Fake Meat
aka The Tale of Kaol and the Not-So-Quorn

I was once in the process of engraciating myself with a nice* girl from sixth form, when I recieved a message from her to say her parents were away for the weekend, and did I want to come over?

I thought that this sounded an excellent idea, and said that I'd bring over some of the lasagne that I'd cooked.

Getting to hers, we ate the meaty, pasta-based goodness, and then started watching some budget horror film.

She then said that it was the best vegetarian lasagne she'd ever had.
I had a moment of panic, decided to lie, and nodded, smiling.

She'd seen the panic shoot across my face, realised I'd forgotten that she was militantly vegetarian, and much anger ensued.


*OK... A rather odd girl.
( Cawl, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:23, 35 replies)

*click*
there is something inherently amusing in feeding vegetarians meat
(09824739yhsidfhshfgq8weeq3e1, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:29, closed)

Thank you!
It was an accident though...
Although if I didn't like the veggie in question, I'd delight in slipping them the flesh.
( Cawl, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:30, closed)

I'm imagining
that sudden look of panic before trying to rearrange your face into a semblance of normality.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:31, closed)

Well done chief!
I'm always trying to sneak proper food into my sister-in-law's veggie meals when she's over.
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:38, closed)

For the record...
And for the purposes of a certain charming vegan woman who may well read this, I would not do this on purpose.
Unless the person I'm doing it to is a cunt.
Or I'm mind-numbingly forgetful.
( Cawl, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:43, closed)

Hahahaha!
Kaol, I'm glad that girl ate your meat, I'm a militant carnivore.

I've been smuggling meat into vegetarian products for years... crow-crow pops, shredded tweet, cabbham (that's ham painted green and folded to look like cabbage), feetabix etc.

Bwhahahahaha
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:48, closed)

Oh I would do it on purpose
THough not out of spite. I'm doing it for her benefit. Not eating proper food (i.e. meat) just can't be good for you.
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:50, closed)

Exactly.
Most vegetarians look so... translucent, I worry on their behalf, I really do.

I'm going to become a reverse Linda McCartney, in that I'm alive, and I will be producing meat products in the form of vegetables.

Carrot-shaped sausages dyed orange, anyone?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:53, closed)

When we met
Tourette's was a vegetarian. However I soon reintroduced her to the delights of a good sausage, and she's been alright ever since.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:56, closed)

There's not much difference
Betwixt the shape of carrots and sausages. Either that or the carrots we get here are poor examples.

Is it just meat vegetables you're going to make? Why not fruit. THen you can have some nice meaty peaches/melons.
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:56, closed)

@D's G
Hooray for converting the hippies!

@Teran You mean like strawberry meatballs? Perhaps some chipolata figs?

I like where we're going with this.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:59, closed)

I read that
as chipolata fags...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 15 Jul 2008, 13:00, closed)

Hmmm...
This wasn't meant to happen...
Why do all my posts spawn weirdness in the replies?
*shakes fist*

Ah well...
( Cawl, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 13:00, closed)

Weirdness?
Dunno wot you mean, guv.

*feigns ignorance*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 15 Jul 2008, 13:01, closed)

Weirdness?!
How dare you!

I shall have my Shredded Tweet back now thank you very much, you vegan-plugger you.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 13:03, closed)

Vegan-plugger?
*mind boggles*
( Cawl, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 13:04, closed)

You plugged a vegan!

...with your meat (probably).
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 13:12, closed)

I find that both
Crude, and offensive Burt.

I'm glad you're back on form
( Cawl, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 13:29, closed)

All these veggie haters are just as bad...
as militant christian cunts. Sad.
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 13:31, closed)

I'm no veggie hater
Each to their own.

unless they are kiddy fiddlers. In which case they should be burned.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 15 Jul 2008, 13:46, closed)

No, wasn't thinking strawberry meatballs
more a thinly veiled inuendo. Its what b3ta's for afterall. Apparantly.
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 13:59, closed)

I remember once at university
we had one pretentious music-student twat flatmate who, completely messed up the living room and never, ever cleaned his dishes, and would then spend hours and hours lecturing us on how we should clean our plates if we so much as left a teaspoon out of place.

Along with his girlfriend, who used to hammer on doors and insist that we all got up when *she* got up, which was always at 7.30 in the morning, they were the most annoying couple I have ever had the misfortune to meet. They once reduced the most mild-mannered, quiet Brummie bloke I have ever met to paroxysms of shouting and physical threats after woke up for a lecture on the day we were due to have a flat inspection (and had thus spent the previous week cleaning everything up perfectly) to find that the Pretentious Twat had strewn an entire roll of tinfoil around the kitchen.

My revenge was more subtle. I knew they were both vegetarians, and loved those Quorn faux-chicken chunks you can get in various flavours in the little bags. I was making a nice big beef spaghetti bolognese that night while they were out, so while I was waiting for the pan to heat up, once the mince was removed, I took some tongs and very carefully dipped every last chunk of Quorn in the dripping cow blood in the bottom of the tray.

I have never been happier to see someone eat Quorn.
( Shegetz Chris Kamara's comedy moustache, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 14:05, closed)

@Teran
Are you saying that Strawberry meatballs isn't a euphemism? -Well in that case, I'm going home.

@Vix0r and ancrenne, you knows I'm kidding really, I love hippies, vegetarians, art students and homosexuals really.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 14:14, closed)

It could be one I missed Bert
I was thinking of lady bits myself though :P
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 14:16, closed)

Suck on my
strawberry meatballs, has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

I'll use it with the Mrs tomorrow, and see if it puts her off.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 14:22, closed)

Once
ordered 1 meat, 1 veggie burger with a veggie gf and got 1/4 way through before we realised we'd got the wrong burgers. She took it rather well though.
(Richy_T hundreds if not thousands of dollars, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 15:50, closed)

ancrenne
I'm sure I can make sure that Bert behaves from now on....

*calls becky*
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 15:56, closed)

Oooh
I feel very sorry for you she must have been pissed most veggies are weird. I've never ate veggie stuff but it just sounds weird. Even vegetarian's must hate it. Meat's natural why don't they just eat it?!

*retchs* *shudders at the thought of veggie meals*
(RDFCRob Please God let Obama win!, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:04, closed)

Fucking militant vegetarians..
..if you eat meat by accident then you might as well enjoy it and not complain. This from an ex-vegetarian (who ermm.. ate fish regularly - they're well dense).
(lost, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 19:46, closed)

/\ /\ /\*sidles up*
you rang my dear?

*eyes Bert suspiciously*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 22:20, closed)

Um...
*Quietly*
We're not all weird, militant, hippies, or awkward. There's just a loud annoying few who've probably jumped on loads of band-wagons as a way of drawing attention to themselves. Most of us get on with it quietly, it's just a part of life, a decision we've made for whatever reasons, and we don't in general make a big deal about accidents, or *shock* our veggie food touching meat. That's just silly. IMHO. I'll leave now...
(cherrynicola, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 12:25, closed)