My cousin used to be the blackest of black sheep
He just loved the alcohol. Couldn't get enough. Drove drunk, and spent time in prison.

Then he decided to sweep out his attic.

It was a warm day, and he was wearing shorts as he drunkenly swept the dust. He lost his footing and fell down the steps. He landed on his feet, but as he fell, the broomstick snaked up his shorts. He was violently rammed through his anus by the broomstick, up to his diaphragm. There was an eight-hour delay getting medical attention, because of the absence of a visible wound. Colostomy, therapy, months of suffering.

So, he set aside the drink, went back to school, got a degree, landed a babe for a wife, and found inner peace.

The end.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 22 Feb 2014, 11:12, 19 replies)

Couldn't he just have got a job as a scarecrow?
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 22 Feb 2014, 11:53, closed)

and this is why replies should be able to win.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 22 Feb 2014, 15:02, closed)

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 22 Feb 2014, 20:42, closed)

Did you hear about the scarecrow that got a promotion?
He was outstanding in his field.
(Eukanuba, Sun 23 Feb 2014, 17:54, closed)

ROTD

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 24 Feb 2014, 14:20, closed)

This wins next week, "What's the biggest thing the black sheep of the family ever put up his arse?"

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 22 Feb 2014, 16:54, closed)

I sort of like this because it does technically conform to my earlier decree, however it really does sound like utter horseshit.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 22 Feb 2014, 20:37, closed)

I would imagine that "spontaneously decided to sweep the loft, then fell down the stairs onto a broom" is substantially lower down the list of possible contributory factors than "was drunk and experimental".
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 22 Feb 2014, 21:33, closed)

"Honestly doc, I just fell on it and it happened to go directly up my rectum which just happened to be suitably lubricated at that exact moment."

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 22 Feb 2014, 22:10, closed)

My mate womble fell out of a loft onto the top of a stepladder and ripped one of his bollocks off.
I reckon he'd have preferred the unlikely lubed violation option.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 23 Feb 2014, 0:53, closed)

Why's he called womble?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 23 Feb 2014, 10:51, closed)

He's only got one ball.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 23 Feb 2014, 11:11, closed)

You didn't go for 'Hitler', then?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 23 Feb 2014, 14:47, closed)

no

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 24 Feb 2014, 8:14, closed)

Vileda Tepes.

( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 22 Feb 2014, 21:34, closed)

Ooooof!
That's either excellent or appalling, and as yet I'm undecided.
( Ghoti Fingers, Sat 22 Feb 2014, 21:46, closed)

*doffs hat*

( .Yeti., Sun 23 Feb 2014, 0:45, closed)

Wait..... he still got bummed off a broom handle though, right?
What a Damascene Conversion!
( Hitler's Barber Soylent Green is high in saturated fat, Mon 24 Feb 2014, 6:47, closed)

'Slipped and fell on a broom', yeah, right.
He was using it to bum himself and you know it.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 24 Feb 2014, 19:43, closed)