I REALLY, REALLY, shouldn't tell this.
But I will. But it means I can never show my face at any B3ta get together and may change my user name in a moment.


When I lived in the south of England my local pub had quite a nice habit of having late night lock ins. Not for everybody of course, the landlady had a selected few of her favourite locals whom where invite to stay behind and consume vast amounts of ale.

One such evening myself and maybe half a dozen friends where quaffing to our hearts' content until maybe six in the morning. I nipped to the loo for an extended pee and when I came back everybody had gone, and the front door was locked and the landlady was nowhere to be seen.

Wondering where the landlady had gone, I called her name, "Sarah?" I shouted (Name changed to protect me).

No answer.

I made my way behind the bar and up the stairs to her private flat shouting "Sarah" all the way.

I opened the door to her private flat and see Sarah lying, crashed out on her sofa.

I sit beside her and not wanting to scare her gently shake her shoulders.
"Sarah! Sarah, you have to let me out."

She comes to, blinks her eyes, recognises me and quite deliberatley reahces out her hand and starts rubbing my crotch.

"I wondered how long it would take you before you found your way here" she purred (actually she slurred, but purred sounds a bit better.)

I am a guy, and contact between a lady's hand and my man bits causes an immediate and totally involuntary rush of blood and turns-off all other senses.

I began kissing her, and like all good porn stars begin gently probing her mouth with my tongue.

RIGHT. This is the cringe bit. I have withheld certain information until this point for maximum effect.

I was about 21.

Sarah was around 65.

Her false teeth fell out.

*currently running round my office screaming "NONONONONONONO"*

suggestions for new user name most welcome
(bugboybeast, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 14:49, 27 replies)

New username...?
How about 'grannyfucker'?

Strangely - I have a story that is almost identical...only it features:

a) A threesome
b) My brother (not me, thank fuck)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 2 Dec 2008, 14:53, closed)

OMG! you win.
You are Wayne Rooney AICMFP.
( girlinthehole, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 14:55, closed)

oh.
oh no.

Oh no no no no no no.

*click*

edit: I had to come back just to say it again.

No no no no no no no no no.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 14:57, closed)

Posts like like...
...make me feel good because it didn't happen to me.

I'd go along with `granny fucker'.
(Audax Victor, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 15:00, closed)

NSFW: it's you porn
www.youporn.com/watch/134702/

and to complete the URL:

Username: german-mature/
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 15:02, closed)

Username
How about necrophiliac?
(BearWithLittleBrain, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 15:05, closed)

....
I'm never quite sure what it is that makes things like this "disgusting".

I aim to be sexually active at 65... hell.. I aim to be able to *still* to shoot a couple meters when I'm 80... I'll be the scourge of the OAP homes. You'd better not die before your wives old chaps... I'll be having a go when you're gone if you do.

So... getting jiggy with a granny isn't so bad... get some practice in. ;)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 2 Dec 2008, 15:06, closed)

so you mean..
Go old early, avoid the rush?

Is 42 old though?
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 15:12, closed)

It is
when you're 21. It's relative, so at 21, 21 years is a lifetime. A 42-y-o is therefore is a double lifetime. A 63-y-o is three lifetimes.

It kind of works in reverse when you get older. To a 42 y-o (like me), a 21 y-o would still be doable (I should be so lucky), but a 20 y-o would be morally out of bounds.

My fear is that as I grow older, the moral age limit I mentally carry will get older with me. Eventually, all I will have to look forward to is granny sex.......
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 15:22, closed)

Senility
Reminds me of the time (when I was in my twenties) when I bumped into one of my old scout leaders while was she was with a very attractive young lady.

Who was the same baby I'd bounced on my knee prior to her first birthday.

Her mum pointed out this fact to her...she was the one who cringed...
(Audax Victor, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 15:36, closed)

A friend of mine and I
went to Hooters not that long ago, and he immediately fixed on a pretty little thing with long curly brown hair, perky boobs, a round little arse and a bright smile. He managed to get us seated at one of her tables.

She turned out to have just turned 18.

I pointed out to my friend that she was younger than my son, and he turned pale.

After a while I stopped calling him Humbert...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 2 Dec 2008, 16:10, closed)

My sister's new husband is older than our dad
Older or younger is fine. But older than your parents or younger than you kids is a bit much.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Wed 3 Dec 2008, 2:49, closed)

Haven't we all had a
coffin_dodging_sex_fest_cringe_moment?

I know I have. Mine was upside some garages on a Thursday night. Every hole's a goal. I didn't actually physically cringe until after I put the phone down from calling her for a rematch.

I wouldn't change names over it, but if I had to then it would be "grannyfucker"
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 15:11, closed)

you should
have just boshed your cock right in there.....nothing beats a toothless throatjob!!
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 15:18, closed)

So being a spritely 43 year old.
How young am I allowed to go? I have had someone 10 years younger but I was 30 at the time.
( girlinthehole, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 15:43, closed)

HOW YOUNG?
i wouldnt go much below 12 if i were you, they get very clingy any younger.
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 15:56, closed)

just a couple of questions
@bgblouse
I'm 42.

do you
a) live in the North West?
and
b) have all your own teeth?

*stopped running round the office and is now hiding beneath my desk*
(bugboybeast, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 16:13, closed)

the rule is..
half your age plus 6 years.
(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 17:29, closed)

What?!?!?
That means I am limited to gentlemen 30 years and 6 months. That's ridiculous!
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 18:00, closed)

Wooooo!
Lock up your 27 year olds. Blousie is coming to find ya.
( girlinthehole, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 18:40, closed)

I just did the math
and I can nail a 23yr old. Woo!
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Wed 3 Dec 2008, 2:47, closed)

So
I can nail 14-15 year olds? nice.
(Holy Gabrielle is Holy, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 5:14, closed)

Assuming
you're 16-18, then yes.
(devotched, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 8:02, closed)

I've got no room to talk.
I've been with women a lot older than me.

Not 45 years' worth, but still...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 2 Dec 2008, 15:56, closed)

Most importantly...
Did she have great tits?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 7:37, closed)

My guess
is they would look like football socks half full of wet sand.
(David CopAFeel Used to be The_Elcat - Spouting crap since 1970., Wed 3 Dec 2008, 10:59, closed)

Nothing wrong with older women
I'm sure plenty of men would still do Joanna Lumley or Honor Blackman (Pussy Galore).

I dated a chap ten years younger than me about eighteen months ago - I thought he was my age. My ex is a couple of years younger than me and my current squeeze is a few years younger too.

All that said, I doubt I'd date an older man unless he was in pretty good shape both mentally and physically but then I'm just shallow like that. The few times I have dated men my own age or a year or two older I've not been overly impressed.


*awaits flaming*
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 16:38, closed)