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# Least texted
were the people without mobile phones. It's a sad phenomenon, and one that will continue to plague those with no desire or ability to possess one. However, Charles saw fit to battle on, regardless of how much he was terified of the truth.
(I helped save b3ta! brainstuff can eat a whole shredded wheat, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:33, archived)
# The snow was thick on his boots
as he trudged a lonely path along the river bank. How many times had he been here on nights like this, in this very place, and wondered how long it could continue.
(I helped save b3ta! supermoore: HUNG, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:36, archived)
# could continue, But he could go no further
he had worn a hole in his boots. As he walked bear foot across the road to the phone box he noticed an old tatty box. Curious he kicked the top off the box to find a shiny new pair of reebok trainers. Cramming his size 10 feet into the new size 8s he contiued on his quest
(I helped save b3ta! AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:40, archived)
# ...continued on his quest
Suddenly gripped with inexplicable fear, he froze!

It hit him hard, "I look like a filthy towny!"
(I helped save b3ta! Spunkmeyer, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:44, archived)
# "I look like a filthy townie"
Gripped with fear he made a hard left into a hardware store. What kind of tool could aid his escape from this nightmare?
(I helped save b3ta! supermoore: HUNG, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:45, archived)
# ...escape from this nightmare?"
Scanning the shelves closely, a glint caught his eye"Ahh, a screwdriver.

"He knew as well as anyone that a male was not truly a man without a screwdriver in his tracksuit pocket. Paying the shopkeeper with a kick to the face and a witty retort of "you fucking cunt", he left the shop.
(I helped save b3ta! Spunkmeyer, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:48, archived)
# the shop
running through the street shouting GOFF, MOSHER, FREAK. to which, out of the blue a man who will remain names to conceal his identity stuck out a well placed foot, tripping said townie and banging his head on the floor knocking him clean out.
(I helped save b3ta! AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:51, archived)
# ....Clean out
The nameless man then kicked the living shit out of him.
(Feckless Ne'erdowell, Wed 5 Feb 2003, 15:07, archived)
# the shop
before the shop keeper could ask

"You like bag?"
(I helped save b3ta! AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:56, archived)
# You like bag?
It can be yours. In fact all this can be yours, if only you will give yourself into the caring hands of medical science...
(I helped save b3ta! Lethe is carrying a spade. SPANG., Tue 4 Feb 2003, 2:24, archived)
# Medical science
because we need more balls fill with cancer
(I helped save b3ta! AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Wed 5 Feb 2003, 5:20, archived)
# filthy townie
A...ere pall, len us ten pence so a can git me sum fags please
(I helped save b3ta! AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:47, archived)
# 'Fags please'
The sergeant wearily asked, an oversized helmet precariously perched upon his brow. He had lost the one the supply officer had given him early on in his somewhat blighted career, and very nearly his life, to a sniper in the hellish streets of Stalingrad. No matter that they were on the same side, many had lost their minds from the blood-stained recreation of a charnel house the higher ups had commissioned. After receiving his quota of the heavily rationed cigarettes, and pausing briefly to light up in a practice manner, he slumped against the counter of the store the supply division had requisitioned, seeming to collapse in upon himself as he slowly released the watchfulness of the hunted that had kept him alive for so long upon the broken streets of a once proud city. His mind drifted back to a more peaceful time, another life that seemed a century or more gone, not the scant few years he had been surviving upon the front. Smiling wearily, he snorted, and quietly joked, 'So, do you come here often?'
(I helped save b3ta! Lethe is carrying a spade. SPANG., Tue 4 Feb 2003, 2:08, archived)
# here often?"
"Now and again"
whispered an eerie voice from over his left shoulder.
(I helped save b3ta! Ijon Tichy, Wed 5 Feb 2003, 15:12, archived)
# The truth
was something Elly didn't want to know. The landscapes of madess that occupied her mind filled her with enough apprehension already. Somewhere nearby, a tapped dripped a sombre staccato.
(I helped save b3ta! Ratsta, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:37, archived)
# "Sombre staccato."
The words were unfamilar but the voice wasn't. It was Elly, but why was she talking to herself and how long had she been leaning against the opposite side of the lamppost?
(I helped save b3ta! Professor Fnord Regius Professor of B3ta Chronology, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:41, archived)
# the lampost
which was big
(I helped save b3ta! AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:42, archived)
# was big
and strong
(I helped save b3ta! AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:47, archived)
# "...was big"
Charles managed to blurt out, moments before the arrow thudded into his adam's apple.

Elly thought to herself, "Now that's something you don't see every day".
(I helped save b3ta! brainstuff can eat a whole shredded wheat, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:48, archived)
# Which was Big
Ace glanced from one man to the other, hoping to divine the identity of the City's most violent of crime lords. Slowly easing the trigger back on his gun, he casually remarked 'IT was a stroke of genius hiding in this convention of fat men, Big, but the jig is up.'
(I helped save b3ta! Lethe is carrying a spade. SPANG., Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:51, archived)
# " 'is up!!"
shouted the transexual fluffer, satisfied with a job well done. But she still had her child to think of. Her/his only son. Daddy's girl..."
(I helped save b3ta! Spunkmeyer, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:55, archived)
# "Sombre staccato,"
he said, right out of the blue.
"Sombre who?"
"You heard."
I could tell by the seed of a grin that was germinating on his face that he was winding me up.
"You need medication," I replied, a sneer growing on my lips like an unhealthy porcupine.
"Ha, look at you, trying to be self-referential!" he retorted, his head glowing a multi-hued reed-green tinge as his arm, fully 9 inches long, sprayed insecticide on my goldfish.
"Bugger off you, stop with the crappy prose"
Eh?
You can't talk to me like that, I'm writing this friggin' story!!
"Piss off, talantless fuckwit!!" I said, a low gravelly voice neatly masking my body odour.
Jesus, I can't believe it, my own story hijacked by an underdeveloped character!!
"Muhahaha!!" Now I had him, he was ready to break like a stainless steel chicken.
(I helped save b3ta! djol, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:47, archived)
# Like a stainless steel chicken
she rose upon the morn, bringing new life to the world with the fruits of her labours, and then, indeed, Farmer Jones did notice her. He gathered her into his arms, his great hands caressing her slender neck, before tightening in passion...

Crack

'Mmmm, this'll make a good pie' he did comment.
(I helped save b3ta! Lethe is carrying a spade. SPANG., Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:56, archived)
# he did comment
which was very lucky because before he went out his wife had told him "When come back bring pie"
(I helped save b3ta! AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 1:59, archived)
# "when come back bring pie"
It was all he ever heard from her these days, pie, pie, bloody pie! If she didn't shut up about the pie she was going to end up in..... That's when the idea struck him, and there was no turning back.
(I helped save b3ta! supermoore: HUNG, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 2:06, archived)
# Turning back
to face herself in the mirror, Elly stared at her reflection for several long minutes. Chittering noises flickered in and out of hearing, just on the edge of perception. Her vision began to distort, the lights seemingly stretching and rocking and just the flicker of a shadow. Fighting a rising surge of panic, Elly stepped from the bathroom into the hall.
(I helped save b3ta! Ratsta, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 2:17, archived)
# The Hall Effect?
'I can't remember the bloody Hall Effect!' I cried, staring blearily at Martine over my third glass of port. Port it may have been, but my insides were trying to convince me that the innocuous ruby liquid I had been imbibing had more in common with tile grouter than fortified wine. The stunt flight my stomach appeared to be starring in climaxed at that moment with a full-bodied Immelman; Port indeed.
(I helped save b3ta! Lethe is carrying a spade. SPANG., Tue 4 Feb 2003, 2:22, archived)
# "Port indeed,"
the Captain assured me.
"You're sure? You're absolutely positive you want me to steer to port?"
"That's right"
"And that sodding great iceberg doesn't dissuade you from this new course heading?"
"Iceberg? What Ice..."
And that's when the Titanic hit it. It was their own fault really, letting me drive. I am a woman, after all.
(I helped save b3ta! djol, Tue 4 Feb 2003, 2:29, archived)
# I am a woman, after all
Samuel blithely said to me, before attempting to crush my skull with a solid iron mallet. 'Arfgh' I wittily replied, my mind more on tryingf to figure out how events had conspired to reach this impasse.

We had been sleepily sunbathing, passing through the hottest hours of the day in sweet indolence, when out of the blue, Samuel asked me to marry him. Samuel had been my friend since childhood, yet had never really recovered from the blow to his head he received after falling a-fowl, quite literally, of the machine the French were using to test the ability of new designs of aeroplanes to cope with a mid-air collision of the avain kind during our annual college field trip. Unfortunately for poor Samuel, and indeed myself due to said proposal, the poor French blighters were using frozen chickens in their tests, doubly stupid, since it is unlikely you will ever encounter a chicken at twenty thousand feet, since said birds are flightless, let alone a frozen chicken. Slowly easing myself into a crouch, I cautiously replied to my poultry-deluded friend 'I'm frightfully flattered by your offer old chap, but surely that is a little out of the question, me being male and all?'

Samuel turned to me, his eyes taking on that look that only those either truly enlightened or insane own, his left eyebrow twitching slightly in an hypnotic rhythm as he calmly returned 'Oh no, darling, for I am a woman after all'

My musings had left me open however, and I felt the full force of the mallet of my wouldbe fiance, or is it fiancee in his currently deluded state? 'Tis but a scratch' I valiantly declaimed, before succumbing to the darkness.
(I helped save b3ta! Lethe is carrying a spade. SPANG., Tue 4 Feb 2003, 2:49, archived)
# The darkness gradually lifted, and I saw a strange creature before me. At first I was confused, what kind of animal has two heads? And then, slowly it dawned on me. I had come face to face to face with...

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(I helped save b3ta! Purple Martin is board sigless, Wed 5 Feb 2003, 5:47, archived)