Wizards of QOTW, only you can save me now
I'm writing a best man's speech for a rather conservative crowd but after a game of Cards Against Humanity on the stag weekend I've been wagered that I can't get the phrase "chunks of dead prostitute" into the speech without upsetting the maiden Aunts.

Of course I could just stand up, yell the offending phrase and make a run for it while they're busy administering the smelling salts but I quite fancy serving it up as a punchline in classic qotw style.

Can anyone improve on "chunks of dyed Prost's red suit"? That's going to need a hell of an F1 related buildup.
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 11:49, 42 replies)

thats gonna take some doing that
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 12:05, closed)

Shy of a challenge, sir?

( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 12:44, closed)

Sometimes
it's better to lose a drunken bet.

This is one of those times. You're going to upset more than a few maiden aunts with that one.
(username failed moderation, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 12:10, closed)

The art is in not upsetting anyone
while also winning the bet
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 12:44, closed)

I understand that, but
in this case you're not really likely to achieve that.

I think this is all pretty obvious, I don't imagine for a minute you're not understanding what I'm saying.

I'm all in favour of larking about, but I'd just be slightly worried that you're risking ruining his soon to be wifes big day, etc.

Maybe if she was in on it, it'd be OK.
(username failed moderation, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 14:02, closed)

Totally agree
The best man at my sister's wedding told an exceptionally pathetic dirty joke because someone had put him up to it. Sis was clearly mortified (due in part to the offense taken by grandparents etc.), some of the catering staff offered to take the best man out the back and smack him around. 15 years later he's only ever mentioned in the same sentence as "fuckwit/idiot/tosser" (and that's by the offended grandparents) when someone asks what ever happened to him.

In short - don't fuck with someone else's big day for the sake of a pathetic bet.
( SteamedCleaner, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 14:25, closed)

^^Rare display of common sense on B3ta^^...

You should be ashamed of yourself.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Tue 29 Apr 2014, 8:44, closed)

"... Chunks of dead prose. To tutor such a subject must be hard work...."

(Pie of Meat ___°¬¯O¯____\o/_____/\_,____Y¯¯Y, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 12:12, closed)

I like where you're going with this.
Many best man speeches have a little bit about the best man himself and his friendship with the groom, plus a little bit about the difficulties of actually writing the speech.

"...chunks of dead prose. To toot my own horn for just a moment, the groom and I..."
(Joy Division Oven Gloves Death to false metal, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 12:24, closed)

We're getting close there!
I wasn't going to mention his contribution to a school magazine but it could be ideal for shoehorning that in..
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 12:46, closed)

nice

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 12:55, closed)

Tough one, that. Good luck.

"Though I'm suppoosed to speak of the groom, I don't want to meander through disjointed memories of our shared past for too long - it's a Best Man's speech, not À la recherche du temps perdu. Not that I've read it all. Chunks, I did - Proust, astute though he might be - was a boring French cunt."


"In honor of this special occasion, we will be serving chunks of dyed rosti chewed to a paste."


I've really no idea.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 12:15, closed)

Ha ha
Challenge: sweary phrase
Solution: change sweary phrase subtly
B3ta: ...and then swear even worse just for fun
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 12:46, closed)

can you not just tell the groom he's clearly too much of a dick to get married and all his friends are wankers?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 12:17, closed)

Traditional romantic eh?

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 12:46, closed)

the best thing to do with the best man at most weddings is to kick him to death while you're waiting for the bride to be fashionably late to the church

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 13:18, closed)

^upset because nobody would be best man at his wedding

(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 13:34, closed)

I couldn't find a single adult male who hadn't fucked my wife-to-be.
Sad times.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 15:02, closed)

It's a bit naff, but you could blame someone else?
Halfway through the speech you could give your speech a double-take and say:

'Who's been tampering with my notes? I had written some reminders about [Insert Groom's name] student days, and had written 'Tuna chunks, debt, destitute'. However some unfunny joker has changed it to 'chunks of dead prostitute!' I can't remember him living on that whilst at uni!

Trouble is, I tend to read these as I go, so I apologise if I say anything else completey random in the rest of the speech'
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 12:22, closed)

"As a well-known educational analyst, he often junks OFSTED. Props, astute commentator."

( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 12:27, closed)

Holy shit, that's beautiful!

( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 12:40, closed)

Alright piston broke

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 13:41, closed)

Awooga. What a rush

(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 13:44, closed)

Erm.
“With strange tastes, he had a penchant for Chaunks. Often pross, statutes proclaim that he was in fact a terrible chef”

(leading into standard shit best man joke about him burning everything he cooked)
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 13:45, closed)

Trying to pun it into the speech will just make you look like a dick who wants to upset the Nana's and Aunties
You need to tell a story were the bride was slightly unreasonably upset with the groom but, everything worked out in the end. When explaining the slightly unreasonable upset causation, say, now it's not like there was chunks of dead prostitute lying about the place, our hero the groom had forgotten that it was their 9 week anniversary or some such thing.

You can borrow my opening joke if you want -

It's wonderful to be here today and most certainly much better than some places in Africa where a father of the brides blessing requires the groom to present large amounts of cow dung as a tribute to her tribe - then you mumble clearly, "sounds like a bullshit deal to me".
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 13:55, closed)

You're right, but only if I make a scene out of it
I quite like the idea of a subtle enough pun that nobody notices except the stags, who then laugh seemingly at nothing. Isn't that the point of a pun? That it has two meanings?

Additionally, I strongly suspect that we're talking about an audience that's not going to want to hear the word 'prostitute' at a wedding in any circumstances.
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 14:06, closed)

I hate that sort. Fucking adult human beings and their sense of reasonable behaviour.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 15:03, closed)

FGOS
If you can hide it in a torturous pun, it's a decent compromise.

Only risk is that the stags won't catch it until you explain it to them afterwards.
(username failed moderation, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 15:23, closed)

How about just drunkenly blurting it out?
Doesn't the bride look lovely? Not like the bridesmaids, who look like reformed chunks of dead prostitute.
( Muns, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 15:22, closed)

/thread
That's spot on.
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 15:45, closed)

Say something far worse two sentences earlier. They'll be too busy being offended at that to notice the reference to dead whores.
(cs1ca, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 15:41, closed)

I've done it five fucking times.
First time when I was 20 (I'm 32). I'd like to think I've explored the whole gamut of material by now. I can't even be arsed trying any more. I've got this one more to go, and it's finally sunk in that no-one cares how funny you are. No-one cares about you at all. They just want it to be over with as little fuss as possible. You're an unnecessary distraction on someone else's day. How long you stand there bleating on about a load of wank that happened when you were drunk is in direct proportion to what a self-regarding bell-end you are. I'm too old for this shit. All the best for the future.


^^ This is my next best man's speech.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 15:54, closed)

^common sense on qftw^
what is the world coming to?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 15:56, closed)

Awww, stop projecting you drunken bore!
Although I quite like the irony of posting on QOTW to complain about not getting validation from your audience...
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 17:21, closed)

they're not 'your audience', you desperately dense prat
they're there for the wedding, not for some witless ruggerbugger bore telling shit 'jokes' and hilariously inappropriate anecdotes lies. You're a dreary sideshow at best. You're less interesting than the hors d'œuvres. Nobody caresn what comes out of your blubbery lips. If you fancy yourself as a wit then sign up for an open mic night or become an after dinner speaker.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 17:46, closed)

I wasn't projecting so much as outright confessing.

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 18:01, closed)

Chin up, you wouldn't keep getting asked if you were that bad!
You're absolutely right of course. However, given that refusing to do it makes you an even bigger cunt, why not have a bit of fun with it? At least you're sure of amusing yourself...

(Yes, I'm going to have a wank during my speech.)
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 18:12, closed)

I'd fucking love this read out at mine.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 17:28, closed)

Can this be made public domain?
Or perhaps even mandatory, with stiff penalties for deviating from it?
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 17:39, closed)

The best man's speech at my wedding was along the lines of
"I've promised to keep this brief, so I will: the bride and groom."
Dreadfully amusing, but there was a rather awkward silence whilst everyone waited for him to get up and carry on with his speech.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 28 Apr 2014, 23:52, closed)

^correct best manning^

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 29 Apr 2014, 9:28, closed)

Cards against humanity is a fantastic game
But only when there are quite a few people playing it and you've all had a few
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 1 May 2014, 12:26, closed)