scratching that itch
He came into my room last night. I lay on the bed, waiting in the silence. I felt him gently touch my skin as he explored my body, licking sucking, swallowing - I groaned and moved as I felt him take his fill - and then, just as he was satisfied, he left. I was hurt, but what could I do? No matter how tightly you close the window there's always one goddamn mosquito that gets through. I reached for the Anthisan.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 12:54, 44 replies)

Mosquitos?
In Brizzle?


In April?


Christ. Global warming's graver than I thought.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:00, closed)

I may have stretched the truth a little.
I did see a woodlouse on my front step though.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:01, closed)

Woodlouse?
That's worse.


Someone once pointed out to me that prawns were effectively just swimming woodlice. It put me off prawns for almost half an hour.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:03, closed)

Woodlice
Their only form of defence is to curl up into a small, more bite-sized ball for the hedgepigs to eat.
One of nature's little quirks.

3===D
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:03, closed)

I call woodlice
"slaters". I have no idea why. Always have done. It works though, as names for them go.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:05, closed)

You can't
Drown a woodlouse.

Fact.
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:05, closed)

^
what are they? Are they aliens?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:07, closed)

Okay, that's it.
Who lives near CHCB? Someone needs to give her a thorough shagging...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:07, closed)

Slaters
Because you once saw one in leopard print leggings and another, bionic one shouting at each other, 'You ain't my MUVVER!'

'YES I AM!'


(ninja'd)
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:08, closed)

Like prawns
They have gills.
That's why they live in damp places - damp gills can absorb oxygen from the air.

EDIT: I'm up for the thorough shagging too, by the way. (will travel)
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:08, closed)

@Kaol
thorough

brief, unsatisfying and awkward
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:10, closed)

hello!

(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:18, closed)

do I get a say
in the matter?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:20, closed)

Point of order CHCB
I believe it's only female mosquitos which suck blood...

(BTW, I call woodlice slaters too. Must be a celtic thing)
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:22, closed)

Oh
I didn't realise we were volunteering to shag her. I only read Kaols post.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:23, closed)

@CHCB
I'd say you already did.

I would volunteer myself, but there's this great mass of water in the way...

As for the bugs- they're also called pill bugs or roly-polys, although I always called them rollup bugs. We have them over here too.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:23, closed)

^@K2k6
yeah, I knew it was the females who carried the disease but I wasn't sure who got bitey. Maybe I should ninja it...
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:23, closed)

it was a lesbian mosquito

( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:23, closed)

@al
Kaol's not fussy, I'm sure if you ask nicely...
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:24, closed)

If its Kaol
I wouldn't ask at all, why should he get a say?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:26, closed)

He's fussy like that
but I'm sure that if you surprise him, even though he'll be screaming, 'NO! NO! PLEASE GOD NO!'

What he really means is, 'I want it up my pooper, please come in my eyes.'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:29, closed)

It's always the way with Kaol
I find a rag full of chloroform just as he opens his front door normally does the trick.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:31, closed)

Me
I prefer the struggle, it adds a sense of urgency to my love-making.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:32, closed)

@CHCB
Nah, much better with the zoological inaccuracy for the purposes of a good story.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:33, closed)

@bert
do you lube up before or after you tie him down?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:37, closed)

@Kaol
Above ^^^ we have two posts, mine on top of CHCB's, yours beneath. I will draw a penis in mine, you edit yours and do likewise.

Hey presto! -Interspitroastnet!

@al LUBE?

EDIT K2k6 -just noticed your sig! I wanted to make that character a b3tan too, consider yourself 'Official Shabby Breathless Stranger'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:38, closed)

Slaters
Me too - haven't heard that while living amongst the heathen, so it must be wot he said.

Celtic Arthropod Namers of the World Unite.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:38, closed)

Guys...
Seriously, I feel sullied :(
Not the thing to read after coming back from lunch...
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 14:07, closed)

DO IT

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 14:12, closed)

*produces chloroform*
*pounces*
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 14:15, closed)

*survival instincts kick in*
*pulls knife*
*screams*

*runs away*
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 14:23, closed)

*curses Bert giving him the heads up*
*uses chloroform on Bert*
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 14:24, closed)

*pretends to be asleep*

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 14:25, closed)

*Enjoys it all the more*

(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 14:30, closed)

*releases goat into the room*
*presses "record" on camera*
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 14:32, closed)

Fer God's sake!!!
Someone just stick Bert, Al and Kaol in a room with a few farmyard animals and an industrial tub of lube and let them get on with it. This homoerotic sexual tension they unleash on us daily is driving me mad.
( girlinthehole, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 14:43, closed)

^^ If you can't beat them...
Join them?
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 14:46, closed)

I'm sorry BGB
They started it.

I promise, no more goat or al, Kaol and I sex related posts from me anymore, if you like.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 14:46, closed)

*cries*

(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 14:51, closed)

*bums*
I only said it to upset you, al, I love teh make up sex.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 14:52, closed)

Lordy
Freud* would have a field day with you guys.




*If it was Emma Freud I'd be in their like a shot. Used to have a thing for Emma when I was younger, so I did.

Oh, and woodlice = slaters in my neck of the woods too.

As you were, gents...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 25 Apr 2008, 15:13, closed)

I've always called woodlice slatey-backs
Which is neither rude nor funny.
COCKING PISSFLAPS!

*edit*

here's a fat wobbly bottom instead {__.__}
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 15:55, closed)

there is a woodlouse graveyard
behind my bedroom cabinet. they keep getting in to eat the ant powder, stupid bastards.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 20:08, closed)

Strangely enough, down here in Kent woodlice are called
Monkeypees
Or maybe that's
Monkeypeas


And Al, Kaol and Bert, I like to read your daily homo/bestial erotic outpourings.

Here, have a goat.


*hands goat and cock for good measure
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sat 26 Apr 2008, 9:39, closed)