Painful memories
Back in the old days, before I grew to look like a discarded mattress, I was quite adept with the ladies. Given that I'd had 19 years of miserable celibacy, I was delighted (and not modest) about this.

So one night, bolstered by several bottles of fine brown ale, I boasted that I could bed the next young lady that I saw, regardless of her attractiveness or boyfriend status.

This was before rohypnol, so I was going to rely on my charms.

The next woman I saw was impressively busty and showed a great deal of interest in my sauciness, as indeed was her friend. For reasons that escape me I introduced her friend to my compatriot, Jamie.

One thing lead to another and before I knew it we were in her place, passions running high. Which is when things took a turn for the worse.

Being 19, I immediately set to work on freeing her impressive bazongas. What I found, to my horror, was that her astounding hourglass shape was only accomplished by the application of an industrial strength corset. After a deft move from yours truly, her body was freed of its constraints and returned to its natural shape.

In the dim light in her room she looked like a vast beige sponge, only less sexy than that sounds. I reached out a trembling hand (I assume she thought I was in the throe of passion) and gingerly touched her, finding out that she had the texture and consistency of a felt bag full of vomit.

What was I to do? Well, as a gentleman and a gentleman of 19 years at that, there was only one option open to me.

The next morning I crept from her room, battered and ashamed. I met Jamie on her landing and together we slunk from that Lovecraftian house of horrors and never spoke of it again.
(csdaveuk, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 13:01, 19 replies)

George has a new account?

( Muns, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 13:06, closed)

George? I'm more of a Bungle, tbh

(csdaveuk, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 13:35, closed)

Who wants to ride on an ironing board?
That ain't no fun.
I tried me one.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 5 Sep 2014, 13:06, closed)

virgin

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:01, closed)

What does a moped have in common with a fat lass?
They both have a maximum engine size of 50cc.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:09, closed)

No, hang on that's not it.

(Roger McGough-Pipe, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:11, closed)

Bear with me, I'll remember the punchline in a minute.
I think it's something about compulsury basic training.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:13, closed)

Is it they both weigh around 17 stone?

( Peej, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:26, closed)

You wouldn't want to be seen dead riding either of them?

(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:51, closed)

I think it's 'they're both fun to have sex with until your friend sees you'
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 16:40, closed)

Is the answer: Not much?

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:14, closed)

fun to ride but hard to carry up a ladder?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:25, closed)

I guess it depends if it's diesel or petrol?

( Pig Bodine., Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:31, closed)

You have to be over the age of 16 to ride them.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 16:37, closed)

Hi George!.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:13, closed)

Office lols
Bonus points for "vast beige sponge" and "felt bag full of vomit". Classy lady.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:51, closed)

As a 19 year old I probably would have done the same, as you grow wiser, you realise you should always leave a corset on.

( Glovington, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 17:53, closed)

I never take mine off even to bathe.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 17:59, closed)

Fuck ya!

(Master_Slob UK minister for cultural appropriation., Fri 5 Sep 2014, 23:47, closed)