The scariest occurrence of failed anonymity was when I accidentally acquired a full-on internet stalker...
In the olden days the best place to find free porn was at bus stops or under benches in semi-deserted provincial train stations. But then along came the internet and...

I was perusing one of those specialist websites, looking at all the ropey old slappers who put up ‘sexy pics’ of themselves and ask you to send photos to them with your cock out, with a printed out photo of them in front of you, with your splodge covering said photo in your special homemade fixing solution.

Most of these ladies were, well, fuck-ugly old Pat Butcher wannabes. They looked like warthogs in drag. But then I stumbled across one who made me harder than a panther with a flick knife and a pathological hatred of everything in the Universe. She was named Mandy and she was from Romford.

Without thinking too much about it, I printed off the sexiest, sluttiest photo from Mandy’s spread, got out my camera and set about releasing a few battalions of wriggly warriors onto the photo of Mandy’s delectable little arse, taking a few snaps of my boner for posterity as I went. After I’d splurted over the super close up of Mandy’s shaven haven, I took a few snaps of my splodge. Took a snap of my bell end dangling in the splodge, then I uploaded the pics and sent them off to Mandy with a sexy little message telling her how much I enjoyed her arty, tasteful photo series, and how much they’d given me the raging horn.

Then I went to bed.

Unfortunately the next day I received an email from Mandy... I wasn’t expecting this. I thought – in my complete and utter ignorance of all things technical and internet-related, that my *ahem* homemade adult erotica would be totally anonymous. I’d made a point of cutting my head off all the photos. Mandy said on her webpage she wanted cock and cum, so that’s what I gave her. She didn’t want a person attached, just a cock – any cock.

But, being a technology retard, I sent her the email from my own personal hotmail account showing my entire personal email address which was, in fact, my full REAL name followed by @hotmail.com...

For the next few weeks I received shitloads of emails from Mandy from Romford. For the most part she was obsessed with the idea of her husband shooting a load up her arse, then using his spunk as lube for me to have a go. It was frightening. My first furtive outings in the world of the internet cyberwank and I’d acquired my own personal cum obsessed groupie. Then Mandy from Romford sent me some pics of her husband. I went from frightened to full on shitting-bricks-for-England uncontrollable panic. Mr Mandy from Romford was a builder, about twenty stone of pure tattooed muscle, and apparently he was quite keen on having a go on me too...

One line from one of the emails is forever burned into my memory. It’s when Brian (Mr Mandy from Romford’s name) stated: I’d really like to take your prick all the way up my arsehole, I’ve got a very firm, strong arsehole, I think you’d really enjoy it.

Then, in a moment of sheer boredom at work, I googled my name, as you do from time to time. And the resulting search found at the top of the page a link to my cock. My cock dangling in a puddle of cum blurted over a photo of Mandy from Romford. She’d only gone and put the pic on her site with my FULL FUCKING NAME underneath.

After my breathing had returned to normal and I’d stopped whimpering like a bitch, I set about emailing the site administrator and after a few painful days, hoping none of my family or friends decided to look me up on the web, I managed to get my cock taken off the internet. I closed my hotmail. I severed all ties with my creepy stalkers and managed not to have to have a stab at Brian’s cornhole with my dick while Mandy stood over us, furiously rubbing her beef curtain flaps.

OK, I accept I was a complete fucking idiot for sending compromising snaps of myself to a complete fucking stranger – but in my defence she was incredibly hot and incredibly naked...

The worst part is that I’m convinced, absolutely convinced, that my parents sat down at their shiny new Tiny computer (this is going back a while now) at the time and had a little play on the interweb. They’ve never really looked at me, their angelic son who’s a beacon for all that’s good and pure, in the same way since then. Always been a bit of a we know what you did, you dirty fucker air about our conversations ever since...

Anonymous??? I FUCKING WISH!!!
( SpankyHanky, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 16:33, 13 replies)

You dirty fecking cock-whore :)
*searches google for mandy spanky cock photos*

*prints off*

*posts to chat magazine*

Some people actually feel the need to tell people face to face about porn; spoke to a customer once who introduced himself after I asked for his name as "...before we start, yes, I've looked at porn" and then asked me about an email issue which had fuck all to do with it.

PS *instaclicked*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 16:42, closed)

Hahahahahhahaha!
Quality, thanks again!
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 16:44, closed)

Ahem...
And the site was?....
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 16:52, closed)

You get a click, purely for avoiding a terrible 'length' gag...
(Serotonicity was a naughty boy on..., Thu 14 Jan 2010, 17:06, closed)

Dear Spanky,
No hard feelings, we were just winding you up.

Sorry.

x
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 17:22, closed)

A winner
Already this'un wins. It made me lol dr. Pepper out my nose.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 17:55, closed)

I'm not going to read this.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 20:01, closed)

That's cos girls can't read.
Fact.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 20:13, closed)

because
he's gone blind from waxing the dolphin?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 0:44, closed)

their angelic son who’s a beacon for all that’s good and pure
So their internet meanderings haven't got this far then?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 0:42, closed)

Cheers for the morning laughs
You now owe me a coffee cuz its just gone all over my screen!
(Jelly God, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 9:24, closed)

brilliant
you've got to write a book.
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 6:24, closed)