This happened a few years ago, when I guess Pete Doherty was in the public eye a bit more often than he is these days.
I was walking down Mile End Road near where I lived at the time, wearing a black hat and a blazer-type jacket. Now there is a certain sort of fuckhead who seems to think that Pete Doherty somehow invented wearing hats, so that any male wearing a hat consequently looks like, and perhaps even has deliberately chosen to emulate, the smack-addled former Libertine.

Anyway, this guy walking past me yells something which I think was intended to be "Oi mate, you look like Peter Doherty!" But what he actually said was "Oi mate, you look like Pete Burns!"

Oh dear, I've accidentally left the house looking exactly like Pete Burns! How on earth did that happen?!?
( Mr. Tea dole-nonce-amuser extraordinaire, Mon 16 Dec 2013, 15:27, 7 replies)

Can't cook, won't cook
"You know, you can just cook food on a lower heat setting. You don't have to have it on full whack" I says to the wife as tonights pasta dish crunches between my teeth.

I wish I had kept my mouth shut but part of me longed to be served food that didn't have black burnt bits scrapped off the pan and mixed in.

Saying that, she got the message. The next day we had soup.
It was cold


Sheds
(plant rolls out of bed like a fat wobbly tub of lard, Mon 16 Dec 2013, 12:42, 8 replies)

What's the difference between a chicken?
One it's legs is both the same!

LOL!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 16 Dec 2013, 12:10, 2 replies)

This is another dig at me, isn't it?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 16 Dec 2013, 11:28, 10 replies)

1. If the Bible were not true, logic would not be meaningful. 2. Logic is meaningful. 3. Therefore, the Bible is true.
Fundamentalist evangelical American Christians - no concept of even the faintest shred of reality, epitomised by their website - .
AiG.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Mon 16 Dec 2013, 10:18, 18 replies)

Christmas Cracker Jokes
Me: What do you call a penguin in the desert?

Nicole: Stupid?

Me: No.. ok I'll give you a clue - if you go the wrong way you are...?

Nicole: Napoleon?

Me: Explain...

Nicole: Well he went the wrong way and got fucked by the Russians

Couldn't fault the logic
(khatula, Mon 16 Dec 2013, 3:46, 20 replies)

how many window cleaners does it take to pluck a chicken?
None, blancmange doesn't have bones.
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sun 15 Dec 2013, 19:31, 4 replies)

This wins everything and is way better than everything on here:
www.milmillington.com/
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 15 Dec 2013, 16:51, 17 replies)

Leaving Early
I've been known to be employed and this tale takes place in one such place of employment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I called up in the morning to say I had been throwing up early in the morning but, as I was feeling better I would only be about 30 minutes late.

When I walk through the door co-worker #1 tells me co-worker #2 (who isn't scheduled to work that day) would be coming in at 4pm to process some stock and I could leave early if I wanted to. I said I'll considering it but, that I really was feeling better.

Through out the day I spotted co-worker #2 had been coming in and disappearing on their day off anyway. Weird, I thought but, whatever do what you want with your day off.

4pm arrives and co-worker #2 comes in and starts processing this stock and I'm asked again if I want to leave and again I politely decline, go back to work. 50 minutes later co-worker #2 storms up to me shouting that the only reason they were here was so that "you could go early and that I didn't like wasting a day off like this!" (despite repeatedly coming in anyways) and generally acting as though I had turned down a gift from God/Jupiter/Osiris/Eddie Murphy.

Dumb-founded I stared at them blankly and said plainly "Go home then?"

Apparently this plan was devised between Co-workers #1 and #2 with the slight error of not telling me about it and expecting me to be psychic.

Sorry if this story is a bit crap.
(Halfaxa, Sun 15 Dec 2013, 13:20, 1 reply)

As I mentioned before, my mum is a very paranoid schizophrenic
which means her whole life is a mass of bizarre leaps of logic. Wake up with a slightly runny nose? That'll be the neighbours pumping poison through the walls.

Anyway.

She started to become convinced that my daughter had been physically abused by her child minder.

Her logic went like this.

One afternoon while on a visit to my mum I mildly rebuked my young daughter over something minor and my daughter replied "If I do it again you'll put me in the dustbin".

Bizarre leap of logic 1
This wasn't one of those odd things that kids say, but the result of her being disciplined by being put in a bin.


BLOL 2
It must have been the child minder


BLOL 3
And the parents must have known about I, because the little girl is talking about it.


BLOL4
The parents must have been in on it, and continue the abuse to this day.


So when a couple of weeks later I bump into my mum she starts screaming "GET THIS MAN AWAY FROM ME....HE'S AN ABUSER....I'M CALLING THE POLICE..." etc etc. on a Saturday afternoon, in my local Waitrose.

lols

.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sun 15 Dec 2013, 12:20, 32 replies)

paedophile camera
Was stood on a street corner in Nottingham with a sound level meter on a tripod doing a noise survey. An interested passer by shouted from across the road "what's that mate? A paedophile camera?"
(BoyHoover, Sun 15 Dec 2013, 9:37, 5 replies)

i broke my synthetic proposition in your mum lol

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 16:17, Reply)

Splash splash
Having walked in on two young members of my local swimming club having a very intimate encounter in a changing villages shower cubicle, I had a quiet word with the coach to suggest that it might be better if they were a little more discreet.

He looked at me in a bemused way and said "They can't have been doing anything. They're under age."
(ubergeekian, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 16:04, 4 replies)

Lost my school dinner money..
..so I asked a friend if I could borrow a quid. He refused on the grounds that since he wasn't hungry I couldn't be hungry either.
(Haywood Manley, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 15:47, 5 replies)

"it was nice of my sister to visit, wasn't it?"
"yes, we haven't seen her for ages"
"IF YOU LIKE HER THAT MUCH, WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING MARRY HER INSTEAD!?"
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 15:42, 2 replies)

When my son was born, we hadn't settled on a name.
Both of our mothers went full bore with the name of a dead relative in mind. My mom's was the best. "Name him Howard, your father shouldn't have lived in vain."
(NJtoTX, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 15:14, Reply)

Chinese food
My cat was bothering me while I was eating takeout Chinese food.

I told him, "You can't have this -- you're not Chinese."

Dumb human.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 15:13, 3 replies)

I was walking the dog in the woods,
we passed a bunch of kids playing and then a couple of hundred yards up the hill, two blokes on bicycles came tearing down at full pelt.

"Slow down!" I yelled, "there's kids playing just round the next corner!"
One of the cyclists shouted at me over his shoulder: "How do you know? You a paedophile or something?"

And with a final "Fucking NONCE!" he was gone.

Are paedophiles supposed to be telepathic/X-ray sighted now? I don't read the Sun so wouldn't know.
( fred zeppelin II: Electric Boogaloo, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 13:35, 7 replies)

on here a few years back
www.b3ta.com/questions/diy/post137763
which was also followed with this

@ ?
no idea what your problem is still.
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 17:06)

@ re: ?
that you are talking tacky about women in such a generalized way: ie women who complain about men not doing anything. Not all women are like that. At least not around here. Maybe that is just how it is in the American South.
(I helped save b3ta! flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 8 Apr 2008, 19:17, ignore, delete, archive, reply)
in reply to:

I gave up responding after that still no idea what the problem was and everyone else seemed to understand my point
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 12:49, 7 replies)

???????
in West philadelphia born and raised
on the playground is where i spent most of my days
chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
and all shootin' some b-ball outside of the school
when a couple of guys who were up to no good
started makin' trouble in my neighborhood
i got in one little fight and my mom got scared
and said you're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
(m0ngychops, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 10:34, 2 replies)

Apparently the phrase "I haven't spoken to your girlfriend" meant "please punch me in the face and run away".

(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 10:19, 2 replies)

Had a bizarre conversation with a few technicians at my internship. I guess being computer nerds, this is bound to happen...

I'm listening to a conversation about bacon whilst I'm trying to concentrate on preparing computers to be deployed the next day. So eventually my curiosity gets the better of me and ask why one of the techs had annoyed one of the cafeteria works. So I learned that for religious reasons, he doesn't eat bacon. Cue the ADHD affected Tech who is supposed to supervise me, who says that he has a problem with anyone who doesn't like bacon. So I dead pan that its just as well that I like bacon.

Of course this starts the bizarre conversation that apparently, in spite of the fact that I eat bacon among many things, I must be a vegan. Cue a colorful conversation where I point out that not only do I eat meat on daily basis, I am comfortable to wear clothes that are made from those same animals.

Nope still a fucking vegan...
(roguedevil, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 5:25, 6 replies)

18 hours, lest we forget.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 0:44, 2 replies)

Stop pissing in the sink.
This was the reply to my mild criticism for my wife to put her used Q-tips into the trashcan instead of simply tossing them in the general vicinity of said bin and preventing them from sticking to my feet when I finish my morning shower. I do not piss in the bathroom sink, but the laundry room sink, which is used solely for dirty clothes washer water, floor cleaning bucket filling, and bathroom cleaning fluid exchange. Nevertheless, saying I find used Q-tips sticking to my feet disgusting means I should stop pissing in that sink. I was also later declared, among other things, someone who dressed like the homeless.
( I smash things in my sleep uruk-hai ...and I'll look low. Now where'd they go?, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 0:27, 11 replies)

I once went to a modern Chinese opera
And sat in the first row, listening to two exotic-looking women singing a beautiful tune. Suddenly, I smelled smoke. I looked around and realized there was no realistic escape. Thousands of people were in the hall, and I was going to die, either by trampling, smoke, fire, or a ghastly combination of all three.

I realized that there might be another escape, however. I could jump onto the near-empty stage and run past the singers to the back of the theatre. There would surely be an exit there. So, I steeled myself to leap onstage and run away, despite the beautiful aria.

Then the character of the smoke changed: from flaming matchstick to scented incense. It was all part of the show! There was no death-dealing fire. No doom; just art.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 14 Dec 2013, 0:12, 6 replies)

If I were S0ckpu66et
I would probably say. I once played the wonderful game of Mastermind. Not the easy version but the one with multiple colours and different marking, I say different but the black and white were perhaps more complex and then my mother died.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 23:49, 5 replies)

It's YOUR FAULT
Wife and I were watching a TV documentary about polar bears. The narrator explained that the poor polar bear had to swim 500 miles to find something to eat, due to the ice having melted, thanks to global warming.

Wife then bursts into tears. "It's YOUR FAULT!"

"Eh?"

"You drive to work. You could easily walk."

My round trip of three miles a day apparently caused global warming.
(Bob the Builder killed Captain Alex, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 22:39, 12 replies)

I went through a divorce, recently, and, while we were separated and waiting for the divorce, my ex turned up at my door. I had a friend round, who happened to be a lesbian. I was considering being flatmates with her. My ex started yelling "The kids will NOT stay with you if that happens, I don't want them in that kind of environment", she said. Then, she said "You know, lesbians are only friends with you because they have body clocks too, you know. They want you to get them pregnant".

I stood still for a few moments, just trying to process this information. I still can't work it out, to be honest.
(V3lvetPresley, Fri 13 Dec 2013, 21:57, 5 replies)