A sample of the things what Maladicta does not understand.
Babies Everyone, it seems, in the place where I work is getting pregnant or is off on maternity leave incubating their lovely crotchfruit. Then, they bring them into work to see everyone, catch up with their manager or whatever and there will be a stampede of women to see the new mother and her offspring, and they will all coo and ooh and aah and how 'cute' the baby is. Now I know people say "you'll love it when it's your own", but I have zero intention of giving birth, and to me all babies look like David Jason, Winston Churchill or a combination of the two (regardless of gender). Plus, they scream and puke and cry and shit and so forth, and they always either love me or throw up on me. Or both. I am not good with children of any age, but babies weird me out particularly because I think even if I do go "aw, isn't he/she/it lovely?" they can tell I'm insincere because I think it looks like a former Prime Minister in bootees.

Reality TV How Clean Is Your Celebrity Makeover Strictly Come X Factor Dancing On Ice, or whatever the fuck is on these days. I've got news for you, TV directors - I don't care which celebrities can dance better than these other celebrities, I don't want to hear Tracey from Bolton warble her way through My Heart Will Go On to be verbally eviscerated by Simon Cowell, I don't want two aged women pawing through someone's filthy lair and cleaning it all for them on my TV, and I definitely don't want 15 people in a house gradually fucking and falling out with one another and clogging up the papers and the internet with their mundane lives for the whole summer each year. And ITV cancelled Primeval so they could have more money for this shit? Fuck that, I'd rather watch dinosaurs and questionable science than some vacuous fame factory.

Drinking till you throw up Where, please, is the enjoyment in that horrible, sickly, cloudy-headed state where you stumble over things, faceplant spectacularly in clubs and get kicked out for being so wasted, then throw up in epic fashion either in the gutter or your toilet (friend to hold back your hair optional)? Especially when the morning after your head is still spinning, you feel like you've been whacked in the skull with a two-by-four and then you go out and do it all again the next week?
( Maladicta, Sun 18 Oct 2009, 18:01, 21 replies)

I agree with all of those!
Especially the one about fuck trophies. I work in a place where all of those who have sprogged talk about childbirth/fibroids/episiotomies during lunch. I'm lesbonic it not only ruins my lunch but also my enjoyment of the vertical bacon sandwich. Bastards.
(DryGoldfish, Sun 18 Oct 2009, 18:26, closed)

The girl who sits opposite me is going on maternity leave next week
and the chap I sit next to has just impregnated his missus. It's like a never ending cycle of baby-related despair, because no sooner will she leave than there's a new gestating crotchfruit for all the women to spazz over.

Also, you've given me two new phrases to use as much as possible: "fuck trophy" and "vertical bacon sandwich".
( Maladicta, Sun 18 Oct 2009, 18:37, closed)

I wish I could take credit
but they are from the Viz. I also like to use spaktard when describing someone who is being both a spakker and a retard.
(DryGoldfish, Sun 18 Oct 2009, 19:03, closed)

I like Spacktard.
Although my personal favourite is to call someone Retard McSpackypants, which I got from Zero Punctuation.
( Maladicta, Sun 18 Oct 2009, 19:58, closed)

yep
Couldn't agree more!
(xanthine, Sun 18 Oct 2009, 18:53, closed)

You realise the flaws, though?
If everyone had your opinion about babies, you wouldn't exist for a start.

And if a large number of people who share your opinion about babies also share your opinion about reality TV (for instance) then statistically we are just going to gradually increase the percentage of reality TV-watching twathammers in the population, as they will happily breed.

Just saying, like.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Sun 18 Oct 2009, 19:10, closed)

That's a very good point actually.
I know that 99% of my friends don't share my opinion of children and will happily coo at babies in prams ("hello! Aren't you cute?" "ohforfuck'ssake") so hopefully it's not an isolated thing and they will raise their own offspring to eschew stupid dancing programmes with a firm hand...

Or, I might change my mind about spawning, but I'd say the former is far more likely. My cousins were all little shits when they were growing up so that was me put off for life!
( Maladicta, Sun 18 Oct 2009, 19:34, closed)

breeding licences.
It's the only solution. Or compulsory chemical sterilization until you can prove you're a suitable parent...
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Sun 18 Oct 2009, 19:44, closed)

Involving the mandatory IQ and common sense tests.
As well as some kind of psychological evaluation. That way we'd be able to avoid parents epically fucking up their kids, too.
( Maladicta, Sun 18 Oct 2009, 19:57, closed)

And home visits over a period of time to make sure a stable background, with all necessities eg. enough food, is being provided

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sun 18 Oct 2009, 22:23, closed)

Do you really want Gordon Brown or David Cameron telling you how to raise your kids?

(idle insomniac enjoys listening to Sigur Rós at stupid hours, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 1:11, closed)

No, it would have to be run by a separate body
of people proven to have common sense (ie: not politicians).
( Maladicta, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 1:49, closed)

I'm a teacher
they already tell me how I should be raising your kids
(DryGoldfish, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 12:18, closed)

You drank too much.
I used to share your opinion of alcohol until I started doing it in moderation. I tend to have a thoroughly enjoyable night, with increased confidence and dancing, and I have a reasonably good diet etc so I don't get bad hangovers.
(idle insomniac enjoys listening to Sigur Rós at stupid hours, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 1:12, closed)

Probably is the case, but I used to live with a bunch of idiot binge drinkers
who were proud of their ambulance-related conclusions to nights out. More than anything it's the let's get wasted LOL!!!1 mentality that pisses me right off!
( Maladicta, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 1:49, closed)

re Parenting Licenses
Who are you going to trust to do the checks correctly? Social workers? Council employees? Nurses? The clergy? Lawyers?
(Sammyhaswoefullyneglectedyou, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 12:46, closed)

People who have undergone some kind of sanity test
that has not yet been invented but may involve telling such politicians to fuck off when they appear on the television.
( Maladicta, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 17:39, closed)

Wonder how old you are, just curious....
My wife thought exactly the same way - exactly. Hated kids, and uncomfortable with them. We were going to remain childless until we were in our dotage. They are inconvenient, expensive and nothing but trouble - why not just enjoy our peace together, and grow together, spiritually as people. Also it's not like we need offspring to support us in our old-age in this day and age, we can save for our own future...

I sort of accepted this. Just a little sad, wouldn't have minded a mini-me to play with, but never mind it'll be ok.

Until one day round about her 30th birthday and some magical mystery brain chemical timer expired and let loose baby chemicals into the blood.

Following day it was "awwwww" everytime a nappy ad came on the telly. This change in heart occurred literally in a matter of a few weeks... It's the single most dramatic psychological change I ever witnessed. Pregnant one month later.
(Super Jet Shoes, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 14:44, closed)

I'm 23, and I've been adamant I don't want kids for as long as I remember.
All partners have been instructed that should the change of heart you describe in your missus happens to me, they are to firstly beat me in the face with a frying pan Vic and Bob style, and if that doesn't work, then I am to be taken out the back and shot through the head (which is the kindest thing if my brain has gone spazzy). I just can't imagine ever wanting one!
( Maladicta, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 17:38, closed)

SJS may be right, alas
My partner has recently hit the big 3-0 and, even though she KNOWS that I don't want kids, even to the point that I made damn sure, surgically that I'd never again have some woman hand me something that's sticky, and kinda looks the same at both ends and tells me 'Happy father's day'(even though the first and only time that happened it worked out OK, the boy's missed out on most of the crap genes that run rife through my ancestry)...

Even with that, she still started hassling for a baby. At pretty mych exactly 30.

We'll discuss this in 7 years, Maladicta.
(pizzaforcat ate some cement and HARDENED the FUCK UP on, Wed 21 Oct 2009, 3:19, closed)

I'm up to page 20...
...and this is the best post yet. Spot on, Maladicta *click*
(TheUnthinkingMinority needs some new music to listen to., Wed 21 Oct 2009, 15:07, closed)