the pikey travelodge?
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:42, Reply)
Hey swipe, you know I told you to fuck off commenting about me
because it made you look like a pathetic mental bitch?
You're doing it again
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:44, Reply)
Darth started it
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1579565
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:45, Reply)
Yes, because Chompy is definitely the progenitor of Travelodge sex

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:47, Reply)
I haven't had to specifically tell Darth to leave me alone like a child.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:19, Reply)
why should a reference to being shitty and cheap-ass
make you think it was a reference to you?
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:56, Reply)
oh yeah
because you're shit and cheapass.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:57, Reply)
You're just making yourself look like a spastic
go away
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:20, Reply)
too far
and you know it.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:32, Reply)
12 months of ignoring you didn't work
grow up.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:33, Reply)
let's try another 12.
YEARS.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:38, Reply)
Ah, Middlesex play their 20/20 at Staines or at Lords I think.
I dunno the plan yet. Depends on when we come down and what Mrs B is up to.

Most people don't actually watch for the 5 days. It's more about the event and the whole atmosphere, a la Ascot or similar
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:32, Reply)
i understand the crowd are slightly more civilised than football fans

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:41, Reply)
So is the Arab Spring

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:42, Reply)
well, yes.
I'll be in the member's pavillion at Lords so jacket and tie minimum I think, I'll need to check.

The plebs can wear what they like but it's pretty well behaved.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:43, Reply)
but they let you in?
hmmm.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:43, Reply)
Of course.
I've the very model of refined-yet-rakish.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:44, Reply)
I think that's Kate Moss
Oh you didn't mean "looks like a rake" did you
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:48, Reply)
Kate Moss is about as refined as sugar cane.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:50, Reply)
Yeah I regretted that as soon as I posted it
but I genuinely cannot think of any other models who look like rakes. I'm aware that they exist but I don't know their names. I realise that this utterly buggers my meme and the stereotypes required to perpetuate it and would like to apologise to the board.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:52, Reply)
calista flockhart

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:00, Reply)
Not a model
Not especially refined either. American innit
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:01, Reply)
She's a Ford Model

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:03, Reply)
Calista Flockhart is so ugly she makes bats crash.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:02, Reply)
god, i'd have killed to look like her at one point
my bf at uni nearly creamed his crotch every time she came on the screen
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:03, Reply)
then he was gay or blind, sweetie.
For a start it looks like she's got another whole forehead on top of her normal one. that, or someone shrank all her features but left her head the same size.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:05, Reply)
or had a fetish for anorexic chicks

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:06, Reply)
If he's going for anorexic chicks he could at least pick an attractive one.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:07, Reply)
like who?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:08, Reply)
John Prescott

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:09, Reply)
hubba hubba.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:17, Reply)
I dunno, I don't dig thin girls
but Calista Flockhart particularly looks like she's been set on fire and put out with the ugly bat. Errm, I dunno, Keira Knightly?
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:17, Reply)
We didn't collapse
and we suddenly appear to have realised part-time sub-continent off spin isn't actually fucking kryptonite.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:20, Reply)
You know, I understand every single word and compound in this sentence.
The meaning taken as a whole, however, completely escapes me.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:45, Reply)
Then, sir, my work here is done.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:50, Reply)
I'm with you Badger

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:05, Reply)
You are not a true Surreyman
if you don't understand cricket. Even I understood that.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:25, Reply)
Two children have been subjected to a sex attack since this thread began*
I HOPE YOU ARE PLEASED WITH YOURSELF, CHOMPY?


*Statistics according to Daily Mail 04/04/12
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:18, Reply)
Nope, but I am
*zips*
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:26, Reply)
Well there's one, who was the other one?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:51, Reply)
Afternoon fake swipey

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:56, Reply)
hello

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:02, Reply)
hello pudding, how are you?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:04, Reply)
Hello there.
I am going crosseyed with exhaustion/accounts-based tedium this afternoon.

I've started daydreaming about beer.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:05, Reply)
i'm a bit crossed eyed from beer
i hope this helps
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:07, Reply)
Not a whole lot.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:16, Reply)
Afternoon K
How's your back?
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:06, Reply)
its killing me

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:10, Reply)
How have you managed that?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:16, Reply)
i
Think its my bed
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:32, Reply)
Your posts today have been described variously as "rabid", "pig-ignorant" and "stultifyingly ill-informed".
Thanks... for those.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:07, Reply)
Yours have been described as "tedious", "bent" and "spasticated".

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:16, Reply)
your daughter has a great vocabulary!

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:18, Reply)
I'm helping Nakers out

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:19, Reply)
Thanks!!

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:22, Reply)
No they haven't.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:24, Reply)
This was aimed at all of the respondents to the thread
It is also a Brass Eye quotation
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:29, Reply)
ooh are we publishing gazzes now?
i have some beauties.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:29, Reply)
This claim is losing validity the more you make it without backing it up with evidence.


P.S. Please don't show everyone the cockgaz I sent. Thanks.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:31, Reply)
i'm just too lazy to scroll back through them all

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:34, Reply)
Cornwall 871?
That's what they think!
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 16:38, Reply)

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