Like brocky, I did do something once that could be construed as a bit twatful...
Back in the DSS (to quote Half Man, Half Biscuit - now there was a band)...

Before the days of having a tea club, everyone used to bring in their own supplies - tea, coffee, sugar - which were all kept in individual drawers. The milk, obviously, was kept in the communal fridge in the kitchen. Which was fine, but some of the more light-fingered, council estate-dwelling co-workers would help themselves. Often before you had even opened the fucking bottle yourself, and despite sticky labels plastered on said vessels with 'this milk belongs to Davros - fuck off' written in large, friendly letters.

After a few weeks of this I started to get a bit hacked off with going to make a brew only to find that the full pint bottle I had brought in that morning hadn't enough liquid left in it to successfully drown an ant. Drastic action was needed, and I had just the plan...

The kitchens were stocked with communal salt, pepper and other condiments, so that those going to the chippy at lunch time had something to sprinkle on their daily heart attacks. One morning I came in, armed with bottle of milk, ready labelled up, poured half of it immediately down the sink (I would buy some more at lunch time), tipped a good number of teaspoons of salt into the remaining liquid, and put a discreet mark on the bottle where the level was at. Then I placed the bottle in a prominent position in the fridge. Sure enough, when I went to the bottle an hour later, the level had gone down.

I never found out who the culprit was, but surprisingly, I never had any milk pilfered again. And the thought of someone, whoever it was, taking a swig of salty tea or coffee more than made up for the inconvenience of having to go out at lunchtime to get more milk.

On a similar note, one of my colleagues had brought a pie in for lunch one day. Come lunch time, he put the pie in the oven to heat up, went off for a shit, came back five minutes later having divested himself of his breakfast...

Only to find that some bastard had nicked his lunch.

Worra bunch of cunts!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 29 Jan 2008, 23:08, 14 replies)

Must be the DSS
I used to work for the DSS as well.

Some fucker took a bite out of my sandwich I'd placed lovingly in the fridge, then wrapped it back in it's cling-film, as if I wouldn't notice it had been violated.
(brocky, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 23:29, closed)

Aye, it was a twat of a place
I started on a casual contract for 50 weeks, in which time I figured I'd find something better...

11 fucking years I spent there. Alright, 8 and a half, the other 2.5 years were in the Jobcentre, but it's the same thing...

Still, my colleagues were mostly a good bunch and we had some laughs, which compensated.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 29 Jan 2008, 23:32, closed)

I just wanted to say
that I very much like Half Man, Half Biscuit. And that the DSS are indeed a bunch of ingrates.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 23:39, closed)

Yup
yup - i started as a casual, 8 years before i was released.

was the sort of place where people got themselves comfy as they knew they could never be sacked for being shite at their jobs.
(brocky, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 23:40, closed)

crackhouse...
You are not alone. Still going strong I believe...

As for the DSS - I subscribe to brocky's statement. Unfortunately it's a piss easy place to get a job in, it's less easy to get out. Unfortunately.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 29 Jan 2008, 23:58, closed)

milky milky
i would never nick milk from Davros
Not with his dalek army and all
have a click
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 1:05, closed)

...
I'd almost forgotten about Half Man Half Biscuit... must dig out my copy of Some Call it Godcore when I get home...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 9:18, closed)

Half Man Half Biscuit
Now there was a band indeed! "99% of Gargoyles look like Bob Todd", "Trumpton Riots", et al.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 30 Jan 2008, 10:23, closed)

the same on site
we had the same problem on site once, milk being tea leafed. this was solved with a half pint of urine in our case

all sitting in the canteen and then Scouse Dave spurts his brew everywhere and the thief was caught
Bubbles was also caught when there was a trail of crumbs leading to his seat when a hunk of ginger cake went missing

*click
(Joe Guevara is well known for stealing your biscuits, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 10:25, closed)

I'm a dole office survivor
And it's all true - they took on anybody who mae the mistake of saying "Huh! I could do your job".

HMHB bit: And Brian Moore's Head looks uncannily like London Planetarium.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 10:49, closed)

HMHB
Moorcock, Moorcock Michael Moorcock ,she fervently moaned….
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 30 Jan 2008, 11:16, closed)

HMHB
'Blood on the Quad'. If only.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 14:24, closed)

And again...
My uncle Charlie is a cynical man
And his wife’s a touch sceptical too
They’ve got one of those stickers in the back of their van
That says ‘we’ve seen the prices at the zoo’
Knocked on Charlie’s door one day and said that I was passing,
Charlie launched a scathing attack
When I asked him what I’d done he said ‘You stupid bastard,
We live in a cul-de-sac’.

Genius.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 30 Jan 2008, 15:14, closed)

and
"They came for Eamonn Holmes,
and I believe I'm right in saying,
I applauded"
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 15:31, closed)