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This is a question B3TA fixes the world

Moon Monkey says: Turn into Jeremy Clarkson for a moment, and tell us about the things that are so obviously wrong with the world, and how they should be fixed. Extra points for ludicrous over-simplification, blatant mis-representation, and humourous knob-gags.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:53)
Pages: Latest, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, ... 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

Curse you JamHamster!
...for getting there first.

In order to enforce the idea that the media are there to report, you know, facts, any media outlet that publishes something that is either

a) A blatant invasion of someone's privacy and in no way in the public interest


b) An obvious distortion of someone's work, research or writing/speech


c) Demonstrably false, but testable before publication

should be fined on the following scale: 1st offence = 10% of assets, 2nd offence = 50% of assets, 3rd offence = 100% of assets.

The tabloids (including the Mail and the Express) would go under within 6 months and the remaining papers would have to seriously raise their game. Yay!
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:06, 4 replies)
Give everyone a stick.
That'd sort a lot of stuff out.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:01, 3 replies)
Think it's Mark Thomas' idea
and a brilliant one at that.

Anyone who believes in/practices homeopathic remedies gets denied all conventional medical treatment, and has to cure themselves solely using their magic sugar pills.

Edit: Also I believe people should have to choose between voting in elections and for reality television programmes. Eliminates the fucktard demographic from voting on important issues.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:01, 3 replies)
Babies on planes
Should be fitted with a stethoscope with the chestpiece mounted in front of their mouths.

This will ensure that they moderate their crying down to a level which is still audible to the parent holding them but not so loud it deafens them or the poor sods on an long haul flight trying to get a spot of spatchka.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:01, 1 reply)
Replace the entitlement of the vote with having to earn it by passing a test on the main policies and leaders of the five main parties.
This test would be created by a forcibly independent body, consisting of members chosen at random - like for jury service - each election year.

The ballot would be adjusted to include a "None of the above" option.

Anyone who is swayed by whether or not a politician smiles very much, or how good their hair is, should not be able to vote.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:59, 9 replies)
Let's aim low
Members of parliament and those that wish to become members of parliament.

Watching the palace of Westminster disappearing a in a world of smoke and self righteous noise, I can't be the only one fed up the back teeth with the emergence of a political class, identifiable in their choice of party only by the colour of their ties. A group of people who increasingly have never interacted with the population other than to berate whatever section of it notionally angers their party- delete as appropriate.

The Ancient Greeks recognised the emergence of a political class was bad yet two and half thousand years later, we seem hell bent on making the same mistake. We could fix this easily but given it would affect the leaders of the three main UK parties (and very possibly others, I haven't been able to check), it will only ever be a pipedream. So;

1) A minimum age of thirty for all people wishing to stand for parliament.
2) You must have been resident in the constituency you wish to stand in for two years.
3) You must have an employment record that contains two consecutive years of work outside of politics. What that employment was is not important- the idea is that you have at least experienced life outside the bubble before entering it. All too often we see new MP's who were at university, joined the local wing of the NUS, became a "researcher" to an MP, an adivsor to a minister and finally got their safe seat (that they visited first time to canvas in) to live in the bubble forever.
4) If you are found to have lied, defrauded, fiddled or otherwise attempted to fuck the electorate, a non negotiable, lifetime ban from further political roles needs to be enforced. The lightweight prison sentences that various expenses cheats have been given is less damaging than removing them forever from the teat of public funds.
5) A mandatory level of attendence in the parliament you represent and a minimum amount of consituency activity to be achieved in a calendar year.
6) Your expenses to be published in full at the end of each financial year. Many MP's already do this so we really ought to be asking what those that don't have to hide.

So there you have it. Nothing impossible, elitist, prejudicial to any particular social class or group but collectively something that might lift us off the rock bottom of the current crop of political figures. Not that it will ever actually happen.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:58, 8 replies)
Prove it!
Everything that isn't provable with at least three empirical examples should be banned from all forms of media. ;-)
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:51, 16 replies)
The litmus test of idiocy should be applied
Everyone in Britain should be forced to listen to Richard Littlejohn, then anyone who agrees with anything he says should be bum raped to death by syphilitic monkeys
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:48, Reply)
Make Vanilla Coke available to every country on Earth.
Even North Korea. Maybe then they'll stop chucking their toys out of the pram and chill the fuck out.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:45, 18 replies)
It would be very simple to fix the world.
All it needs is for everybody to be doing everthing that I think they should in the exact way I think it should be done at the very moment I think it should be done for exactly as long as I think it should be done and for the precise cost that I think it should be done for.

I don't know why people can't understand that.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:43, 4 replies)
Genocide would be a fairly decent start.
I'd propose a programme of eugenics to thin out the autisms. It's well known they're fond of corners so let's herd them into a circular enclosure. Wire it up to the grid and there's your energy crisis halfway solved as they try to find a corner to rock backwards and forwards in. Giant hamster wheels with cake dangling above them will sort the fatties out and give us even more energy.
And reducing the fragile QOTWers to tears by forcing them all onto /talk would provide us with plenty of water. Mmmmmm, outraged snotty tears. LOVELY.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:41, Reply)
i say we take off
and nuke the entire site from orbit.
it's the only way to be sure.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:40, 8 replies)
Free bacon for every one
except you, you fat head you have had to much already, but free bacon for nearly everyone then .
not the thin crappy stuff that oozes whits jiz but thick cut dry cured smoked bacon
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:36, Reply)
Free kittehs with all items that are sharpe
buy a stanley knife get a kitteh
buy a knife block get 6 kittehs
after all we need some where to store the sharpe things
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:34, 2 replies)
Make flights cheaper
by making everyone wear all the clothes they were going to pack, that way, people will only have hand luggage, freeing up the luggage storage section of the plane to be fitted with more seats (full of people wearing all their clothes). I've not thought this through, but it looked right as I was typing it. Do I win a pencil?
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:34, 1 reply)
More tests are required
1. You must pass basic map reading before you are allowed to have a Sat Nav.

2. Having kids is a privilege, not a right. Your suitability as a parent will be tested and you are only allowed to procreate with the correct paper work. Not sure how this will work but a bit like an MOT I think.

3. You are only allowed to go on holiday if you can name 2 interesting facts about the place you are visiting.

4. You will only be allowed back in if you know another 2 when you return.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:30, 9 replies)
A standard alignment level for recorded music.
Recorded music in the last 15 years, thanks to the loudness wars, has gotten more and more dynamically compressed, so that all the soft sounds are as loud as the loud sounds. This means that modern music sounds terrible, unlistenable, even. It's just a tiring audio mush.

I'm sure a regulatory group exists that could place its stamp of approval on recordings that leave a bit of headroom for drums and so on. It's really pathetic that CDs use only about 4dB of their potential 96dB of dynamic range.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:29, 5 replies)
To make a better world
1) Outlaw Facebook, the idea of Facebook, people mentioning Facebook and all the horrendous unimportant garbage contained within.
2) Mandatory attendance to seminars explaining why horses (the best of ALL the animals) are our friends and you should love them.
3) Adopting Crom as the Deity of the nation.
4) Puppies.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:24, 4 replies)
I'd like for people to learn what 'trolling' actually is.
Then we could see some proper trolling.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:18, 14 replies)
I'm glad to have this opportunity to present my manifesto for a brighter future.

- School classes are to be forced to watch eye-wateringly graphic gay porn whilst being shouted at about equal rights by a large hairy man in leather chaps

- We should put a restriction on the top jobs in government, so that they can only be held by Afro-Caribbean disabled lesbians

- Change the benefit system so that it is explicitly set up to reward the least deserving. I'm thinking we could increase payments based on how long you've been out of work, and possibly add special rewards for number of kids - over 5 and you get a £100,000 one off bonus payment.

- Set up a new government department which will use postcode data and records of house sales to calculate the most valuable areas for property in the whole of the country. We're then going to convert each area to an official graffiti tolerance zone, as well as locating a treatment centre for gypsies with AIDS slap bang in the middle.

- Finally, we're going to encourage the European Union to introduce more regulations on foodstuffs. I'm thinking in particular that we should declare that tea is only allowed to be called tea if it's green tea. Black tea is henceforth illegal, unless it's bought directly from the French and labelled 'French Tea', with a great big Tricolore on the packaging.

- And ban conkers in schools.

It'll be chaos, but hopefully Richard Littlejohn's head will explode, and I think that's worth it.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:18, Reply)
There are six billion people on this world and not enough water for everybody, especially in regions hard-hit by drought. If only here was some way of making water easily portable for these people, in ENDLESS QUANTITIES.

And one night I was hit square between the frontal lobes with a concept that will CHANGE THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT. And it is this: HOMEOPATHIC WATER

You take some water. And you dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it, dilute it and shake it until only the memory of the water reamins. Then you put it in a little sugar pill and sell them for a fiver each.

"Ah-ha!" I hear you say, "What - exactly - do you dilute the water in, clever trousers?"

And I reply: "A really big bucket."

So you facepalm and ask again: "What liquid do you use to dilute the water?"

That, I am afraid, is a professional secret to stop the crooks from BIG PHARMA getting their filthy hands on this landmark product.

Think of the potential:

* People with rabies
* People who are planning on getting stuck in a desert
* Firemen who need access to ALL THE WATER IN THE WORLD but only have very, very small fire engines due to fair and progressive Big Society budget cuts
* The National Association of Homeopathic Swimmers
* Homeopathic Holy Water - two useless concepts for the price of one!

This time next year Rodders...
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:17, 5 replies)
Arse Biscuit!
There I was, pissed as a newt, on the last QOTW - happily trolling /talk (waves to Cunt and AB) and then you change the QOTW!

Ah well.

The world might not be a better place (but I suspect it would be) but QOTW definitely improve if some all might Deity struck down anyone who had made more that 1000 posts in /talk.

Common sense, in'it?

"Look Ma - I caught me some Trolls!"

"Throw 'em back boy. You can't eat 'em, you can't talk to them and you you sure as hell can't fuck'em...Throw them back 'chil and hope they grow into something useful....

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:09, 77 replies)
feed the homeless...
to the starving.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:03, 8 replies)
Width restriction
Turnstiles on the doors of fast food outlets. If your wider than that, you can't come in.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:01, 4 replies)
4th ? Holy crap
Well. That's obviously something that's wrong with the world, I shouldn't be here on the first page. I should be relaxing somewhere around page three.

What really grinds my fucking gears though, is people who's main contribution to any discussion is "It'll never work, it's not even worth trying it to find out"

These are the fuckers who are currently doing their apathetic best to keep us using fossil fuels, dickwads who prefer being right than being happy, cretinous monghumpers who'd prefer say "I told you so" than have a flying fucking car.
You, yeah, you know who I'm talking to. Cunts. I hate every one of you.

So, you know what we're going to do with you ? Every one of you cave dwelling throwback homo-neophobus turd lickers who's fear of new things drives your urge to destroy anything you're not already watching on television ?

We're going to paralyse you with "X-Factor" reruns. Then take your children and teach them something about how excellent the universe is. You know, that really big place outside milton kyenes. The Really Huge Bit that doesn't include ButtFuck Iowa.
Then we're going to watch you grow old, wither, and die as those of us who can learn new things fuck off to the stars with big shit eating grins on our shiny new titanium faces.
That's what.

Aaaaaand breathe
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:57, 6 replies)
Getting older.
Seeing the youth of today waste those golden years.

Lady gaga and x factor.

The fact you can't meet Lesbians that look like the one's in porn videos.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:56, 3 replies)
For a start,
I'd get rid of Clarkson...
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:55, 1 reply)
That fact I can't photoshop.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:55, 1 reply)

This question is now closed.

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