Everything that could go wrong DID go wrong
Let me take you back through the mists of time to 1992. I was still living in Essex, as someone had to do, and was at the time employed by the Essex Water Company. I also did a little bit of work in a local boozer for some extra beer money. One day, while working at the pub we are introduced to our newest bar maid, her name is Jenny, she is stunning. Small, petite, a brunette, intelligent, pretty and we get on like a house on fire. Now, I get on with a lot of women, but I am not God's gift when it comes to looks and I never normally get up the bravery to ask someone out as I can pretty much predict the answer without having to resort to asking Mystic Meg. Anyway, Jenny and I continue to get on during our regular shifts at the pub and then one evening I sort of mumbled a "wouldyouliketogooutfordinnersometimeitsfineifyousaynowhichyouprobablywillasIamsuchafatuglycunt.." But quite amazingly, she said yes. I was completely spazonkled by this outcome and delighted. We arranged the following Thursday, when we were both off work for the evening we would go out.

I finish work as early as possible, get home and shower and shave and preen my grotty plumage for all its worth, desperate to make myself look presentable and even slightly attractive. I go outside and get in my car. The battery is stone dead. The car is going nowhere. My only other possible vehicle to use was my works Essex Water Company van - a rather soiled shitty Ford Escort. Not really the image I was hoping to portray, but it would have to do. So I drive over to Brentwood where she lived, windows open the whole way hoping the smell of water company tools, fags and sweat would not be too overpowering when my little darling climbs in. The road she lived in had speed humps all the way down it, which I wasn't aware of, and as I turned into it I went over the first one a bit too fast and there was an alarming metallic crunching noise from under the van and the exhaust started growling like Tom Waits with a chest infection. The roaring van arrives at her front door. I knock and she appears. A vision of total loveliness. My heart genuinely skipped a beat and I mumbled something like "youlookgorgeousyouarebeautiful" etc etc. Her smile was dazzling, but it receded somewhat when she saw her carriage for the evening - a shitty mud caked Essex Water Company van. I apologised and explained about my car. She seemed OK. So off we went. I drove over the first speed bump and the entire exhaust system dropped off the undercarriage of my van. I stopped and apologised. I climbed out and ran back behind the van to pick up the mangled wreckage and threw it in the back of the van, my hands now covered in black filth. Her smile had gone, and in her hands were a big bundle of grot mags. And not just Razzle or Escort, but the sort of grot mags you need to order under a plain brown cover. Total and utter filth. Mostly nothing to do with me. One of my co-workers of the name Nigel was a complete pornoholic and collected this sort of scuff on a monumental level. I had no idea he had left some in my van which he sometimes used, and in the glove compartment as well, which Jenny had innocently opened while waiting for me to retrieve the exhaust system. I made some sort of bleating claims of innocence and threw the filth in the back of the van, but the gleaming smile had gone and she looked like she did not believe me at all. I re-started the van, but the deafening roar of the now completely fucked exhaust system was enough to induce nose bleeds, so Jenny kindly offered to drive us in her car. As I helped her into her car I managed to get a big black smudgy hand print on her pristine white top. I had booked a table at what had once been a very nice Italian restaurant in Chelmsford. When we got there it was clear things had changed. It was shit. The music was deafening and of the Italian brand of electro pop where everyone seems to go "Bingi-bangi-bongi!" a lot. The waitress had horrendous BO and kept leaning over both of us, letting us enjoy her aroma to it's full extent. The food was shit and the whole place was populated by gurning teenage fuckwits eating pizza and shouting at each other. We drove back to Jenny's house in stony silence. She did invite me in for a coffee, and then proceeded to sit and talk to me, like I was a five year old, explaining how sometimes you can like someone, but you can only ever be friends. Understand? Hmmmm? Friends? Almost like a social worker explaining housing benefit to a client not playing with a full deck.


I drove back to my place with an exhaust system that sounded like 15 Concordes all taking off at the same time and my heart sinking to the soles of my boots. To cap a fine evening off I got stopped by the Police on the way home due to the loud roaring sound of my fucked exhaust. I was surprised to find when I got home that my house hadn't been hit by an asteroid.
(kasterborous, Sun 7 Sep 2014, 16:50, 50 replies)

I Think You Should Edit Your Post
So That Every Word Starts With A Capital Letter.
(Plague Hedgehog 'posting crap', Sun 7 Sep 2014, 18:20, closed)

hoW abouT somethinG A biT differenT?
(kasterborous, Sun 7 Sep 2014, 19:24, closed)

do these million words add up to even a fraction of the tale I told with eleven words?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 7 Sep 2014, 18:28, closed)

In a nutshell
No
(kasterborous, Sun 7 Sep 2014, 19:22, closed)

Star wars?

(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sun 7 Sep 2014, 19:23, closed)

Text wall.
Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. Text wall. You get the idea.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sun 7 Sep 2014, 20:59, closed)

Slightly unfair
He put a line break in there. Maybe "text wall with one brick missing".
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Sun 7 Sep 2014, 21:38, closed)

Fack you says don't be linebreaking so what's he to do?

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Sun 7 Sep 2014, 22:21, closed)

Just to clarify, I have no issue with the story, just the presentation.
The fact that I'm viewing it on a phone, probably isn't helping matters.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 10:32, closed)

you meant tl;cr

(Guy Debord cette mauvaise réputation..., Mon 8 Sep 2014, 12:17, closed)

Help is on its way!

(daddypigsaw Geddinthebackothevan!, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 12:39, closed)

Charts make everything better.
Could you make this into a PowerPoint?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 13:27, closed)

They're paragraphs!

(daddypigsaw Geddinthebackothevan!, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 16:23, closed)

Now I know how Catchphrase contestants feel.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 17:14, closed)

Look at Mr Chips!
He's waving!
(daddypigsaw Geddinthebackothevan!, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 17:37, closed)

Ignore those twats
I liked it and I'm much more important than they are.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 7 Sep 2014, 23:12, closed)

I agree
Not about being more important (you might or might not be but my life is too short for the 300+ posts that agreement might trigger) but because I also thought it was a good story and only lacked a few paragraph markers.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 0:04, closed)

yerr ... but your idea of fun is fancy dress and spin the bottle.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 10:45, closed)

Bit tame for you and your colleagues in the face halter brigade?

(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 12:18, closed)

dunno what any of that means ... soz

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 12:25, closed)

But your idea of fun is logging off this website and going outside
Oh did i say fun i meant utter and crippling horror
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 10:27, closed)

Readers Digest Abridged
I work. I have poor self-image. I managed to get a date. I had car trouble and this set the whole tone for the date. The date was a disaster. Still, plenty more fish in the sea.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 9:30, closed)

Ta for that Quinchy.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 8 Sep 2014, 13:34, closed)

it's nice that him and swipe are prepared to read this shite so those of us with worthwhile lives don't have to

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 14:36, closed)

*Z snap*

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 14:52, closed)

Alright Mr 30 posts a day for over a decade

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 15:26, closed)

yerr ... the "you post online" criticism doesn't really work online ... particularly using a sock puppet

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 15:38, closed)

but then neither does the "you read things online" one work either

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 15:45, closed)

mnnnng ... come on, weepy ... try to keep up

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 16:18, closed)

With what?
Your intellectual disabilities?

What is it this week, struggling to understand basic abstract concepts?
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 16:41, closed)

angry sock puppet is angry

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 16:50, closed)

tragic internet obsessive is a prick

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 16:58, closed)

^Tragic prick is an internet obsessive.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 17:03, closed)

It doesn't get better than this folks. The big guns are out now.

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 17:06, closed)

addressing an imaginary audience online

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 17:47, closed)

Next he will referring to himself in the third person.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 17:56, closed)

at least he hasn't used the word "win" ...

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 18:05, closed)

Baggenfock wins this round fuckpricks
better luck next time
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 19:59, closed)

a belligerent giving of a vgwd

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 8:48, closed)

oh you really are upset today ... excellent

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 17:03, closed)

Keep banging on about someone being upset. It's the only way to win.

NO YOU ARE
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 17:13, closed)

Story was enjoyable.

But your mixing of tenses gave me a migraine.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 18:40, closed)

send one of your imaginary kids to buy some advil from the mall
bit of a long walk now ... even for a figment of your imagination
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 18:48, closed)

Is he back in good old blighty?
What does the StalkerBot3000 say?
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 20:44, closed)

it says you're going to have a hangover tomorrow, weepy

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 20:46, closed)

I'll be dead by the morning at this rate
ha joke's on you fucko!
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 21:24, closed)

We close our eyes, we never lose a game
Imagination never lets us take the blame
We close our eyes to see the final frame
We close our eyes to time slipping away
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 2:28, closed)

no photos of scribbled notes from the lonely bar of a shopping mall hotel in a swamp this time?
shame
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 7:52, closed)

Could you not have jump started your nice honda accord with the essex water company van?
and saved yourself a lot of trouble
( Glovington, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 16:47, closed)

Good point
...apart from some jump leads, it would have been perfect.
(kasterborous, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 19:04, closed)