Swaythling - Blood Sphincter of the South
During my time at Southampton University, I lived in a suburb called Swaythling, without doubt one of the most rancid hamlets in the whole of the UK. Here are some choice details about the "house" (loosest sense of the word) rented to me and my five mates by kind old Mr Singh:

- Neither us nor the previous tenants had ever put the rubbish out. Instead it was "stored" in the garage. Imagine the foulness of four years worth of rubbish from a house containing six adults. You could smell it from a fair distance away.

- Aforementioned rubbish had attracted a large number of rats to take up residence under the house. Not happy with munching on our rubbish, they had clawed several holes in the floor boards giving them unfettered access to the kitchen. If you left a loaf of bread out for more than a couple of hours, you would return to find only the plastic clip and some shredded polythene.

- The place stank. This was self-inflicted after a particularly sophisticated game of "hide the turd". One house mate had frozen his log, and then "hidden" it by grating it into tiny pieces using the cheese grater and sprinkling it throughout the house. Because we did not own a vacuum cleaner, you can imagine how ripe the carpet got on a hot day as a result.

- Due to the poor living conditions and the fact that we all smoked, chest disorders and bronchial complaints were common. One house mate kept a "skronky pot" under his bed for coughing up his lung cheese into. It was particularly nasty when this pint of phlegm got knocked over and left on the carpet. Once the water element had evaporated we were left with a nasty gelatinous cube. I suspect that this eventually became self aware and started a ship science degree.

- The pest control man (when we eventually called him) discovered that electricity wires were holding up one of the top stairs.

- Only one room was habitable and kept under lock and key by the only tidy member of the household, who went home every weekend. We rewarded him by finding his spare key and using his room as a "wanking chamber" due to the pleasant conditions within. Also, one member of the team would ejaculate over the previous month's page of his Madonna calendar. Imagine how pleased he was in January when he went back to peruse the year and found porridge gun cartridges throughout.

Ahhh...those were the days.
(Mandrill, Mon 21 Jan 2008, 23:21, 11 replies)

?
and you LIVED here?
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Tue 22 Jan 2008, 2:08, closed)

Had to conceal the chuckle
When I read "porridge gun cartridges".

Gold.
(3lijah Oh, Jokes! I Get Jokes..., Tue 22 Jan 2008, 5:57, closed)

Glorious Swaythling
I know that part of town quite well, and it's not salubrious. What really amuses me, however, is that pretty much every last detail of the poor conditions was YOUR FAULT! Ok, so the previous tenants didn't empty the bins, but neither did you. Blech!
(Sammyhaswoefullyneglectedyou, Tue 22 Jan 2008, 10:31, closed)

^this^
also, what kind of fucking weirdo freezes a turd and grates it all round his own house?

rats eating the bread are the last of that sort of retard's problems.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Jan 2008, 11:09, closed)

^
never mind grating it round his house - who the fuck freezes their turd - what is the fucking point in that?
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Tue 22 Jan 2008, 12:03, closed)

........
What the fuck is wrong with you? You sound like a thoroughly unpleasant person.
(posage As I turned the corner I felt muscular and compact, Tue 22 Jan 2008, 13:23, closed)

^
only a nutter would try grating an unfrozen turd.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 22 Jan 2008, 13:24, closed)

^
But a frozen one is ok to grate?
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Tue 22 Jan 2008, 14:05, closed)

sick
sick sick why not live in a hole?
(Halfy By light alone, Tue 22 Jan 2008, 14:25, closed)

ROFFLE!
Ship science degree... grated turd... porridge gun cartridges... Pure class ... the best one this QOTW. I'll click when I've finished vomiting.
(drfeck pissshitfuck, Tue 22 Jan 2008, 20:10, closed)

turd
Grating a frozen turd. And then scattering it around your own house. Genius. Absolute fucking genius.
/click/!
(unciebana It's good, but it's not right., Tue 22 Jan 2008, 23:08, closed)