On the same camping trip that I mentioned earlier in this QOTW
My friends and I stumbled upon the Monkey World sanctuary, and decided to enter.
Basically the sanctuary is a clearing in some woods with a few Spidermonkeys in it somewhere near Dorset/Devon/Cornwall (I can't bloody remember, it was 10 years ago).

We decided to attach ourselves to a group of tourists and follow their guide around, he was an amiable chap and didn't mind us tagging along, even though we clearly hadn't paid for it.
Before the tour began, we were told not to make any form of eye contact with the monkeys, as this is taken as a sign of aggression. We were also told not to smile at the monkeys, as this too is a sign of aggression (incidentally, did you know that showing teeth as a sign of happiness is unique among humans? All other animals see it as the bearing of weapons). We were warned that if we saw a monkey making direct eye contact, showing it's teeth, attempting to make itself seem bigger by raising it's arms and standing upright, we were to look away.

So, the tour consisted of a two minute walk around the clearing, and an introduction to Alfred. Alfred, we were told was the most docile little Monkey in the sanctuary, apparently he was half-blind, extremely old, and half dead. We liked Alfred, he had a cute, fuzzy little face.
But Alfred DID NOT like us. Alfred was mean. He swung down from the canopy of trees above us, and fixed me with a mad, steely stare.
Remembering, but ignoring, the instructions we were given, I stared back. He showed me his yellow, rotten teeth, I showed him mine.
He raised himself up, stood upright, still staring his mad, scary grin at me, and raised his arms above his head.
I raised my arms and stood on my tippy-toes, there was no way I was backing down to Alfred, he was half-dead, what possible harm could he do?

He ran away, ran like the little simian coward that he was, and I laughed like a Hyena at my superior place in the ranking of the species of the world.

Til he came back later and threw shit in my Pimms.

Damn you Alfred..!

*shakes fist*

Monkey 1 - Human 0
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 10:00, 19 replies)

^^
"Threw shit in my Pimms"

Sneak that simian into Wimbledon!

Class war!!!
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 10:30, closed)

MONKEY TENNIS

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 10:32, closed)

^^
With Alan Partridge as umpire.
The sports casual look would go down well
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 10:34, closed)

Ace!
Deuce!

Faeces!

Monkey Tennis has it all.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 10:53, closed)

ppff
doesn't beat Gordon, my sick eating monkey in Gor Blimey trousers and a revolving bow tie
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 11:00, closed)

^^I demand
photographic proof.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 11:03, closed)

due to some issues
related to Crimewatch, Jill Dando and a vodka filled melon I cannot currently reveal the identity of Gordon, but provided enough money is supplied you can see one of his shows.
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 11:06, closed)

I think the place you're on about
is in Cornwall, just outside Looe.
Strangely enough, fact-fans, the place was initially owned and run by John William's parents. Who ? The ace classical guitarist and founder member of 70s group Sky, that's who.
( I_Was_Mordred, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 11:56, closed)

You're right!
My friend had his shoes stolen while we were in Looe!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 12:01, closed)

and is that all there is to that story, Bert?
How did you get your username..?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 12:46, closed)

I suspect the other part of that story goes a little like this
They embraced, an electric thrill shot through Berts body as his hands found the soft fur on Albertfred's back. Their fingers explored each others skin, their lips locked, tongues entwined.

Bert could feel Albertfred's excitement growing as he bent him over a nearby fallen tree before giving him a good seeing to up the wrong 'un.

Sorry about the sudden end, writing gay bestial porn started to disgust me too much.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 12:54, closed)

@atg
no dry humping using a banana?
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 12:56, closed)

Feel free
to take the start of this wonderful tale and embellish it to your hearts content with bananas, and even goats if you want to strike a popularist note!
(Bazongaloid, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 12:58, closed)

Albert?
You've got us on the brain my geordie friend.

The monkey was called Alfred.

@CHCB Making love to monkeys is what I do best, my username comes from all the simian copulation I've had, and is certainly not due to the fact that while watching the main board one day I saw someone type *monkeysexes* and thought to myself, 'I'll have that'. Because that would just be boring.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 13:02, closed)

^
*suspiciously* I thought you were a Robert?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 13:05, closed)

What was that Bert?
I wrote Alfred. See, it's up there, clear as your face. Your eye site must have been damaged from the rampant monkey abuse.

*sniggers, thinks he got away with that one*
(Bazongaloid, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 13:05, closed)

I am a Robert
Mrs CHCB, damned al ninja'd his post.

But alBert Kaol is a man of many wonders.

*fists al*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 13:07, closed)

*takes it like a man*

(Bazongaloid, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 13:15, closed)

k
+st
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 13:37, closed)