You've got shit shoes on - you shitty shoe bastard
I attempted to dispose of my shitty shoes with some degree of anonymity, but how I failed.....

When I were a wee lad in them there eighties, us sterotypical short trouser wearing boys used to while away balmy, endless summer eves in the local recreation ground, kicking around a football (which eventually progressed to solvent abuse and attempts at deflowering the local beauties).

Anyway, I had recently had a new pair of gleaming white adidas trainers to replace my somewhat worn out Hi Tec Squash.

I didn't want to scuff these babies up (as I used them to dazzle the chicks at the local youthclub, they glowed like a mother fucker under the UV lights - we used to love those UV pens and drawing daisies and cocks on each other) playing football, so I took my trusty, but worn Hi Tecs.

Having dicked about like 11 year old boys do, the evening was wearing to a close, and we were twatting around on the fringe of the playing fields where they back on to gardens in the longer grass, next to the cricket shed where the ride on mower - amongst others - was housed. We all said our goodbyes until only 3 of us were left.

I somehow managed to sliding tackle right through one of the ripest, richest, steaming dog shits I have ever seen - I managed to streak it along the side of my trainers, and even some inside.

After my mates calling me "dirty lurgy shit feet" or some such derogatory put down, and me chasing them with a betrainered hand - the antics culminated in me chucking the trainers on the roof of the shed (the other trainer's sole was worn right through in a layered circle at the pad of the foot).

I made my friends vow not to tell anyone - and being slightly cooler, and slighty (and I mean slightly) more revered, they agreed.

That was fine, until the next day at school. The local smelly kid whom we shall call Tony (for that was his.. blah blah) turned up looking somewhat cooler than normal.

Was he sporting a new mod haircut - no..... Did he have a Nike wind cheater.....no. He was wearing a pair of Hi Tec Squash trainers that looked a touch too tight.

Queue my freshly sworn in, brothers of the secret shit shoe union, decking him and checking for the worn patch on the pad. They hit paydirt, and immediately started laughing and pointing - shouting "Tony scavved the squitty witty hi tecs from the Rec Roof", "Did you lick them clean shit breath" - etc etc.

I then also came in for (what I felt at the time) far worse ribbing, for not only had I been the original shit shoe monger, but also the local grit kid had my shoes, so clearly I must be gay, and bumming him. No way could I have thrown them away, I must lick his greasy bum crease and give him love gifts.

Looking back, the poor bastard just wanted to try and find further annonymity with all the "cool" kids that gave him shit by fitting in with the right footwear - he just succeeded in bringing the spotlight a few feet closer.

If you are out there Tony - I hope fortune has smiled on you and you have all the Hi Tecs your heart could desire.

3 year lurker with cherry popped - length left wanting.
(Growbag Pointless, Tue 19 Jan 2010, 15:02, 9 replies)

Cue fail
1) The word 'cue' should never be used.
2) The word 'queue' should never be used in its place.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Tue 19 Jan 2010, 15:12, closed)

You missed rule the third
3) The word 'que' should definitely never be used in either's place.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 19 Jan 2010, 15:14, closed)

Fawlty? What's wrong with him?

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Wed 20 Jan 2010, 0:27, closed)

What about if I am waiting at Argos for my Snooker implement?
(Growbag Pointless, Tue 19 Jan 2010, 15:15, closed)

Describing a snooker implement is fine.

(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Tue 19 Jan 2010, 15:18, closed)

Also
This tale, although amusing, seems to be missing an 'anonymous' angle.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Tue 19 Jan 2010, 15:17, closed)

oh and it's "shit shoes" in the heading
not "shit soes".

/joins the pedant bus
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 19 Jan 2010, 15:18, closed)

It's still funny
I'm going to give him a click
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Tue 19 Jan 2010, 15:30, closed)

I concur
I had a laugh reading that!

Well pulled on the cue/queue incident though. Well no need.
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Wed 20 Jan 2010, 14:34, closed)