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This is a question That One Mate

Second Best Porcupine asks, “can we have another story about that lovable scamp Alan, please?” We all know an “Alan”. Tell us about that one mate who can't help but get in to trouble.

(, Thu 2 Jul 2015, 10:54)
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Not bad, just sad.
My mate Alan wasn't a bad person, but he did get odd and strange ideas that he would put in to practice without regard to the consequences.

For example he was in a friends house and decided their very expensive Japanese kitchen knife set, that was a wedding present, needed improvement. So he put them in the gas fire. He ruined them, but was adamant they were better because they were now "tempered".

On another occasion he decided that drinking six raw eggs for breakfast every morning was good for his health. Despite a lengthy hospital stay it took three months before he gave up.

He had a belief that if the checkout total of his shopping was even one penny out he was entitled to all of his shopping for free. He would put about £200 worth of stuff in his trolley and carefully add up his own total. If the checkout total was different he'd get in to an argument that he never won. After losing the argument he would just walk out leaving the shopping behind. Eventually he got barred from most of the local supermarkets.

His one really big strange belief and the saddest one was his belief that he could cross the road anywhere he wanted (even dual carriageways) and cars were legally obliged to stop for him. We tried to argue with him that cars were indeed supposed to stop for pedestrians, but being required to stop was different from being able to stop. Two years ago I was reading the local paper and there was a a story about Alan, he had been killed crossing a dual carriageway.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 17:22, 14 replies)
Good
Sounded like a total fuckwit
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 19:21, closed)
You, on the other hand, sould like an utter cunt

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:10, closed)
Ok hun.
Being upset on the internet isn't good for you.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 19:32, closed)
Alan was mentally ill and never got the help he so obviously needed.
Still, he's dead now, which will save the NHS a few bob.

Come to think if it, more people should die for the good of the economy.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 22:30, closed)
WORLD WAR THREE!
Here we come my pretties!
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 23:09, closed)
Strange, in my limited time on here you've never struck me as someone completely lacking in compassion, presumably your comment was sarcastic?
I work with a wide range of people with mental health struggles, and the vast majority were either abused as kids or ex-armed forces, police etc.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:09, closed)
are you on your "mensies" today?
or have you been at your client's loopy pills?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:56, closed)
Fuck compassion
There are a whole army of useless cunts that should be wiped out for their own good that hide behind the convenient filter of 'mental health issues'.


Me? I should just be wiped out anyway, regardless of mental stability.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 19:37, closed)
The first line was serious,
the second sarcastic.
The third was flippant.

I am one of the nicer ones here, though.
(, Wed 8 Jul 2015, 7:43, closed)
Drinking raw eggs wouldn't hospitalise you, although your guts might be a bit manky.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 17:16, closed)
Depends
salmonella can get a little bit 'frisky'.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 22:15, closed)
STDH.TXT

(, Wed 8 Jul 2015, 1:14, closed)
Probably not actually mentally ill
More likely just a fuckwit with some unshakeable misguided beliefs.
(, Wed 8 Jul 2015, 9:01, closed)
That's it exactly.
When he wasn't coming up with his crazy ideas he was quite normal and he didn't stand out in any way.

But when he got one of his ideas nothing could stop him.

He decided that he wanted to breed budgies and canaries. He got it in to his head that it would make him a lot of money. So he built a massive aviary in his yard out of found materials, such as old chicken wire and stuff he found in skips. He then spent maybe £500+ on getting the birds. He should have spent the money on the aviary as they had all escaped within 24 hours of going in.

He also spent about another £500 buying old analog mobile phones just before that network was shut down believing they would become valuable collectors items one day.
(, Wed 8 Jul 2015, 14:24, closed)

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