Eighties Freak show
Long, long time ago - back before political correctness - I went to a local fair along with some school mates for whom candyfloss and grimy-handed gyppos (sorry, travelling folk) represented the acme of leisure-time amusement. That, and the opportunity to be maimed by a poorly-maintained waltzer or a tunnel of love that electrocuted you half way through.

But this time it was different. They had what they called a Chamber of Abnormality - a freak show, basically. £1.50 to see Nature's abominations. If nothing else it'd be funny to see how fake it was.

The exhibits were not just laughably bad, but preposterously bad:

1) The Chicken Man - a gangly youth with a partially inflated pink rubber glove attached to the top of his head, a beak made from the neck of a toilet duck, and a feathered costume. The illusion of avian identity was perfect but for the fag in his mouth and a bored expression.

2) Double Jointed Girl - a prepubescent gyppo in a stained leotard who occasionally attempted to adopt the 'crab' position before toppling to the floor with a grunt. Watching this twenty or thirty times was both fascinating and deeply depressing.

3) The Fat Lady - a fat lady. Not obese exactly, but the kind of thing you see in the 'before' photographs.

4) The Sand Man - not exactly sure if I saw this one or not. There was a sand pit with a cat turd in it, but no indication of whether the Sand Man was literally the sand, or buried beneath it (or round the back having a piss).

5) The Man Who Eats Anything - a bit of a disappointment, this one, as he was surrounded by a team of paramedics rigging up a saline stomach pump as he convulsed on the ground.

6) Mimic Maid - a true wonder of the mimetic arts: a girl who can repeat any accent or voice tone after hearing it once. At least that's what it said on the poster. In fact, it was some scouse slapper who just repeated everything as if she were Sonia with learning difficulties. Oddly, she seemed happy to repeat the many insults directed at her.

7) The Human Yeti - a moderately, but by no means excessively, hairy man wearing clawed fancy-dress 'bear gloves' and growling every few minutes with the blood-curdling ferocity of a koala on opium.

8) Inside-Out Man - a fellow with a bucket of entrails tossed over him. I couldn't stay long becuase the flies were terrible and he insisted on attempting to push a large frankfurter sausage into some random animal organ saying "This is actually my anus, you know."

9) The World's Biggest Penis - a big draw among the girls, this turned out to be predictably disappointing. It was a man with his cock on a table surrounded by miniature objects (a Matchbox fire-engine, a Monopoly hotel, a Barbie comb etc) to create the amazing illusion that his knob was actually bigger than them all. In truth, it looked like a thawed Lidl sausage roll about two months past its use-by date.

10) Monkey Child - this was the most convicing of the lot, until I realised that the gurning, hair-covered imbecile I was looking at was actually the guy who ran the tent. The genuine Monkey Child was a teenage moron wearing a mohair sweater and eating a plastic banana.

Good old days, fondly forgotten.
(frankspencer, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 15:35, 24 replies)

And where have you been hiding?

( girlinthehole, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 15:47, closed)

here all the time
but busy. turns out I'm just very bored today.
(frankspencer, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 15:48, closed)

Hahahahahaha
Fantastic! I particularly liked "The Fat Lady - a fat lady."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 15:56, closed)

I got to Number 3
and thought "This is frankspencer surely"

I think the internet just got better.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 16:13, closed)

I was going to say "I want to go"
But between Swindon town centre and the bathroom mirror, I think I've already been.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 16:20, closed)

I hear that...
Sounds like a night out in St Neots' notorious 'The Priory' (not a rehab centre, but the stop before rehab)
( snee held his breath since, Fri 10 Jun 2011, 8:12, closed)

"blood-curdling ferocity of a koala on opium"
Genius! Worth every penny of the entrance fee to this site. An early winner?
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 9 Jun 2011, 16:25, closed)

Am I missing something here?
The 80s was the peak of OMG it's political correctness gone MAD. And it was also a time when there was a (happily short-lived) spate of deliberately shit "freak" shows. Did you completely miss the joke? Or am I completely missing the joke?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 17:02, closed)

I thought that was the early 90s.

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 17:09, closed)

You're not telling me that Joan Armatrading would have had a career if she hadn't been a black lesbian?
walk under ladders is an excellent album ... I'm such a black lesbian
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 17:55, closed)

Well observed, Dr
Accuracy and factual veracity are obviously strong elements in my post.
(frankspencer, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 17:31, closed)

I'm a fucking idiot.
that's top of my autocomplete list on almost every forum I frequent
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 17:53, closed)

This is QOTW
There are no lies here.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 18:24, closed)

Yes there are.
Paradox signed sealed and delivered just for you.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 9 Jun 2011, 19:03, closed)

wonderful to have you back.
I knew it was you at number 1. Are you back on a regular basis now?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 18:43, closed)

Alright Frank

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 19:54, closed)

Worth delurking and clicking "I like this" for

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 9 Jun 2011, 23:21, closed)

I think that I really would
pay £1.50 to see this
(greatoldone Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl f'tagn, Fri 10 Jun 2011, 6:56, closed)

Hee hee.....
......tunnel of love.....
(Mao's stepson is doing his bit for East/West relation's, Fri 10 Jun 2011, 8:35, closed)

A superb array of grotesques there
Had me going at "Sonia with learning difficulties".

Welcome back Sire.
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 10 Jun 2011, 9:41, closed)

Morning Frank
Thank god you're here.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 10 Jun 2011, 9:53, closed)

Hahahaha
My sides hurt from laughing:) *click*.
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Fri 10 Jun 2011, 10:02, closed)

Beautiful Sir
Good to see your insanity is back here.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 10 Jun 2011, 11:31, closed)

Brilliant
And a timely reminder to tell you about the summer job I had working as a carnival Inside Out Man. That actually WAS my anus.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 10 Jun 2011, 12:51, closed)