Pearoasting question gets pearoasted answer:
From: A Vagabond
Sent: XX January 20XX 15:01
To: A London Hotel
Cc: A Vagabond Hotmail
Subject: The Loss of My Hat

Dear Sir,

After a weekend of inconvenience, I have been advised to email you details of the situation I have been put in by your staff when I attended the XXXXXXXXXX staff Christmas Party at the your London Hotel on Friday XXth November 20XX.

Herewith details:

1. I took my black trilby hat and my black leather jacket to the cloakroom.
2. On attendance I suggested I needed two tickets – one for my hat, the other for my coat.
3. I was assured I only needed one ticket; that they would both be fine on this one ticket.
4. On returning to the cloakroom to collect my hat and coat, my hat could not be found.

I spoke to a kind and professional attendant called XXXX, who told me to call in the morning to see if my hat had been found, which I did at 9am in the morning of Saturday XXth November 20XX. I gave all necessary and requested details – including that I had spoken to XXXX. I said also that the hat could not just disappear; I can’t believe your staff would steal it, and that they would not be so incompetent as to give it to someone else after having assured me they would take care of it using only a single ticket. I also requested that once it was found that it be sent to me. I made it clear I had a train to catch at 12 o’clock, and would require the hat by then. I was told I would be called back in 10 minutes.

After half an hour I had not been called, so called back, and was told I would be called back in 10 minutes. 20 minutes later I was called back, to be told that the staff were still looking into the problem. I was told that I would be called back with any further information. I was called back at around 2pm to be told that there was still no further information, and that the staff were looking into the problem. By this point I was on my train, and rather put out by the whole situation; what with the UK going into winter and the weather turning slightly chilly, and knowing that there’s only going to be more to come. I was asked what the hat cost and where I got it, to which I responded that I bought the hat several years ago in Seville, Spain, and that it was a unique and personally valuable possession of mine. I was rather perturbed to then be asked if I had a receipt for the hat! Obviously I don’t, it being several years old.

I request that my hat be replaced by you by a good London milliner, which I understand to charge between £150 and £200 for similar. I feel this is a more reasonable request than for one of your staff to fly out to Seville in order to replace it.

I would like to conclude this correspondence by complimenting your staff on their professionalism and courtesy in dealing with what would appear to be a confusing situation.

Sincerely,

A Vagabond

From: A London Hotel
Sent: XX January 20XX 13:39
To: A Vagabond
Subject: RE: The Loss Of My Hat

Dear A Vagabond,

Thank you again for your email.

As promised, I have now had the opportunity to fully investigate your comments. I very much regret that after a thorough search of the hotel your hat cannot be located.

Please accept my most sincere apologies for the problems that you experienced at the cloakroom on the evening of the XXth November. As you will be aware, there was a huge amount of guests wishing to retrieve coats etc from the cloakroom all at the same time and I can only assume that your hat has been collected by someone else in error. I am extremely sorry that I can offer no further explanation but I can assure you that the hotel has been thoroughly searched and needless to say, I have spoken at great length with the relevant managers in order to prevent any future reoccurrence.

I would be happy to authorise payment for a replacement hat of up to the value of £150.00. If you would like to purchase a new hat and send me the receipt and I will then arrange for you to be reimbursed by cheque.

Once again I am very sorry for the inconvenience caused.

If I can be of any further assistance then please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

The Manager

From: A Vagabond
Sent: XX January 20XX 09:31
To: A London Hotel
Cc: A Vagabond Hotmail
Subject: RE: The Loss of My Hat

Dear Sir,

Please find attached a copy of the receipt for my replacement hat.

Please confirm receipt of this email, and that you will be send a cheque within 14 days to the address below.

Sincerely,

A Vagabond


Home Address:

My Howse

From: A London Hotel
Sent: XX January 20XX 10:17
To: A Vagabond
Subject: RE: The Loss Of My Hat

Dear A Vagabond,

I am writing to inform you that the cheque has been posted out to the address given below first class today.

Kind Regards,

The Manager


____________________


Post scriptum: My original titfer cost E30.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:26, 15 replies)

Bravo!
Now THATS how you do it!
(MrNorm, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 13:54, closed)

every victory no matter how small
is worth its weight in gold! no sarcasm intended btw, they shouldnt have lost your hat
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 14:39, closed)

Nicely written, but at the end of the day you made a (large) profit from the transaction which means you lose any moral high ground...
(strongp, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 15:35, closed)

Moral highground is the scraps left over from which the losers of the fight can feed
While the winners feast on flesh.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 15:39, closed)

My goodness
I have spent hours having the "moral highground" debate with people who have what they call a "conscience" before. And you have summed up what I have been trying to convey in multiple hours in 2 sentences!

*salutes*
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Mon 6 Sep 2010, 13:18, closed)

Hmmmm, did your hat cost that much?
Cos that's a bloody expensive hat.

Did it have a previous owner? A Mr I. Gadget?

Oh man, that would be a bargain....
( kappynitty doubled your entendre on, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 2:50, closed)

My original didn't, no - as per the PS.
But the new one did - you may like to investigate Locke & Co of London - they're one of the only two milliners a gentleman should consider in town.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 10:54, closed)

Dear Mr Vagabond,
Please refund me 11p for the minute I just spent reading this tedious punchline-free anecdote
Sincerely,
( Zuowan, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 13:48, closed)

Hahahahahaha
At first this came across that you were still feeling chippy about me pointing out god might exist, but then I've gazzed through some of your QOTW posts and it appears that no - you're just bitter and resentful about something, so you spend your time telling other people they're stupid and rubbish.

Poor you - cheer up - it's nearly Christmas!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 8:56, closed)

Good job you're not resentful over other people's success
b3ta.com/questions/professions/post737212
Eh?
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 11:02, closed)

Hahahaha
You really do need to get yourself some sex.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 11:42, closed)

You sound like a right fucking dick, no offence.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 11:26, closed)

Erm ... which part of bothering to open a new post specifically to call someone a dick is not designed to be offensive?
Really?

I mean - I sound like a dick, sure - everyone does, but ... "no offence"?

Pffft.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 11:43, closed)

You're a jolly soul, aren't you?
All this 'hahahaha' and 'pffft'.

It's almost as if your joyless existence becomes more bearable if you type imaginary laughter into the internet.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 12:29, closed)

Oh it does.
It really does.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 12:45, closed)