Do I tell her mum?
Regarding an email I got yesterday, how apt this is for this weeks QOTW
Last year an old friend got in touch and asked if I would give some info/tuition to her 15 yr old daughter who was in the army cadets.
She was going off to do a survival exercise and knowing I had experience of this wanted me to pass on any tips and info that may help her pass the course.
This I did happily, glad to help. Was all done via email.
Afterwards I got an email saying she had passed and thanked me.
Ok end of story it seemed.
Yesterday her mum emailed some pictures, apologised for delay, and friends daughter had one beautiful shiner.
I replied and commented on the black eye.
Friend replied to say her daughter had been smacked by a loose branch during the course.
I did a reply making some commiseration (sp?)

Then later the daughter emailed me to tell me what really happened, begged me not to say anything to her mum.
She has been bullied mercilessly by an older female cadet, up until the course the bullying had only been verbal.
But on the course where she had shown initiative and excelled in building shelter and fire making, the other girl became physically violent, had actually taken a lump of wood and hit her across the face with it while calling her a swotty cow.
The instructors found her crying and bleeding and she told them it was an accident while building her shelter.
The instructors dont know, her mum doesnt know, but I do.
Now she has told me this in confidence, begging me not to tell.
WTF do I do ?
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Mon 18 May 2009, 0:19, 24 replies)

Try get the daughter to confess to her mum.
Or organise a threesome.
(King Baby Duck more than a ceiling, Mon 18 May 2009, 0:26, closed)

Only on B3ta
are you reduced to those two options...
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Mon 18 May 2009, 10:50, closed)

I can only see one sensible option there...
can I join in?
(Super Oaf Petit filous?, Mon 18 May 2009, 14:06, closed)

Simple
If it was your daughter, what would you want to happen ?

This must come out...if the other girl is deranged enough to do something like this, what might she do next ?

Would you want that on your conscience ?

It's not as if you and your friend's daughter have a long-standing history - so even if the daughter never speaks to you again, what have you lost ?

She's told you because she wants the truth to come out.

Hope this situation isn't too stressful for you - but being a grown-up sometimes means doing difficult things. All the best
( I_Was_Mordred, Mon 18 May 2009, 0:30, closed)

I tend to agree
She has no previous relationship with you so you have to question why she told you. I would have a great deal of trouble talking directly to my mother or other authority figure about something like that, but if I told someone else it would be because on some level I'm hoping they'll do something about it.
What exactly to do is difficult, but maybe you should try talking to her more about it and she might have some ideas (because we all know that she doesn't want to tell her mum or the instructors for fear of making it worse).
(xanthine, Tue 19 May 2009, 2:59, closed)

Army cadets you say?
Tell her to find out where this other girl lives and conduct a thorough reconnaissance. Then she can infiltrate under cover of darkness, cut the fucker's throat and leave an ace of spades in her mouth, in keeping with the finest traditions of the armed forces.
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Mon 18 May 2009, 1:14, closed)

Get her to tell her mum
For god's sake don't tell her mum behind her back (because that will crush any courage she has left to tell anyone), but she needs to know that unless something changes then the situation will not change (except that the violence may get worse). And then read through the posts here to see that the only way of her mum dealing with this is to go in and refuse to leave until the appropriate punishment has been promised.

If you can go with the mother to said meeting, then do, otherwise she may leave being given the lines that "it won't happen again".

Good luck.
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Mon 18 May 2009, 8:17, closed)

take the money!

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 18 May 2009, 9:41, closed)

Open the box!
...or try and convince the girl to tell her mother? Though, TBH, it's pretty debatable how effective that's likely to be, really.
(Shinigami, Mon 18 May 2009, 11:36, closed)

Get her to tell someone in authority
Reassure her you have her back and you'll support her 100% but she must tell her mother/the army herself. The reason she has confided in you is that she wants this to be known but doesn't feel strong enough to let them know herself. You have to encourage her and reassure her.

Good Luck.
( rjmrjm, Mon 18 May 2009, 10:34, closed)

Reiteration
To reiterate what's been said here, get in touch with either the local ACF unit or RFCA in your area. They'll be able to assist / put you in touch with someone.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Mon 18 May 2009, 10:41, closed)

Tell her that she has to tell her mum and the Cadet leaders.
Explain to her it would be better if it came from her but tell her if she doesn't tell her mum by a set time (a day or two) you'll have to tell her, as no-one has the right to hit her. Explain that you are doing it to protect her and not to get her in more trouble. But try to make her feel like she's in control. Tell her you (if possible) would be happy to come round and give her a bit of moral support and help broach the subject with her mum or help her write a letter for her mum to read if she doesn't feel she would be able to talk about it. She might find once she starts to write it down, it'll all come pouring out.
And for god sake, if you do have to tell the mother, don't do it by email, phone her or go round.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Mon 18 May 2009, 10:46, closed)

Are they using firearms yet?
Seriously, this girl has to tell the cadet force. There have been "range incidents" among regular soldiers not much older than this, for much the same reasons

sorry to be all adult, but a 5.56 round at close range leaves a fucking big hole.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Mon 18 May 2009, 10:48, closed)

On exiting...

(Kip, Wed 20 May 2009, 14:50, closed)

I would have thought her superiors wouldnt think too highly of her
if she couldnt sort it out herself.

Surely she has friends in her squad can help her take revenge?
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 18 May 2009, 11:48, closed)

Try and keep talking to her, become her friend and ear.
She needs a shoulder to cry on and your annomosity is just what she needs.

Talk and listen to her,
Encourage her to take notes of all the shit that happens.
When you feel you have her trust then you should bring up the idea of getting her to tell people.
If she is too scared to do this herself, offer to do it for her.
No matter how hard it is, respect and abide by her decision.

She needs someone she can trust, if you become that person you can do her more harm than good by breaking that trust.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Mon 18 May 2009, 13:14, closed)

Hmm.
This is pretty tough. Have you asked the daughter why she doesn't want her mum (and/or the instructors to know)? Personally, I would encourage her to come clean about the other cadet, but try and find some proof to show that this cadet has been bullying her.

Don't go behind her back or she'll lose her trust in you, but make it clear you think the cadet's behaviour is completely unacceptable and that she should be punished. FFS, if the kid really has hauled off and lamped your friends daughter one for doing well then she sounds like a psycho.

If your friends daughter refuses point blank to do anything, I guess you could always try and get mentalkids details and go and threaten her with a piece of wood. Alright, don't really...but wouldn't it be nice if grownups really could deliver retribution to bullies?

I hope it gets sorted.
(berk, Mon 18 May 2009, 15:35, closed)

I've had a think about this.
She should make her instructors aware of EVERYTHING that has gone on including the twatting. However she should ask that nothing is done except that they be aware as she wants to try to sort it out herself. That way she will make them aware (legal responsibilities etc) but leave them with the thought she is capable of handling it herself. Then she will need to deal with the hard part, sorting it out. She must have some friends who will help her compile details of the bullying and come up with a suitably instructive revenge.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 18 May 2009, 15:50, closed)

You MUST do something about this
because you are the adult and she is a minor.

It would be best for her to tell her mother herself and for her mother to take it up with the Cadet bosses, because, again, she is a minor.

If you advise her of this but she refuses, then you have a duty to spill the beans yourself. If you don't, you are in the vulnerable position of sharing a red-hot secret, involving abuse, with a young girl. I needn't tell you how dangerous that can be.

She expects you to take the initiative and start sorting this for her, or she wouldn't have told you in the first place.

FFS cover your arse! Email her mum and tell her that Daughter has something to tell you about her 'accident'.

Mum probably suspects already - we're not stupid, y'know.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 18 May 2009, 16:24, closed)

Thank you
For the very helpfull replies.
Unfortunately they now live at the opposite end of the country to me.
Ive emailed her ( daughter) and asked her to ring me tonight.
Will take it from there after ive heard more
Something has to be done about this
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Mon 18 May 2009, 16:42, closed)

update
Her mum now knows and is quite rightly shocked and furious.
After my last email asking daughter to ring me she told her mum about it.
The other girl left the cadets recently.
It seems the bullying stemmed from jealousy over a boy *sigh*
I havnt spoken to either of them on the phone, dont want to call, will wait to see if either of them do.
So I dont know whats going to happen, but its out in the open now.
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Mon 18 May 2009, 23:22, closed)

TBH
That's all you needed to do. Well done for helping get it out.
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Tue 19 May 2009, 13:36, closed)

It wasnt down to me TBH
As folks said, her emailing me about it was probably a way of getting it out into the open.
I think she must have been ready to talk about it, as she told her mum shortly after I asked her to ring me.
I still havnt spoken to either of them since then so dont know what is happening.
But I'm assuming 'something' is happening.
Is taking a back seat now, they know they can ring me if they need to.
I will probably be as much use a chocolate teapot but I can provide an ear to talk to.
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Wed 20 May 2009, 1:55, closed)

That's a good outcome
but be careful about getting into a dialogue with the daughter about it - you don't want to look like someone who gets close to vulnerable kids.

Sad, I know, but it does happen.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 20 May 2009, 5:49, closed)