Bollards!
I'm a learner driver, so imagine how delighted I was Christmas lunchtime to find out my parent's had put me on their car insurance! I'd now be able to go around town with the windows down, listening to dance music loudly, looking damn cool. With my mum sitting next to me.

After about two hours of driving around perfectly, stopping off at relatives houses to say "look how well I can drive", I was following a cyclist- the only other vehicle on the road. He was swerving about a bit- looked a bit drunk. There was plenty of distance between us.

Just as I'm going to overtake him, when suddenly I see a cyclist more or less fall into my path! I swerve to the right to avoid him and smash into one of those plastic bollards you get at pedestrian crossing things in the middle of the road. More specifically, I smashed over a bollard. It sprung right back up and was fine, oddly.

The cyclist was fine. The car wasn't.

Click here for pictures of £1600 worth of damage.

Oh Bollards.
(Psythor, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 17:11, Reply)

Scarred for life.
When I was about 4 or 5, I received a blue toy car that I could happily ride around in all Christmas day. (Obviously, for the first couple of hours the wrapping paper and the large box it came in were far more fascinating. w/y/h)

This was in my parents previous house before they split up, moved out, then got back together again to spend their first Christmas together this year - but that's a different story all together! (I may post that later!) Anyway, the old house had a real fire, which had a decorative front that had to be removed when the fire was on since it had a plastic/polystyrene type backing. Safe eh!

So the fire had been on all day and when the old man thought it had died down he replaced the decorative front and thought nothing of it. That is until he noticed a bad burning smell in the living room. The fire had managed to stoke itself up and was alight again, but this time the reverse of the decorative front was burning and indeed melting.

Happily oblivious to said proceedings, I am scooting up and down the hall in my brilliant new car, that is until father hurtles past me with this great peice of burning and melting plastic to take it outside.
Next thing, cue screaming child as peice of melting plastic falls onto face and begins to burn. I think mum's exact words were "Oh shit".

Brilliantly, she picked me up and ran my face under the tap for about an hour, but not before I pointed out by screaming the word "finger" at her that another peice of melting plastic had fallen on my hand.
Apparently, after the ordeal I slept for about twenty hours (about average for nowadays) and was taken to the doctors the next day. He said mother had done the right thing and I would be left with two small scars.

He was right; one on my nose and one on my left hand to be precise.

I wouldn't mind, but there were patio doors about two yards from the fire that he could have used instead.

Prat.
(Roy Horn, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 16:41, Reply)

Sellotape
Yeah, I meant they cut bits from the roll of sellotape they'd bought and then wrapped it up...
(pastypits, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 15:24, Reply)

Sellotape...
Maybe they cut some bits off first?
(HoBag (TM) <-- Fookin' legend, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 14:56, Reply)

sellotape
How could you use the sellotape if it was wrapped up? That post is such a lie.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 14:07, Reply)

got beaten up my brother
Being a lightning wit and a smart-arsed bastard I take no shit from no man ever except if outgunned/outnumbered and this philosophy has served me well over the years until... xmas two years ago when my younger, fitter, healthier, stronger, angrier, shorter tempered violent madman brother needed taking down a peg or two, his delusional paranoia having gotten the better of him to such an extent he accused me of calling him a poof because two of the books i had given him for xmas had gay characters in them. The delusion was so well rooted in fact he had concluded that I had been planning this for some time especially to humiliate him over the festive period. Things came to a head and he invited me outside for a bout of fisticuffs which i good temperedly indulged thinking a punch or two may be exchanged before tears and embraces and apologetic epithets would ensue clearing the air and allowing us all to enjoy the best of the season. So... he charges at me, knocks me down, grabs my head and bashes it off the bumper of my mothers car a few times before laying a fair few boots to the face and guts and the most painful, frightening and shocking two and one half minutes of my life occurred leaving me with badly bruised ribs, a bit of a black eye and a fat lip aswell as some cuts and grazes. Needless to say we get on like a house on fire now. Fraternal japery and all that what? Blood is thicker than water, ho hum...
(bazmandublin, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 10:35, Reply)

One foot in the grave style shite gift givers...
Not really my story, but I'll tell it anyway. My mate's uncle and aunt have a habit of giving very cheap gifts (despite being rich, obviously). One year he came back with a T-Shirt for the France 1998 World Cup - that was in 2000. Another year, when he'd started uni and would obviously need a lot of stationery, they bought him a roll of selotape. And yes, they had used the roll in the wrapping of the gift...
(pastypits, Wed 5 Jan 2005, 16:01, Reply)

Damn my little sister
On Christmas morn, I rose especially early for I was the nominated family member with responsiblity for cooking the turkey. As I wander downstairs I find my sister face down on the living rooms floor.

Why you might ask?

She'd gone out & done a bunch of pills the previous night and was coming down vv badly. Didn't so much make my Christmas bad as her, as she decided to blame a bug that was going round whilst I mocked her constantly in veiled comments. Was great actually. Ha.
(Lord of the Pies, Wed 5 Jan 2005, 14:07, Reply)

So there I was, minding my Inn...
when this odd bloke turned up with a fat bird he had knocked-up on the back of his donkey.

I told them there was no room, but you wouldn't believe the crap they came up with so I stuck them in the stable out the back.

...wish I hadn't. What a faff - noise, babies, lights, then 3 dealers turned up with god-knows what.

Jesus Christ! What a mess.
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Wed 5 Jan 2005, 12:55, Reply)

Vomlette
Christmas Eve, got smashed.

Christmas day, eating turkey not feeling to good. I deliver a large vomlette on everyone else's plate :) Suffice to say we had chips for christmas day.

Baz
(loopadoop loves toilets, Wed 5 Jan 2005, 0:22, Reply)

Christmas Day
I spent Christmas Day at work.

At a crematorium.

It was actually quite pleasant. Very peaceful.
(DoctorJ last upset some twat who doesn't like swearing on, Tue 4 Jan 2005, 20:01, Reply)

'last christmas' by wham was topping the charts
For once everything came together the way it does on the telly.The paper hats and crackers and all that crap and everyone joining in.(A different house to the previous year where tensions ran so high that we were all convinced our parents would split up there and then.)
This Christmas was great,after our meal the bonhomie was well-nigh uncontainable.'Sing the song you made up' urged my older sisters....'er no' cue Mrs Doyle style chorus of 'Go on Go on'and whatever possessed me to think this was a good idea,I was very young I suppose and everyone was in such good humour I thought it would be alright.
This is the song I sang to the well-known 'wham' tune;
'Last Christmas, Ma and Da had a fight,
and Da called Ma
A dirty old Pox-bottle'

The masks slipped, the fight started all over again.
That was the year I ruined Christmas.
(pikey, Tue 4 Jan 2005, 17:14, Reply)

The true cost of christmas
Fed up with vouchers from mumsy, I had the brainwave - buy what I want, get wifey to pass it on and get the money to repay me. Result - pressy I want, and my money back, mumsy happy she has got me something I want. Only, weeks after the passing on of pressy, I ask wife if I could have my £30 back. "Spent it - draw it out of our (MY) account". result, paid twice for the corking thing. AND mumsy forgot to give me it to add insult to injury ("Aren't you opening your present ?" Me: "You haven't given me it yet")

Bah humbug.
(The real vlad the impala, Tue 4 Jan 2005, 14:00, Reply)