I once deleted a thread,
and assumed that everyone would forget.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 12:39, 8 replies)

my dad owned a fishing trawler. one day he sat me down and said "I don't know how to tell you this, so I'll just come out an say it: You're half-Klingon"
I said, "That is not logical, Captain. Klingon is a fictional race from a TV show"
He then asked me the name of disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong's charity and the drug that gays have to enhance anal sex.
"LiveStrong and poppers", I said
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 0:21, 3 replies)

anal sex...
a few years ago I used to work with another vet whose pedantry and quibbling were way beyond anything I could muster. One of the most bizarre of his twattering annoyances was brought home to me when an elderly client complained to me that "That other vet said some very rude things in front of me and I was very shocked". "tell me more" I say.

It transpired that she thought he had been talking about "anal sex". Aha! thinks I. got it!

well... you're all familiar with "anal glands" in dogs aren't you?
If you're not then let me tell you about those lovely little bits of joy that sit close to the anal sphincter and secrete a pungent material over the turd as it leaves the dog's arse. Its a mechanical process and if the turd aint firm enough then the material can build up and require manual expression. This happens cost they get a bit full and cause irritation and then the dog wipes its arse on the floor and other such things. I hate expressing the glands and have devoted vast amounts of time to educating owners in how to empty the glands themselves and how to prevent the problem in the first place.

Strictly speaking they are not "anal glands" but are actually "anal sacs lined with glandular epithelium". Hence if you continually call them anal sacs, eventually some old person may mishear you and think you are talking about "anal sex". I just call them anal glands because it really doesnt matter if you call them glands or sacs as long as the client understands what you are talking about.

Cat owners: you are not immune - unlike dogs, cats can "fire" their glands at will... musculature at the base of the penis makes this possible.

length - about half your index finger in the hole and I'll do a youtube clip if you like.... (finger in method is way better than the finger out method...)
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 23:01, 5 replies)

I was idly having a wank whilst listening to music through my Dr Dre headphones which my mum took as a signal to make a cup of tea
Women, eh?
(McChinaman banned, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 15:54, 6 replies)

Gravity
Usual morning routine, I was getting dressed in the bathroom while my wife was having a shower. Suddenly I felt splashes of water coming over the shower cubicle walls.

Me: "Could you stop splashing me please?"

Her: "I'm not doing anything different to normal"

OK, right. Earth's gravity must have shifted slightly and let the water escape. I'll get onto the GRACE team to check it out…
(WrittenBittern, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 12:47, 18 replies)

Never will understand this one.
"Labour are doing a shite job of running the country. The Tories are the other big party, so they must be able to do a better job. Let's vote them in instead."

Please send your answers to Spot the Logic Competition, PO Box 142, Basingstoke.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 12:01, 34 replies)

My father was timid, torpid, and fond of radical politics
Plus, he worked in the government.

One day, he was attending a radical meeting, and the secretary got sick. He was pressed to take minutes. Convinced that this ill-advised activism meant he must now be on the government's watch list, he warned all us kids to report any mysterious vehicles, strange people, hang-up calls, and anything else that might signify surveillance.

Early one day, and for the first time, my mom decided to make Sun Tea. She placed an enormous jug of water and tea bags on the front porch in order to bake in the sun, and headed off to work. My father saw the jug and concluded it must be an enormous Molotov Cocktail.

What would you do if you saw an enormous Molotov Cocktail sitting just outside your front door? Call the fire department, maybe? Alert your family and neighbors? Being both timid and torpid, my dad simply avoided the front porch, used only the back door that day, and anxiously hoped for the best.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 1:33, 13 replies)

Not sure if Billy BobNeck is being entirely serious here..
www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&list=PL96A1530A52BD1105&v=yBkbj_S3etY
(Haywood Manley, Tue 17 Dec 2013, 12:02, 3 replies)

Cybermen
There was this cyberman, and he said "Excellent"
FFS
(An Alien sneezed on Bill Oddies binoculars, Mon 16 Dec 2013, 23:01, 2 replies)

Christianity
God creates everything, including us. For some reason he sends down His only begotten son to live with us. We listen to what the only begotten son has to say, then torture him to death. For some reason, this means that we are saved from sin.

I have asked a few Christian friends whether God would have preferred us not to crucify Jesus, but haven't had a straight reply yet.
(ubergeekian, Mon 16 Dec 2013, 17:38, 31 replies)

Festival story.
A woman approaches me while my colleagues and I are in the process of clearing a closed section of the site.

"I need to charge my phone." says she.
"You can charge your phone at one of the charging points provided by the festival, or pay to use one of the booths." say I, in reply.
"No, you don't understand." She replies. "I need to charge my phone!"
"As explained, you can either pay to use one of the charging booths, or there are free charging stations across the site, the nearest is over there." I gesture into the distance to show the lady precisely the location I'm referring to.
"No!" She says again. "I'm trying to tell you, I've taken an overdose!"

Oh for fucks sake.. think I.

It transpired that she was an attention seeking mentalist.
( Muns, Mon 16 Dec 2013, 15:57, 4 replies)

I like judging other people and passing comment on what I perceive to be their faults and failings.
For some reason, this makes me feel better about myself; and distracts me from my own shortcomings.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 16 Dec 2013, 15:48, 5 replies)