Not necessarily the first rude thing I saw...
A while back I worked in a pretty decent office. Pretty decent in the fact that the toilets were of exceptional quality. They had three individual, fully enclosed, spotlessly clean and secure WCs. No male or female. No gap under the door. Just perfectly private places to piss, poo...or knock one out.

It was the latter of those uses that found me occupying one of these brilliant bogs one Friday afternoon. Something or other, I forget which, had titillated me. So I made my way to the first available luxury loo and began my wank-at-work ritual.

Door locked, yes. Taps running, yes. Squirt of lovely smelling pink soap in left hand, yes. Trousers round ankles, yes. Right hand positioned on wall above toilet bowl, yes. Spare hand ready to work, yes.

Time is hard to measure mid- toss, all I can remember is that I was deep into my fantasy, eyes closed and really pumping, when something happened that should never, ever happen. Ever.

In strolled the work experience girl. The lovely middle class teenage work experience girl. Fresh from taking her GCSE's, she was there for a couple of weeks in the 'real world'. Instinctively I turned around. I clocked her and my body and mind acted independently of my brain. I spun back, knelt down and began to make very convincing gagging sounds. It was obvious. I was being violently sick.

She ran out and I continued my charade for a few minutes more, before sheepishly creeping out. I made it back to my desk, fielded the concerned queries of my co-workers and managed to make it through the rest of the day.

As luck would have it, that Friday was her last.

I'll never know if she realised what was actually going on. I'll never know if she ever spoke to anyone about it. I'll never know how she made it through the door I was positive I locked. And I'll never know if that was the first, really rude thing she ever saw.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 17 Aug 2011, 17:50, 20 replies)

She knew and she told everyone in the place and they told all their friends and because of the six degrees of separation thing your friends and family and current co-workers know too and they snigger and point behind your back. 100% guaranteed. In fact, everyone here already knew too and we are surprised its taken this long for you to confess.

One question though, office wanker (as you are known to all): did you finish?
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 17 Aug 2011, 20:40, closed)

Office wanker? Everyone I know calls him "bogwank".

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 2:06, closed)

Wow, you get creepier and creepier.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 8:41, closed)

Here he is, getting prepped for the big moment.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 15:08, closed)

Gah, my eyes.
MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!!!!
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 15:09, closed)

What's wrong with his glasses?

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 15:27, closed)

0-o
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 10:56, closed)

Oh, you're the guy that gets into peoples' email accounts using CV information.
Not really surprising that this has happened to you. Work experience would make her 14, yes? Not surprising at all.
( Kroney, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 12:36, closed)

No way you big spastic, you're a mentalist.

( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Thu 18 Aug 2011, 12:45, closed)

it's funny because this is all lies

(likeajackhammer, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 14:38, closed)

Why would you lie to make yourself look like some kind of creepy obsessive type perving over young girls?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 14:43, closed)

let me rephrase...
I HOPE this is all lies...

or at the very least he's only firing his degenerate seed into the karzi
(likeajackhammer, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 14:51, closed)

Whatever you way you slice it
this is internet gold.
( WormuIus, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 15:00, closed)

....said the Nightstalker.

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 15:00, closed)

Lest we forget

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 15:04, closed)

Just in case ennit.

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 15:20, closed)

I think you need to spend some time at Her Majesty's Pleasure.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 15:14, closed)

Are you proposing that he pulls off the heir to the throne?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 15:17, closed)

I'm sure that is how he would interpret it, yes.
If he hasn't been in trouble with the police already I will be very surprised.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 15:22, closed)

it looks like a fake and it smells like a fake
and it is a fake. which goes for all his pseudo-paedo stalky stories.

although it doesn't explain why anyone wants to write creepy stories and post them online. but then lots of things are inexplicable.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 16:12, closed)