I'm currently writing an extended essay on...
"Why did the motif of the grasshopper take on particular significance in 17th century cavalier poetry?"

Anyone got three metres of sturdy rope?
(dunkin' goodhew, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 19:43, Reply)

Driving Salesmen Mad
We all know the scenario, "Hi, mind scratching these scratch cards?, oh looks youve won, go this presentation first to get your champagne..." Only this was Majorca. Hot Majorca too.
I must have been 12 at the time, and they gave us a guide to walk us around a bit in the hot sun before trying to sell us timeshare, and we stopped for coffee. Im 12. I dont want coffee, i want ice cream. Which I got. By the end of my ice cream I had driven this salesman to banging his head on the cafe table calling me a "fruitcake" over and over. By the end of his sales pitch he was thoroughly pissed off at me for constantly rubbing my eyes and gasping for no reason, and I havent seen him since. Shame really.
(Pigmash, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 19:41, Reply)

whenever i get pissed up
i am the super plumbing expert of the world. on new years eve i spent the night walking round commenting on every bit of plumbing i saw and saying it was shit and that my work was better. i also try and make it sound like i earn loads of money when i dont.
(fwack bang on it, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 19:38, Reply)

Late Roman history
Well, bits of it. I started as a reenactor, but it's now turning into what I do for a living.

I've sold pictures to the BBC, made game boards for documentaries and appeared as `King Arthur' on the Discover Channel. I've also cook Roman food for Chris Eubank and Nigel Benn when they `trained as gladiators' and argued the toss about period clothing with experts in the field...
(Audax, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 19:29, Reply)

i wanted to quote the bf on 'what euphrosne is an expert at'
but his answer made me blush, the response his comment then got...

me: is that why youll marry me?

he: no, I'll do that because you're amazing

*is happy*

academically i'm a good few years off being an expert - ask me in 4 years when i have my PhD :)
(Euphrosne, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 19:25, Reply)

im an expert in....
...caravans. :( The last four or five years I have worked for a caravan dealership, doing repairs and servicing and stuff.
I hate caravans, caravanners and the whole caravanning scene, but I know a huge amount about them.

Slightly more interestingly, I am great with my hands. I am a very practical person, and there isnt much I cant build, fix or modify. Im the one everyone calls when they need furniture assembled, car repaired, washing machine fixed, etc etc.
A very large proportion of my friends finished uni (unlike me) and have fancy letters after their names, but lack the ability to tie their shoelaces without concentrating really hard.
George has a Masters in biochemistry, but Im the one who had to weld the broken leg on his art-deco sofa, and replace the headgasket on his car.
Saved him a fortune, and I never charged him.

I guess Im also an expert at being too nice for my own good.
(dave likes cheese, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 19:24, Reply)

Linguistics & languages
Yeah, I'm that irritating turd who'll correct your grammar in public. But it pisses me right off, y'know? When I hear the words 'there's two apples' I can't help but blurt 'no, there ARE two apples'.. Also, stuff like 'I'm on the bus, innit' makes me physically cringe. (Mental discourse: "I'm on the bus, isn't it? What the fuck does that mean when it's had a wash?") A Level grammar, y'see..

I also speak fluent Italian (which, as a lot of people don't realise, does not mean perfect [that's bilingual], it means generally functional in any given situation, such as watching TV or reading magazines, or (on really special occasions) actually talking to people.

I study Spanish at uni too. It's basically a transparent ploy to get into some sexy senorita's underkeks, our third year being spent in Barcelona. It worked when I lived in Italy! (/sweet furtive memories)

You love the length.
Bitch.
( Quiver Search for FATALISTS on Spotify, Amazon, Apple, &c, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 19:21, Reply)

Triumph!
I am pleased to say that I am an expert at writing songs. Unfortunately, 'Rubbery Cheese', 'Cup-Head Kathers' and 'The Jaffa Cake Song' never quite reached the Top 10.
Nobody appreciates my music. Bah.
(PAMPAMPAM, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 19:17, Reply)

Expert? My arse!
I was the foremost expert into the economic impact of the Environmental Protection Act's proposed Section 143 registers of contaminated land on property development and conveyancing.

That is until the Government decided to scrap it on the day I was due to give my hyped up, mega important, lets impress the invited dignitaries "maiden" unversity lecture.

Twunt.
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 19:16, Reply)

Despite having no formal
educational qualifications whatsoever, I nowadays hold down a senior exec day job & all my staff have degrees - which probably makes me more of a successful bullshitter than an expert I suspect (an expert being defined as "one specially qualified by study and practice in any science or art", according to my ancient dictionary)

I also count myself as having been lucky rather than expert in having spotted numerous then virtually unknown bands and musicians who subsequently went on to achieve at least cult status.... did the first ever interviews with Guided by Voices, Ghost, Olivia Tremor Control, Bardo Pond, Neutral Milk Hotel and the Bevis Frond for instance (OK so I did say cult status and not fame and fortune!)
( Ptolemy the man with the silent pea, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 19:15, Reply)

Homework
Im an expert at getting out of doing homework this year out of the 100+ set...i have done 3 and i used
"you wont believe me but the dog ate it"
and got away with it, genious.
(Haggard, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 19:02, Reply)

I am an expert
...in the acquisition of weed. Sincerely, this is a fantastic skill to have, and has improved my employability in a major way.

Getting hold of weed is very difficult. You ring people who don't answer their phones. You visit people who aren't anywhere to be found. You deal with 'dealers' who don't have anything to sell. Closing a deal is an act of sheer bloodyminded will. And then you have to do it all again a week later when your lame-ass friends phone you up because they're out, and they won't admit you are the only one with the muscle and the skillz to get more.

The strange thing is that I very rarely smoke myself these days. I do the deals because it's entertaining, and reminds me of what it is to be a man: to have people depend on you, and to have the power to make a difference.

As I said, it's a surprisingly marketable skill, let down only by the fact that if you ever mentioned it at a job interview you'd be frogmarched out of the door if you're lucky and the window if you're not.
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 18:56, Reply)

Apparently I'm an expert at eBay...
and I have been interviewed for Channel 5 news. It will be broadcast tomorrow, and I fully expect to look like a complete tit.

Mr b3th was part of the interview too, and apart from looking like he'd kill you and eat your liver, he was pretty good.

Bastard.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 23 Jun 2005, 18:50, Reply)

Last summer i was an expert at
Pricing things in Poundworld
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 18:50, Reply)

VAT
The treatment of Jaffa Cakes, built-in wardrobes and car-parks.
(rudespoons, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 18:47, Reply)

Fainting and recovering
I faint easily. Fortunately I can get myself into the recovery position as I faint, often managing to get out the phrase "I'm fainting, but it's okay, I'm a trained first aider". This is a good thing, because most people are useless at dealing with a fainter. And it means I recover much faster.

Therefore, I am an expert in self-dispensed first aid for fainters.
( Irregular Shed is trying to remember what it is he does, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 18:45, Reply)

Doing...
...Anything, and I mean anything, other than what I should be doing at any given moment in time. Such as now...
(spangledonkey I've got a mouse. His name is Gerald., Thu 23 Jun 2005, 18:40, Reply)

Prentending to be an expert in things
I like to think I rock at everything, but unfortunately I suck at most things. The good news is people tend to beleive me until I screw up something and spoil the whole thing.

Things I think I can do but really can't -

Draw
Swim
Upgrade my PC
do well in a high-jump competition
animate
write javascript
write html
etc.
(Alfinch With wisdom comes owls, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 18:37, Reply)

Farting
I can fart at will and can even make little tunes.

I'm very popular with the ladies....
( Snollock Biffer I don't really sniff Bollocks, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 18:30, Reply)

Plasma Screens
Having worked as a sub-sub-sub-sub-contractor on the Richer Sounds website I now know an awful lot about plasma screens.

I compiled an information page all about them for the site as part of my work and the number of times I read the information meant it stuck in my mind.

However, I still know them to be utter crap.
(SJH, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 18:26, Reply)

I'm an expert at only responding to the correct question
I was once attacked by a flock (?) of badgers, then when I was crying and bleeding they all piled on and bit me again and one of them laughed.

Now, there was no need for that...
( grey kid is breakdancing to save a community centre, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 18:23, Reply)

I'm an expert in...
among other things:

swimming pool maintenance
Indian submarines and special forces
Real estate law (U.S.)
Drunk driving law (Virginia)
absinthe
picking up butterface women

Edit: I forgot - the purchase and sale of liquid chlorine
( kingoffools, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 18:16, Reply)

Jazz
Apparently. Just got a BA in it. Can't play Jazz guitar to save my life. Rock all the way :-)
( knickers, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 18:14, Reply)

Oh -- you mean what people _pay_ me for?
Programming largely, primarily device drivers at this job... but pretty much anything to do with computers, I can do and have been paid to do.
(chazz, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 18:13, Reply)

And...
Finding my way. After one trip to Akihabara six months previous, I found my way back there (from a place that was entirely new to me, the Canadian embassy in Tokyo), into and through and out of the Bazaar, and back to the Embassy. The locals were stunned that I managed that.
(chazz, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 18:12, Reply)

Mead-making
14 pounds of honey mixed up to 23L with water... potent stuff once it's finished working. Shame I don't drink very much, I suppose... Been doing it for about six years now.
(chazz, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 18:10, Reply)

Nothing
I am a sad excuse for a dumb cunt.
(Maclir, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 18:01, Reply)

Drug encyclopaedia on two legs
i have extensive expertise in the creation, use, and abuse of many psychoactive substances, legal and illegal. What's great is most of the knowledge is in lesser-known psychoatives, or is trivial knowledge, or both.
I know 99% of what there is to know about marijuana and dextromethorphan, as well as having a large supply of trivial info on cocaine and acid, as well as practically every other black market substance.
What's most interestingv is aside from potsmoking and a total of about 5 DXM trips, I've never actually tried any of this shit, i just do a lot of research b/c psychoactive chemicals are a fascinating thing for me.
(aerodrown, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:58, Reply)

Down loading porn
Got about 20gigs and 1gig of it over a 56k line :) - Mmmm Filth
(waxdart hello., Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:54, Reply)

Punching Cats
- i've never done it. but i'd bet I'd be good at it. -

And bandwidth wasting - see above.
(waxdart hello., Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:52, Reply)