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This is a question Dates Gone Wrong

Ever gone on a date when "she" turned out to be a male university lecturer in his 50s who tucked his shirt into his Y-fronts? No, me neither. Tell us how it all went shit-faced.

(, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 13:13)
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Back when I was about 19 I had a job in a hotel bar in brighton
I had recently been promoted to a position where I would stay late, and discovered this had it's advantages, ie. an hours free unsupervised drinking.

Times with the girlfriend were very turbulant, and we were on an off period (She was fucking crazy, and somehow turned out to be the mother of my child)
Her most recent escapade at the time had involved her telling me she was killing herself (she had a history of self harm) if I didn't go back to her immediately, and as a young dumb naive teenager I dealt with it the only way I knew how, Large consumption of extremely strong alcohol.

So I was shitfaced cashing up, it was probably all wrong, but i'll never find out, here's why.

After cashing up I stumbled off on my way to the staff room to collect my belongings, when who should I bump into but my superior, however a boss of a different department. She was 38-40something in age and I had a schoolboyesque crush upon her to the point where I had masturbated over fantasies of her...anyway.
She noticed me drunk and told me to step into her office, I followed her and sat down ready for a bollocking. She asked if i was alright, I said yeah, but I needed to roll a joint to steady the ship (it definately doesnt work like that) As the words came out, I thought my job was gone forever.But she just told me I was naughty and gave me a cheeky look, but said go ahead. I began to skin up on her desk, all the while we were talking and getting on really well having not had much interaction before. When I had finished she told me she hadn't smoked in years and could she try some. We went round the back of the hotel and smoked it, If I wasn't a mess before, I had positively stepped over the line to the other side now.

I told her I needed to change out of my work clothes and go home, "No you don't" she said, and grabbing my hand she started pulling me out the main entrance of the hotel, "lets go out in to town" she said "it's been such a long time since I had any fun."
Fuck it, i thought, and off we went, still in uniform.

We started off in a cocktail bar in north laine, and ended up on the seafront within 3 hours. we were both absolutely steaming and stumbled arm and arm over the pebbles snogging intensely, I couldn't believe what was happening.
As we laughed and pissed around my keen nose gravitated us towards a large group of hippie types smoking marijuana. having smoked all mine earlier I asked if any of them had any spare, and they shared some joints with us. We lay together on the beach listening to the sea in a boozy smoky sort of coma, but regained our senses about an hour later.
Feeling like I was sobering up a little and feeling a pang of guilt for my mental (currently off) girlfriend I suggested we get some food, go to a taxi rank and head our seperate ways. She agreed.

After collecting our greasy kebabs we walked to the taxi rank, I escorted her into a taxi and bent down to kiss her and say goodbye. As I lent down she grabbed the front scruff of my work shirt and pulled me into the taxi simultaneously telling the driver her address.
Now things started getting really heavy and she went straight in for the blow job, I looked up and caught the driver smirking in the mirror, and decided he'd be ok with it, I was too drunk to feel uncomfortable about him watching. the driver told us we were nearly there and she got off me, and paid the cabby.

She took my hand and led me to the door of her flat, I was somewhere near the outskirts of the city. We bust through her flat door and immediately jumped onto her bed, as she took her dress off I could have melted, she had an absolutely amazing figure. Feeling more confident know and forgetting completely about the nutcase I showed my first signs of taking control, I teased her for a bit, and eventually penetrated her. She felt fantastic. We were going slowly for about 3 minutes before she came...and didn't she come, I found myself covered in liquid, something I had only ever seen before in porn as a 19 year old boy. She got out of the bed and went to the bathroom. I quickly wiped my hand in the gush and smelled it to double check it wasnt piss, it wasn't. When she came back I finished off, then very hurredly left, with ashamed thoughts of my crazy girlfriend making me feel very uncomfortable. I began to walk but was completely lost, and still rather sozzled. Eventually I got my bearings and walked about 2 miles home.

Upon finding my house I discovered I had left my keys in her flat, so I hailed down a taxi and rode it to my mates, it was getting light now.
As i got out the taxi I closed the door, rather amazingly onto my own head, which was now bleeding profusely, and stumbled to my mates door. I knocked but no answer. So with my bloody hand I reached through the letterbox and undid the latch, as I stepped in I found my freind in the kitchen looking incredibly dishevelled. Turns out he'd been on a wrongun bad trip for the last few hours which had heightened upon seeing the bloody hand reach through the letterbox. However the site of me with blood pouring from my cranium seemed to snap him out of it, the reality that his freind needed his help. He patched me up and we decided we'd just stay up another day as it was already light. We walked up to the hill fort above brighton and smoked all day, sharing our antics of the previous night.

I now have a scar on my head which always serves as a reminder of that random evening, I don't think I will ever forget the rollercoaster ride of lust, shame, pain, luck, joy and secrecy.
I never collected my keys, I never went back to work.
I found out several months later from a member of staff that she had got pregnant, and I shat myself (not quite literally), but I don't think its mine, the timings not quite right thankfully.

Er, apologies for the length, got a bit carried away and lost in memory.

edit: tl;dr ...Havn't really gone with the subject here either have I? whoops.
(, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 17:30, 17 replies)
This is dates gone right, and turning-up-for-work gone wrong.
You had a job where you could smoke weed and fuck a foxy milf, and you chose not to continue doing that... because?
(, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 18:05, closed)
Because I had absolutely no fucking idea what I was doing at 19
looking back...I really fucked up there didn't I.
(, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 18:07, closed)
Fair enough. At 19 I wouldn't even get such opportunities, let alone fuck them up.
(, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 18:55, closed)
Are you still stoned now?

(, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 18:31, closed)
he was wanking as he wrote

(, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 19:23, closed)
nah, I was at work, I'm stoned now though, and ain't no way i'm reading that essay
looks boring as fuck
(, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 22:22, closed)
Sounds about right for Brighton
Loved my time there, for similar reasons.
(, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 21:35, closed)
Aye, it is a fantastic place to be

(, Sun 7 Sep 2014, 19:55, closed)
MASSIVE DRUGS, sex lies, and not really on topic.
I think you win.
(, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 23:51, closed)
Monster much has spoken

(, Sat 6 Sep 2014, 1:50, closed)
Smelled, not smelt.

(, Sun 7 Sep 2014, 11:30, closed)

(, Sun 7 Sep 2014, 19:54, closed)
Thank fuck - someone who knows how to spell North Laine!

It's not "The North Lanes", you savages.
(, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 9:31, closed)
"I quickly wiped my hand in the gush and smelled it to double check it wasnt piss, it wasn't."
I'm pretty sure you stole this line from Casablanca.
(, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 12:22, closed)
I hope nobody points out that the volumes of female ejaculate are pretty much the same as men so if it was a genuine "gush" then it was definitely piss

(, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 12:46, closed)
didn't smell like it

(, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 16:48, closed)
Casanova, more like

(, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 17:06, closed)

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