This is like being present at the last days of the Roman Empire.
Not.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Thu 25 Sep 2014, 13:56, 5 replies)

Baggenfock fingers autistic blind kids

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 25 Sep 2014, 13:19, 11 replies)

A third week of this?
That's the fear.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 25 Sep 2014, 13:06, 1 reply)

Anonymous pricks on the internet
not realising that I'm better than them.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 25 Sep 2014, 11:33, 4 replies)

It's okay he's taken me off ignore now so I can stop crying

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 25 Sep 2014, 11:16, 4 replies)

I live in fear that all the amusing people will get banned, leaving only the dull ones posting tedious stories without anyone calling them a prick and then having a massive argument about it.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 25 Sep 2014, 9:13, 25 replies)

What're the odds on a new question tomorrow?
A) Holidays you never had.
B) Worst excuse you've given the A&E nurse / RSPCA for why that dog was stuck on your finger.
C) Tales of nonces outed on QOTW.
D) Who's the weepiest dullard?
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Thu 25 Sep 2014, 1:25, 3 replies)

I've thought of a way to save b3ta but it's a bit drastic. They basically have to ban all the current members, delete the site and then open a new site and call it something else but don't let any of the old members register.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 24 Sep 2014, 19:16, 14 replies)

Mongs really spook me out.
I deal with it by avoiding Wales, Yorkshire, Essex and other such hotbeds of incestuous fuckwaddery.
(Tugnut I got them all..., Wed 24 Sep 2014, 18:45, 3 replies)

:( Missed all the excitement, anyone care to enlighten me as to the post that finally did it?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 24 Sep 2014, 18:43, 56 replies)

If anyone managed to hack ringo's iCloud account and posted nude photos of him it would ruin the internet for ever

(Albert Marshmal|ow Having a lovely holiday and I can prove it, Wed 24 Sep 2014, 13:12, 22 replies)

l33t hax0r
click this please. www.theworldsworstwebsiteever.com/
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 24 Sep 2014, 11:00, 3 replies)

Please...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygr5AHufBN4
( $$ ✅, Wed 24 Sep 2014, 10:23, 2 replies)

Dread and fear should not be confused.
By dread I'm inspired, by fear I'm amused.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 23 Sep 2014, 18:14, 4 replies)

That this QOTW
....goes on forever :(
(Mister_E_Meat was caught sniffing bike saddles at, Tue 23 Sep 2014, 12:29, 2 replies)

Through a freak accident, getting twelve golf balls wedged into my arse in such a way that makes it really fucking difficult to get them out.
Then, whilst in a prone position on the bed whilst trying to extract the golf balls, the reanimated corpse of my grandmother walks into the bedroom, with the intention of telling me where the family has untold riches stored, with full access details. Unfortunately, the golf balls release themselves at high speed, penetrating her skull, this re-killing her permanently, leaving me with the shame of having my dead grandmother catch me retrieving golf-balls from my arse, killing her, and never getting my hands on untold riches.

I'm fucking terrified of that happening.
( Muns, Tue 23 Sep 2014, 10:52, 36 replies)

Virgin
Sorry folks. Long story coming………

A while back I used to live in Manchester but work in London so it meant a weekly commute down to the smoke on a Monday and back on a Friday.

The return journey was always shit. The train was *always* packed to the roof with standing room only on a Friday night - unless you had a reserved seat which I always did.

So this one Friday, after a brutal week at work, I had a couple of pints before girding my loins and getting on the bloody Virgin train north. As usual, the train was packed to buggery and I found my seat and turfed out some chancer who had tried to nick my reserved seat. I grumpily settled in for the journey home.

Hmmmm. Train not moving. What's up? Then I heard the guard shouting:

"Move down, move down"

And the bastards were cramming more people on this already hideously overcrowded train. Bastards. Still, the train pulled away eventually and I lifted my eyes from my book and saw an exhausted looking girl carrying a baby. And she was standing. Standing all the way from London to Manchester - it was a non-stopping service.

Now I was brought up is to have a few manners. Woman with baby standing - me sitting - not right. So I stood up and offered her my seat, which she gratefully accepted, and I decided to bugger off to the restaurant car and try and get a seat there. I was also quietly boiling about how packed this train was and by the time I'd fought my way up the packed aisles I and reached the restaurant car I was bloody furious with Virgin.

As the food in the restaurant is extortionate it was, as usual, pretty quiet and I managed to get a seat. In fact, I managed to get a double seat to myself. And, as I looked up into First Class, I could see that there was hardly a soul up there in the posh seats. Well that just about did it. I passed from being really, really angry and reached let's-see-how-much-trouble-I-can-cause mode.

So I ordered a bottle of wine and a big meal. I sank the bottle in about 30 minutes (ever noticed how quickly you can drink when you're angry?) and ordered another one. Meal arrived, polished that off and ordered a large whiskey. As that arrived, so did Mr Ticket Inspector.

"Tickets please!" he trilled.

"And you can fuck off as well" I said. "I've got a valid ticket but there's no way I'm showing it to you. And another thing. See this food and booze I've just eaten? - Well I'm not paying for that either. It's a bloody disgrace the way you've packed this train. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're breaking some sort of Health and Safety laws. And, while I'm on, why hell aren't you letting those poor buggers who are standing have the unused seats in first class?"

Well, I was off on one now. I tore into him for about 15 minutes about how crap his company was and how he should be ashamed to be working for them. I ranted on about overcrowding and the idiocy of packing people in like cattle and leaving all that space in first class.

He wasn't happy and eventually we had a slanging match and he said if I didn't produce my ticket and didn't pay for my meal then he would call ahead and have the Transport Police waiting for me when we got to Manchester.

"YOU BLOODY MORON" I yelled. "THAT'S WHAT I WANT! I *WANT* TO BE ARRESTED. I WANT TO BE TAKEN TO COURT. AND WHEN I'M THERE I'LL MAKE SURE THAT THE FUCKING PRESS ARE AS WELL SO I CAN GET MY VIEWS ACROSS ON HOW YOU BLOODY BASTARDS ARE CRAMMING THE TRAINS TO DANGEROUS LEVELS JUST TO MAKE A FEW QUID. NOW PISS OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE....."

Honestly people - I very, very rarely lose my temper but that day I'd just had enough.

Obviously this story is a Legless repost from about 1903 or something. I thought I'd insert this paragraph to see if anyone actually reads QOTW stories these days, and if the mods actually give a shit about using it as a random pasting board, or if everyone just assumes "shit, 30 paras of text, that must be Skagra" and tl;drs straight to the comments.

So we eventually arrived in Manchester and I sat quietly in my seat and waited for the police to arrive. After about 15 minutes, still no sign of Plod so I decided to go looking for the guard and present myself for arrest. I had to hunt around a bit but eventually found him.

"Well. Here I am. Where's the law. I want to be arrested." I said.

"I've had a word with the station manager and we've decided, in the circumstances, not to have you arrested after all" says guard.

I just looked at him.

"You, and your company, are a fucking bunch of gutless wonders...."

And off I wandered into the night.

Cheers
(Guy Debord cette mauvaise réputation..., Mon 22 Sep 2014, 22:57, 20 replies)

Good evening.

(Good evening Good evening, Mon 22 Sep 2014, 22:30, 2 replies)

Good evening.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 22 Sep 2014, 20:43, 19 replies)

I fear this is the last week for b3ta.
Right now, Rob's about to spunk into the server, frying the site and only the dwindling advertising revenue is holding him back.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Mon 22 Sep 2014, 20:40, 6 replies)

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 22 Sep 2014, 18:56, 17 replies)