The dancing spider
I once trapped a huge spider in a Ferrero Rocher box, when it made a sudden appearance on the bedroom windowsill right by my elbow, as I was enjoying a spliff one balmy summer's night. Huge really was the word, too - big body and long legs.

As terrified as I can be by these sinister spawn of nightmare, once it was safely locked inside a perspex box it became really interesting and I spent some time studying its loathsomeness at close quarters.

Finally it was time to go to bed and, in a spliffy haze, I put the box on top of the bedside lampshade so I could watch it for a little while longer before I fell asleep.

It was quite still at first, then began to explore it's surroundings, moving across the base of the box. It obviously wasn't happy in captivity but I hadn't expected the degree of fury it showed by getting more and more agitated inside the box.

It ended up (quite literally) violently dancing around the box, all its legs pumping up and down like some arachnophobic Riverdance, before flipping over onto its back and twitching a bit before lying still.

It was only then that I remembered that spiders have their nerve-endings in their feet. Not only had I killed a spider, I had in effect tortured it by sitting the box almost directly on top of a hot lightbulb and baking it to death.

I almost felt guilty. Then I remembered that it was a spider and rejoiced in my inadvertent ingenuity. Then I felt guilty again. Then rejoiced.

I will probably burn in spider hell for this.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 1:39, 26 replies)

(^(^;;^)^) TEAM SPIDERS HATES YOU AND WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE MAMMAL!
(^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 15 Sep 2014, 2:58, closed)

spider hell?
worst of all teh hells. shudder.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 9:01, closed)

Web access is pretty good, I believe.

(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 12:55, closed)

win

(Carpe Cyprinidae, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 14:29, closed)

go and stand in the corner and think about what you've done

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 16:14, closed)

spider hell is not too bad
it's full of bathtubs and playful kittens
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 9:04, closed)

spiders is people too

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 9:32, closed)

you do know that's one of the early hallmarks of a serial killer, right?

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 14:11, closed)

only in pulp novels and hollywood schlock thrillers

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 14:48, closed)

but they're the best kind!

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 14:56, closed)

box sets of House and ER are better than a medical degree

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 16:14, closed)

i have neither
so i'll take your word for it
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 16:59, closed)

it's probably lupus
let's all relax and watch hugh laurie and george clooney getting BUSY
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 17:56, closed)

most disturbing porn ever

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 18:46, closed)

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 19:03, closed)

Exclusive to Sky One

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 19:39, closed)

exactly

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 15 Sep 2014, 19:50, closed)

see, you show me pixellated cocks
and the first thing i think is "i could knit that"
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 15:19, closed)

minecraft porn

(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 15:56, closed)

niche!

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 19:17, closed)

Someone, somewhere must be creating this
If not, it's a future Image Challenge.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Thu 18 Sep 2014, 14:40, closed)

rule 34

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 19 Sep 2014, 15:40, closed)

rule 34?

(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Sun 21 Sep 2014, 1:10, closed)

if it exists, there's porn of it

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 21 Sep 2014, 15:28, closed)

Ah. Ta.

(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Tue 23 Sep 2014, 1:02, closed)

By putting the spider on top of the lamp.
I have this bizarre mental picture of a macabre spidery shadow dance projected onto your ceiling..
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Tue 16 Sep 2014, 22:43, closed)