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This is a question Christmas Tales

Deskbound says: "We found my nan's false teeth under the table a few hours after we'd finished Christmas lunch. The teeth still had a mouthful of food in them." Share your Crimble-related stories.

(, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 15:09)
Pages: Popular, 3, 2, 1

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I used to hate Christmas.
My former long term partner compelled me to go to the celebrations at her parents' house.

Frankly, I would have preferred self-trepanation, an ice-pick in the eye and a corkscrew in the urethra, simultaneously, than go to Crimbo at her olds.

Offers of Xmas away overseas at delightful resorts or adventure holidays or relevant to her current interest were always declined. There was no other place she would be at Christmas than her parents' home. Ugh.

Her mum was already legless on the cheapest Chateau C'ardboard by 10:00 am - falling down drunk legless - and she was the cook.

The other family members, two brothers and a sister, had only one speaking volume: LOUD. Ear-piercingly loud - and they all talked at the same time at the table.

Sis-in-law was a teenage nymphomaniac (a minor) who made unveiled overtures to any non-family male, even my gruesome self, in front of her parents, and often. Nice tits, shame about the age and the relationship by marriage.

Bro-in-law-MK-I was milder, and did his best to not attend, but he fitted in rather well when he did, much to the chagrin of his fiancée.

BIL-MK-II was a drug fiend and was either stoned, peaking, speeding, on the nod or a combination of all, and constantly sodding off the the loo to load up again. His gf was usually hallucinating after a two or more day bender on goey or ice.

Father-in-law had his own bad tale of his own doing, but at least that was less visible.

Issues? Oh yes - they had a few. I didn't find out about these 'joys' until after the wedding...

Pissed mum-in-law always fouled up at least one significant dish to the point of unpalatable, putting it mildly, even if she had help in the kitchen. The foul-up usually involved enough salt to recreate Lot's wife, or enough garlic to slay all vampires, or appeared to be her attempt at a burnt offering, sans altar. Her desserts, on the upside, were delightfully artery-clogging and very tasty and never failed. They were usually made the day previous.

Father-in-law always put out a few bottles of nice scotch. It was to his taste and not to that of any other family members, other than his Mum who had a wee dram. Me? I hit it like the fist of an angry god, putting away a bottle before lunch. At least that gave me an excuse to go sleep it off in the front parlour, far away from the dining room, after eating and being sociable while the 'festivities' continued.

Christmas these days? Rather more pleasant.

I choose to invite who shares the table. Good friends who also have families far away are much more pleasing than unfavourable folk forced into one's life, as are good friends who want to be with friends and eschew their family at this time of year.

Happy? Yes, rather.
(, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 11:52, 32 replies)
Alright, Fartholme?

(, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 12:00, closed)

(, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 16:18, closed)

(, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 16:20, closed)

(, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 16:21, closed)
In conclusion: could very well be.

(, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 16:21, closed)
Could just be another humourless, charmless, desperate fuck-end.
There's forty thousand of the cunts on qftc.
(, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 20:15, closed)
Humorous and charmless.
Two outta three ain't bad.
(, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 6:50, closed)
Oh my!
Your admirable skills in using the search feature make the world tremble.
(, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 6:50, closed)
What's a Fartholme?

(, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 6:49, closed)
A dim and dreary Australian with no self-awareness.
The sort who'd write that kind of rambling, pointless non-story and share it with strangers.
(, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 10:52, closed)

I see. An antipodean analogue of your good self, then?

After all, you're not a sad tosser that flings muck at any and all for not any good reason, are you?
(, Sun 29 Dec 2013, 10:56, closed)
Sweet. I haven't seen a tragic 'I know you are but what am I?' since Fartbelm was banned.

(, Sun 29 Dec 2013, 14:23, closed)

Your sig says it all.
(, Sun 29 Dec 2013, 14:53, closed)

(, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 12:10, closed)
tl;dr - moan moan moan i'm an insufferable prick

(, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 13:56, closed)
You drank a bottle of scotch before lunch, and *they* are the ones with issues?
(And all the time you were having your end away with your boss's wife).
(, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 15:47, closed)

I would have preferred a medically induced coma, but as it is often said "necessity is the mother of invention".
(, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 6:52, closed)
You could have grown some stones and turned down the invitation, you pussywhipped nancyboy.

(, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 10:53, closed)

The pussy was good. The family that came attached to it was not, dear clungewipe.
(, Sun 29 Dec 2013, 10:57, closed)
I read the header, noted the Compulsive Line Break Syndrome and concluded that you're probably a prick.

(, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 16:17, closed)

Apologies. It appeared too cramped in the composition page. Lesson learned.

And yes. Yes, I am a prick, but only for you, sweetie.
(, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 7:02, closed)
Sorry, but that sounds at least 80% brilliant
My outlaws are just miserable and we have to both buy all the food and do all the cooking ourselves when we visit. And they choose the worst crap from the TV schedules (EastEnders, you slaaaaag), and only have one TV. I went to bed at 8pm, the same time as the kids.

Oh, and they didn't even buy me a present despite being worth approximately £1m.
(, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 16:18, closed)
Let me get this straight, you were leching after your underage sister in law?

(, Thu 26 Dec 2013, 22:37, closed)

No, she made inappropriate verbal advances which were ignored, repudiated and for which I chided her in public. I made certain that there was also another adult with me if she was to be there.
(, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 7:00, closed)

I made certain the restrictions on my bail required
(, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 10:37, closed)
You liked her tits, though.
I'm guessing that without another adult present you'd be too tempted to give them a quick molest, is that right?
(, Fri 27 Dec 2013, 16:22, closed)
As long as you say "honk honk" when you do it it's all completely legal.

(, Sat 28 Dec 2013, 0:32, closed)

Your morality isn't mine.
(, Sun 29 Dec 2013, 10:58, closed)
^^paedo pride^^

(, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 8:53, closed)

If you can even have such repugnant thoughts, you're even less a human than some could imagine you, using your former posts as evidence for judgement against you.

It is probable that many think you to be a sad, pathetic life form. On the other hand, I guess that you're ready to be type-cast in your current form: an old act, over done, and more milked than Bessie the Cow's ancient udders. Are you Jim Carrey?

I doubt that you would speak, in the manner you have posted so many times to so many, to a person in their presence unless you had a bevy of swift-witted lawyers in tow, or at least some chunky minders.

Right glad I am to see that you changed your sig. That change was a cunning trick, wasn't it? Oh my! Raisins were objecting to being associated with you and your genitals, without you having paid a license fee and royalties.

Why you are tolerated here or anywhere else defies even the wildest and most perverse imagination.

One can only wish that you receive that which it appears you so richly deserve.
(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 11:55, closed)
Shhh now, paedo.

(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 13:08, closed)
save your speeches for Parliament m8

(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 19:54, closed)

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