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This is a question That One Mate

Second Best Porcupine asks, “can we have another story about that lovable scamp Alan, please?” We all know an “Alan”. Tell us about that one mate who can't help but get in to trouble.

(, Thu 2 Jul 2015, 10:54)
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Whassupp motherfuckers. Isn't this site dead YET?
TL:DR - Alan's a nonce..

My ex-mate Alan, who we shall call Ray because etc. skived, coasted and basically fiddled his way through life after leaving college. Don't think he ever had a proper job from 1991 to 2001, except for a YTS at a hi-fi store for a year after being booted out of college for hardly ever turning up. Went on an IT training course because he'd get an extra tenner in his dole. Found out if he got a work placement, he'd still get his extra tenner. Got a builder he knew to say he was working there, took 18 weeks off doing fuck all.
Anyway, in February 2001 he was arrested for having kiddie porn on his computer and also allegedly interfering with his 13yo brother in law. How we all laughed. Then in the September, he sold all his stuff, skipped bail and fled to France. With his pregnant wife and 3yo daughter. Did he succeed at this? No. Because rather than staying at cheap B&Bs and such, being smart and lying low, he booked them into a hotel in Cannes for two weeks. Ran out of cash, had to come home. Got put on remand, and eventually got 4 years. And that was pleading guilty. If you plead guilty, they knock a third off the sentence. So whatever the final indictment was, it carried a 6yr sentence.

In October 2013, the police knocked on my door and told me that he'd gotten a passport in my name, and his wife and daughter a passport in the names of another friend and her daughter. I've never had cause to apply for a passport, but if I do, I'm going to have to go to Durham with all the ID I can muster and tell them that I am who I say I am.

So Ray, you're a colossal cunt and hope you get bully raped by someone with horse AIDS, and then the hospital burns down.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 19:53, 15 replies)
You've never had a passport?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 20:02, closed)
he's never been on a boat either. there's something really wrong with him

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:17, closed)
No passport?
Are you some kind of American?
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 20:18, closed)
No, he's Bhutanese.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 20:29, closed)

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:43, closed)
I aren't paying £80 or whatever to not leave the country.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 20:29, closed)
This. Must have gotten mine was I was 16, and can probably count on one hand the number of times I've used it.
Didn't bother renewing it when it expired, won't bother until I know I'm going to need it.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 22:28, closed)
where do you go on holiday?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:53, closed)
but but but but but but but
there's a whole world out there
(, Wed 8 Jul 2015, 12:24, closed)
what happens when you need to go abroad?

(, Wed 8 Jul 2015, 12:28, closed)

(, Wed 8 Jul 2015, 12:28, closed)
What hospital?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 21:57, closed)
the Aids hospice

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 22:05, closed)
horse piss more like

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 23:29, closed)

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Pages: Popular, 2, 1