Tastes like chicken
I can't clean the toilet, and I never have. I only have to think about doing it, about getting my face close to that horrible bowl, and I vom a little. Previous girlfriends have remarked upon this as a sign of my typical male attitude towards cleaning, but sadly, the truth is far more hideous.

~ Wavy lines back to 1987 ~

When I was 7 years old my Dad decided to uncover the sewage system that he'd installed himself in the garden when building our bungalow. The specific reason why escapes me, but there was some kind of blockage somewhere. Anyway, for a week or so part of the garden had an open channel full of shit and piss leading to the now uncovered septic tank, obviously also full of shit and piss.

My mates would occasionally come to mine for an A-Team episode re-enactment, and it was during one of these, as your hero Faceman outran the bad guys and performed an impressive army-roll, that I plunged head first into the septic tank.

Your first instinct when you fall into water, or as in this instance, shitty pissy turd jam, is to breathe in. Deeply. Which I did. I must have swallowed about 3 turds and was almost drowning in my own family's effluent when I was fished out by my Dad.

So the reason I can't clean the toilet is that I am vividly aware of what poo tastes like. I can assure you that it's not pleasant.
It doesn't really taste like chicken. It's slightly alkaline and has chunks in.
( rofl harris, Tue 31 May 2011, 10:28, 16 replies)

I felt ill just reading this.
I think we have to put your reluctance down to PTSD.

*click* (& *cringe*).
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Tue 31 May 2011, 10:48, closed)

*click* if you promise never ever ever to tell that story again.

(boke)
( AWPS, Tue 31 May 2011, 11:33, closed)

I second this sentiment...
(MrBiscuits, Tue 31 May 2011, 12:57, closed)

I turd it.
I mean third it.
(Chicken Little This signature has been left blank., Tue 31 May 2011, 14:43, closed)

Oh dear Christ.
Whatever remnants I still had of innocence are now gone.

Thanks.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 31 May 2011, 11:35, closed)

My worst nightmare ever
is drowning in poo.

That must have been horrific. How long did it take you to get clean?
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Tue 31 May 2011, 12:11, closed)

I remember being scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed in the bath by my parents
who couldn't stop heaving
( rofl harris, Tue 31 May 2011, 13:31, closed)

I just did a dry heave
Reading that last sentence
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Tue 31 May 2011, 12:27, closed)

Winner of QOTW for me.
I love poo stories.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 31 May 2011, 12:34, closed)

Could you tell your sisters and mums poos apart? I can.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Tue 31 May 2011, 12:44, closed)

Well, that's easy
when one is on your chest and the other is on your face.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 31 May 2011, 13:21, closed)

*click*
Easily the most horrific thing ever seen on b3ta
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Tue 31 May 2011, 16:20, closed)

You've got weird instincts.
Most humans, and I think mammals, exhibit the dive reflex, close off their lungs and maybe even close their mouths.
It has certainly saved my life on a couple of occasions.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 31 May 2011, 18:18, closed)

well, that's my tea in the bin

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 31 May 2011, 19:08, closed)

Did any of your mum's stools have traces of your dad's sperm in them?
Gives it a salty edge and slightly slimier around the chunky bits.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 31 May 2011, 20:37, closed)

I don't think so
But next time it happens I'll look out for those
( rofl harris, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 9:53, closed)