My wife
If she thinks I'm not listening, and by "not listening", she means "doesn't verbally acknowledge what she's just said", she will tag "y'know" onto the end of every sentence she says.

Her jaw makes a funny clicking noise when she eats.

She's a complete hypocrite. She once went into a screaming rage and threatened divorce because I was first downstairs after putting the baby to bed and didn't turn the baby-monitor on as soon as I got downstairs. A week later, she'd been downstairs for about ten minutes before me, when I got downstairs, the monitor wasn't on. I pointed this out and she said "oh, so? You can hear her anyway"

She went through a phase of halting every arguement we had by punching me in the face as hard as she could. Or try, at least, she telegraphs her punches and makes them easy to block / avoid. Though she once had a massive go at me because she had a bruise on her forearm where I'd blocked the punch aimed at my face.

There are things I simply can not do right. I call these "the butterknife things" because the butterknife is a prime example. We take out daughter swimming every Saturday morning. When we get back, we all have toast and scrambled eggs. Toast is made for the baby first, so there is a knife with toast crumbs on it. if I use this for putting butter in the egg pan, I get shouted at for getting crumbs on the "proper butter". If I get a clean knife out, I get shouted at for not using the one with the crumbs on. Every week.

She puts things down in random places, then blames me for moving them when she can't find them. She also moves my stuff, like tools, and replaces it with her own shit. When I ask where she's put things, she denies ever moving anything.

She complains whenever she gains weight, but will eat a family-sized bar of chocolate after her dinner. She will probably then blame the dinners I've made for her weightgain.

She will stand next to a cloth and complain that a counter hasn't been wiped down for longer than it would take to wipe the counter down.

She's one of those annoying people who waits until she's been told the cost of her shop before starting to look for her purse in supermarkets.

She constantly critisizes my driving, despite me never having had a crash that was my fault and her having written two cars off and dented her current car to fuck.

When she uses the kitchen (to bake, she doesn't cook), it takes me hours to clean up after her.

If I'm sick, she will suddenly come down with something much, much worse.

She's started pronouncing some things weirdly. like she'll pronounce "such" as "sach" and "month" as "mnth".

On the rare occasion she uses the washing machine, she'll put everyting in on a boil-wash.

She hogs the TV, which is why I insisted we bought a house big enough for me to have an "office" that I can escape to when Celebrity Next Top Baking Model Dance Crew Island is on.

Love her to bits, though...
(ScousersPet, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 13:41, 14 replies)

Why don't you get a better wife?

( Zuowan, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 13:55, closed)

that seems like a lot of effort
And I'm comfortable with this one.
(ScousersPet, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 14:41, closed)

Catharsis
Noun - process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions.

You let it all out big man, you're among friends here.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 13:57, closed)

Same shit, different list
I'm with you, brother
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 14:08, closed)

why put up with this shit
do you have a list of positives as long as or better than this list of negatives?

I hope so.
( ferret -> twitter.com/syfyautocorrect <-, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 14:20, closed)

Yeah
From what I've heard, she's great in bed. Or so everyone tells me.

Some day, I hope to find out for myself.
(ScousersPet, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 14:41, closed)

She must be a fantastic shag for you to put up with all that

(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 14:28, closed)

Still looks fade, being a bitch is forever.
.
(trip2themoon, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 14:31, closed)

Perhaps it might be an idea to have a chat with your GP.
Sounds like a spot of post-natal depression (unless this was all par for the course beforehand).
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Wed 10 Oct 2012, 15:22, closed)

Good point
I agree.
(ubergeekian, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 16:13, closed)

As if his GP doesn't have enough to deal with you inconsiderate prick

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 1:47, closed)

yep...
...punching sounds pretty mental - though guessing calling her that or crazy makes her red most increase.
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 3:27, closed)

She's always been like this
A bit less punchy, like, but always a bit mental.
(ScousersPet, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 9:21, closed)

Strange.
I don't believe my ex-wife remarried and had a sprog since I saw her last week.

Seriously though, my ex was EXACTLY like this. Scary as fuck. Get rid ASAP.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 10 Oct 2012, 15:31, closed)