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This is a question B3TA fixes the world

Moon Monkey says: Turn into Jeremy Clarkson for a moment, and tell us about the things that are so obviously wrong with the world, and how they should be fixed. Extra points for ludicrous over-simplification, blatant mis-representation, and humourous knob-gags.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:53)
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Regardless of the situation tea is the answer. If you are warm tea will cool you, if you are cool tea will warm you. If you are excited tea will calm you, if you are slow tea will rouse you.

Given that tea has mystical properties that fix everything, I propose that the answer is always tea. Here are my key points on how tea will fix broken Britain:

1. a sense of perspective.

After a nice cup of tea things become much clearer, so the country might not seem so broken after all. This will help us as a nation to gain a sense of perspective.

2. New laws to help promote tea.
such as lobbying the UN to include the right to a nice cup of tea and a sit down to its charter on basic human rights.

All starbucks baristi to be required to ask "are you sure you don't want a mug of tea and some biccies instead?" to everyone who asks for a latte and a muffin.

Road rage to be reduced by making the normal time for tea 4.45 instead of 4pm. this way when everyone goes to drive home at five they will be refreshed and relaxed.

3. Job creation
The unemployed will come to your house / place of work to get a brew going.

4. Better policing.
Q: what does a policeman keep under his helmet?
A: Now a Thermos full of tea and a special holster containing up to two sugars.

Having all PCs equipped with ready access to a nice cup of tea will keep them operating at peak efficiency thus keeping crime to a minimum.

5. smarter politics
To help the houses of parliament run more effectively for the sake of good governance all sittings will include regular tea breaks. the speaker of the house's duties will be expanded to include putting the kettle on. Bonus: to help improve on their image the Lib Dems could bring in scones from their west country seats (ooohh lovely).

6. Going green.
To encourage public transport use all buses will be equipped with tea making facilities.

Free tea for all school children, the biscuits they get along with it will be performance related: smart well behaved children get jaffa cakes, the scruffy thick ones have to suffer through Lidl's own rich tea.

8. national pride.
The national anthem will now stop halfway through for a quick cuppa just to make it even more British. this will gain us over 9000% more gold medals in the 2012 Olympics as those athletes will really need a tea after a long race.

9. Negative VAT on tea
Tea will be taxed at -20% the savings will allow even the poorest households access to fox's teatime assortment.

10. Healthcare.
Currently the NHS wastes eleventy billion pounds treating people who just need five minutes to have a sit down and a cup of tea. A national awareness campaign will extol the healing properties of tea.

11. The economy.
Right now we are facing a turbulent stock market, and mountains of toxic debt. And no wonder, have you seen stockbrokers at work? they are all "buy buy buy or sell sell sell" at the top of their lungs like some sort of manic capitalist howler monkey. After the 'Tea in banking act 2011' regulations set in the most common phrase on the trading floor will be " lets put the kettle on and think this through" making for a even keel economy.

You know it makes sense.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 19:35, 11 replies)
Fuck Tea! it tastes like mud.

(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 19:45, closed)
There is no place for you in the new world order.

(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 23:12, closed)
Tea is SHIT.
REAL men only drink BOOZE.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 19:46, closed)
i wish to subscribe to your newsletter
right after i've made this brew
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 19:48, closed)
You get my vote.
Frankly, you might get a tea drinking sect fashioned upon your teachings if I can be bothered. I shall mull over it with some Kenyan and a splash of milk and get back to you. Have a click whilst the kettle boils.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 21:01, closed)
For a very interesting read;-

Edit: interesting theory - the Germans had so few colonies because they were exclusively beer drinkers
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 21:23, closed)

(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 21:24, closed)
A thousand clicks for you
...if I could. I think it would solve America's gun problem too, I'm a British ex-pat and not once has an American offered me a cup. Imagine how many less shoot outs there'd be in the ghettos if they sat down with a brew first. And you can't say anything about tough guys not wanting to drink it, they all drink gin (according to Snoop Dogg) which we all know is an old lady's drink anyway.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 22:15, closed)
replace tea
with Buckfast and I think you might have something...
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 22:32, closed)
That reminds me:
it's time for my morning coffee.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 7:47, closed)
Hear Hear...
Well said that chap.

Garibaldi ?
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:05, closed)

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