Funeral bodge
This has been mentioned before by another b3tan who was also a witness, so I'll be brutally brief.

During the funeral of a family member, the coffin leaked gunge.
The gunge, presumably mainly composed of decomposing tissue fluids, was like watery gravy, and stank.

The gunge left a trail from the hearse along the pavement, up the church path and inside the church itself, and the bearers were smeared with it, some on their faces.

The vicar was seen comically gagging and clawing at the hearse window as the driver wound it up when they it pulled away from the church towards the crematorium. The gunge left another trail from the hearse to the catafalque and dribbled from the coffin during the committal while everyone was watching it.

The deceased had been dead for several days before being found, in early July, so should really have been contained in something more substantial than the usual plastic sheet inside the coffin.

When a couple of relations went to complain to the undertaker they were more or less told 'Well, we thought it'd be OK! Shit happens! Bad luck!' and offered no apology.

This funeral has become legendary among local undertakers, who refer to it in hushed tones as 'The Farce'.

To be honest, the dead bloke himself would have laughed his tits off, especially when the undertakers took the bearers round the back of the church to wash off the mess!
The family though were, and remain, Not Amused.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 13:30, 9 replies)

Horrific :O
But click worthy.

Apparently the smell is like gone off chicken. :\
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 13:39, closed)

this is really, really grim
but funny.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 14:30, closed)

Did you taste it?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 14:39, closed)

*bokes*

(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 15:04, closed)

One of the bearers was a b3tan and it's possible that he did.
It's on the 'Funerals' QOTW.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 17:01, closed)

This is horrific...
... but this is absolute gold:

The vicar was seen comically gagging and clawing at the hearse window.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 15:55, closed)

Undignified ends . . .
I will slip in one not of my own, but at least third hand via the ex-naval commander who taught me to sail quite a few years ago.

The story goes that Cunard have always run quite a few cruises that were geared toward the more mature client. That is to say, they did old fart specials. One of the obvious results was that from time to time they would have someone kick the bucket during the voyage. In the 60's and 70's, it was not unusual to arrange for a prompt burial at sea, providing certain criteria were met.

Anyway, the drill was that they'd stop the vessel, have a solemn and touching ceremony on deck, commit the recently departed to the depths, and go on on their merry way. Apparently one day there came an order from the bean counters at HQ, informing them that stopping the vessel was uneconomical and that henceforth the burials should be done at full speed.

Next time one of the passengers carked it mid atlantic, funeral was duly arranged, moving words were spoken, and the shrouded body was sent over the side. Only problem was that at 28 knots, the body acted much in the manner of a stone thrown across the surface of a pond. It bounced end over end behind the boat for about 30 yards, before finally smashing through the surface of the water with a large splash.

Words were spoken, the order to stop the vessel once again reinstated.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 16:42, closed)

Fabulous!
There is something fundamentally satisfying about a badly-executed funeral. We have no control over death and can't even cope with tidying it up, half the time.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 17:08, closed)

I agree
I want to be buried in a cardboard coffin but only on a rainy day so hopefully one of my arms or legs will fall out....
( camp freddy well, would you look at that!, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 17:39, closed)

hahahaha
love it
( Snollock Biffer I don't really sniff Bollocks, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 17:34, closed)

This would have improved the opening of You Only Live Twice,
immeasurably.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 16 Mar 2011, 9:51, closed)