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This is a question B3TA fixes the world

Moon Monkey says: Turn into Jeremy Clarkson for a moment, and tell us about the things that are so obviously wrong with the world, and how they should be fixed. Extra points for ludicrous over-simplification, blatant mis-representation, and humourous knob-gags.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:53)
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This question is now closed.

Don't be soft, have a fight
All international disputes should be solved by world leaders having a punch-up. No blades, no biting, no kicking people while they're on the ground, just one-on-one fistycuffs.

Greeks not paying their debts? Smack him Angela!
Spanish fishing in our waters? Not once Our Dave has give Jose a slap
Kashmir conflict? Take it to the pavement, Pratibha and Azif! last man standing can have the place.

The only flaw with this plan is that Putin will soon rule the world.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:57, 8 replies)
Any fee attached to anything needs to be justified.

In other words, scrap 'Fee-fees', whereby 'any company' can just attach a value to something as a 'fee'. 'A company' must be able to prove that it is more than just an excuse to get more money.

i.e. administration fees of 30 quid to send a letter to you about your bank account. This was likely auto-generated to a printer, stuffed into an envelope by a minimum wage employee and sent off. Total cost, about 50p.

Maintenance fees for an apartment. Does it really cost 1K a year to provide electricity for the apartment communal hallway and power the security gates?

If I can't afford to pay a bill, why attach a fuck-off big late fee to it when I am clearly struggling to pay it in the first place?

OK, so that last one may well be a deterrent not to live above my means, but let's keep them realistic eh?
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:56, 2 replies)
I would enforce the rules of speling and grammer
and have anyon shot who disobayed them. Anyon saying languige is fluid to be shot to.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:44, 3 replies)
Simple, effective & never going to happen.
First things first –

Pensions – these were introduced in the welfare state for people who reached age 65. When they were introduced, the average life expectancy was 63. It was introduced to cater for those who were genuinely considered old to help them cope with the cost of living when they were genuinely too old to continue working. 65 nowadays is nothing. Many 65 year olds are healthy, active and more than able to support themselves, however thanks to the modern interpretation of the welfare state they feel entitled to retire age 65 and leave the younger generations to pay for them – unless we have hyper-inflation (at which point they complain that their pension doesn’t cover enough) or an exponentially fast-growing population, it simply cannot be afforded.

Change one – pensionable age to raise, immediately, to 77 and thereafter to stay two years ahead of the average life expectancy.

This leads me on to my second point. That sense of entitlement. I have five kids, therefore I want the government to pay for me and them. No – you have five kids because you knew the government would pay for them. I am unemployed, therefore I want the government to pay for me. No – you are unemployed because you know the government will pay for you (yes – I know that this part may be a slight over-simplification, but you get the idea). I want a sex-change/breast-enhancement/cosmetic surgery, therefore I want the government to pay for me ad infinitum.

Change two – benefits system to be summarily scrapped and replaced with the smallest possible system to support those who genuinely need it.

My biggest issue with the running of the world as it stands is that democracy as we understand it simply does not work. It makes far more sense for those in power to simply give the people what they want – a huge benefits system, lower taxes, low regulation for big business et al. If they keep the population sweet (i.e. if they bribe the populace) then they are more likely to stay in power, therefore keep their grace & favour apartment, huge expense account, payroll for their friends & family etc. Politics is not there to give the people what they want - politicians supposedly the best people to make decisions that the majority of people will not understand (as it's their full-time job to review these decisions to the minutest detail), even if they don't agree with them, for the long-term benefit of the country.

Change three – reset the political system. Limit the possible term in government for any individual to ten years and make it a civic duty. Elect people at the top of each industry to take a sector forward. A nurse who has worked for thirty years in the NHS, implicitly understands what her colleagues need and want? Perfect candidate for a senior role in health. A headmaster who has turned around a flagging school, raised standards and grades across the board? Minister for Education.

Unfortunately, as ever, the people who are in a position to make any changes stand to lose the most if changes are brought in, so fat chance of any of this lot ever happening...
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:23, 5 replies)
If I Were In Charge

I'd make a law requiring all policemen to offer their helmets to women, who've been caught short, to piss in. Not because of any over-riding social need but simply because it would be funny as fuck....

(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:00, 9 replies)
Up to our necks in it.
We were all already there.
In light of all the lefty vs. righty I feel this song redresses the balance. Somehow.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:58, 1 reply)

run your legs
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:57, Reply)
I'm only angry/pissy/screaming/hitting you/crying/demonic because I'm PMSing
Listen, you've had it every month since you were a girl, it is predictable, figure it out already and hand me back the chunk of hair you took from the back of my head!

I would also ban people who start their morning conversation with "I'm having a bad day today." This is used by males and females and can be roughly translated to "I'm going to treat you like you're a piece of manure today and you can't respond in kind, retaliate, or hold it against me."

The rest of us have tough lives too, we've just decided not to make the rest of the world suffer because of it.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 4:24, 12 replies)
This really fucks me off. That is all.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 0:26, 2 replies)
Anybody who proposes laws about being offended should have their dick/tits cut off
Being offended is subjective, you can't make laws about subjective experiences it's just plain stupid. Nothing happens to you if you're offended, unless you're a daily fail reader and you happen to spit your coffee over your croissant simultaneously burning your legs and ruining your breakfast.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 0:00, 17 replies)
I'd preach a message of love and tolerance for all, no matter what their circumstances
After all, we're all pretty much the same under the skin - let's forget these petty hatreds, and join together, yeah?

Oh, and instant, painful euthanasia of the cast of "Made in Chelsea"

That's about it
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 22:53, Reply)
The only people with the right to live in the uk should be immigrants.
At least they've got off their arses and made the effort to come here. Anyone born here should have to leave when they reach 21.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 20:57, 5 replies)
Manifesto for my new Government
Highways -

Firms operating vehicles at least 7.5 tonnes to be given tax breaks if they only use their lorries between 7pm and 7am; thus removing them from the roads when the majority of road users are on it.

All vehicles that are 7.5 tonnes or heavier on the roads between 7am and 7pm will NOT be allowed to overtake on motorways or dual carriageways.

All driving licences to only last 5 years; a retake is required prior to it's expenditure. People retaking within 6 months of their expiry will have their new 5 year licence at the expiry of their current licence.

Compulsory retake of driving test for people hitting 60 years of age regardless of time remaining on licence (see above).

All learner drivers will be required to complete a minimum mandatory number of driving hours prior receiving their licence.

Driving test to include skid pan control, motorway driving and night time driving.

The State -

Prostitution to be legalised; providing prostitutes with legal protection and minimum safety standards and requiring plus also providing the state with tax and national insurance from their income.

Drugs to sold by the state at controlled prices leading to safer drugs for users, getting rid of illegal drug sellers who sell dodgy goods and commit other crimes plus providing further income to the government and reducing expenditure on drug related crimes from users trying to get money together to pay the illegal drug sellers.

Unemployment benefit to be reduced and schemes in place where unemployed people work for local councils doing menial tasks to "earn" extra money.

Single people to pay less tax. Those trying to support themselves paying rent etc on their own should not be paying a higher rate of tax than a married couple.

People who own more than 1 mortgage should have huge tax levied against their property; thus making the idea of using one house as collateral on a second house so the 2nd house can be rented out as untenable. This will lead to more properties available on the market; reducing house prices and meaning those unable to afford house prices currently will be able to own their own properties.

Financial support provided by the state to first time buyers below a certain income to allow them own houses.

I think that'll do for now; I'll be expecting your vote come the next General Election!
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 20:41, 20 replies)
Dogs should rule Planet Earth
We'd all be eating shit, greeting each other by sniffing arses, procreating from the backdoor and marking our territories by piss.

Yes, things would be just the way they are now.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 20:18, 2 replies)
Free Lesbians on prescription.
Just Imagine how much perkier we'd all feel if gorgeous lesbians were available (in matched pairs) on the National Health.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 20:18, 10 replies)
100% inheritance tax
That'd sort it out. Maybe a small exemption for carers, who deserve a modest reward for looking after aged relatives.

Everyone else can work for their money and odious Trex-faced gits like George Osborne would never have been heard of.

There is plenty of money in the country to pay off the national debt and run a decent health service, but it's in the hands of moneyed dynasties who do nothing to deserve it other than having the right parents.

And I write this as someone who probably WILL inherit half a mill.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 20:13, 14 replies)
Ban everyone from Yorkshire from driving
until they can catagorically prove that they are not going to try to run me off the road at every conceivable opportunity.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 19:51, 2 replies)
More immigrants, please
Britain should open its borders to anyone under the age of 25 who is willing to come to this country, work hard and pay their taxes and National Insurance. The more the merrier.

The reason? The UK population is ageing, as the birth rate falls and longevity increases, so there aren't enough people paying into the pensions pot to balance those of us who will shortly need to draw from it. By injecting youth into the workforce, we benefit from their graft.

Obviously, in forty years time, those immigrants would be approaching retirement. Or at least they would if, in the interim, we hadn't steadily raised the statutory pension age to 85.

Such an influx of people could lead to a housing shortage so, to alleviate this and many other problems, any Briton who is proven to be scamming the benefits system will be given the option of a death sentence or £10,000 per person to relinquish their citizenship and move to Iraq to live permanently. Their British homes will be allocated to immigrants.

Anyone showing the commitment of Iraqi refugees and making it back to Britain alive in the back of an HGV, should be allowed to stay in the country provided they agree to the new pension rules.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 19:49, 1 reply)
So, this global helium shortage...
...as reported by 'Bang Goes the Theory' on BBC1.

Why can't they just go up and get the balloons back?
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 19:31, 4 replies)

never get knob gags - I'm probably too small.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 16:53, 1 reply)
Viewers' comments
I like the Beeb and I happen to think it's good value for money. However after pmqs on This Week, like so many other news' items, must we suffer that woman who looks like the wicked witch from the west reading out what Joan in Basildon thought of Milliband's cheeks whilst Nick Robinson who is paid god knows how much to actually analyse this shit for us has to sit there is silence nodding in a patronising isn't this great that we're so connected with our viewers.

Genetically modified boneless fish.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 16:49, Reply)
Scummy Mummies et al
Ladies of a dubious nature ,23 stone swamp donkeys wearing pink velour track suits ala jordan and £3 imitation Ugg boots with earings as big as bike wheels who let their spawn stand in shopping trollies what have they been walkin in previously People put food in them you know? WTF.Enormousley pregnant half wit mouthbreathing LADIES who walk though town with a top that stops way above the bump and show the world with great pride LOOK AT ME I HAVE HAD SEX a great distended blue veined mass complete with stretchmarks and the compulsory bellybutton adornment.Tramp stamps on show ,the fatter the bitch is the smaller the tattoo is Tinkerbell on the base of the spine of a trainee Sumo is not cannot and never will be deemed to be sexy .Pretentious names for their ofspring that is then indelibly stamped on the back of their dirt ingrained neck ,same spawn are destined to a life where they probably will not need a special name as they will most likely end up as a number in the Scrubs . After all this with the names thing Scummy Mummys give the brats special pet names as they talk to them like ----- F#####g dickhead C### You little Bastard which may be cos mummy is a single parent not to sure but as a term of endearment it is dubious to say the least .Poor little mites the first word that they utter is probably Macdonalds .Cafe owners on Facefook whos every meal is chippy ,macdonald , or pizza yet spend hours a day running THE CAFE ,Facefook Farmers who have 20 /30 hours a wekk toiling on the farm and have been signing on for ten years.On the other side off the spectrum but just as bad are sweet looking young things who upon opening their mouths would shock a docker ,using the moby and talking so every one for 20 yards can here one young thing the other day was telling her mate or it may have been her mum who knows? about blowing out the present BF because he would only do her up the wrong un when she really only wantd a good old fashioned shagging,this in the middle of Tesco,s WTF .How to fix this sterilization as standard at 11 like the 11 plus you had to take for people with an IQ of less than say 120 castration for the boys of course ,and by law all supermarket should have a chav beater on the door at all times .
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 16:35, 25 replies)
School timetables
Performing arts and drama to be removed from school curricula and replaced by the separate sciences, foreign languages, etc. that have been squeezed out to make room for them. Mainstream universities to have funding withdrawn for drama and performing arts courses.

If kids want to sing, dance or act, they can do them at after school clubs like they used to, and if they're any good they can still go to drama school, ballet school, etc.

Most current drama departments in schools and universities only exist to give jobs to the university drama and performing arts graduates who are not good enough or lucky enough to make it as a professional actor/dancer/singer/theatre technician/director etc. so if we remove the jobs creating the demand we can remove the training for it too. Dedicated theatre schools are fine, because they've never been state funded to any great degree.

And it might discourage kids from turning into this
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 15:30, 17 replies)
Picky eaters
Should be forced, at gunpoint, to eat an andouillette sausage

I tried one of these last time I was in France.

On the first mouthful, I was all "Wow - this is delicious! It's the most intense pork flavour I've ever come across - yummy!".

On the second slice: "Hmm, this is maybe a little too intense. It tastes a bit like pigs themselves smell. Like that big sweaty boar I saw at the agricultural show as a kid. Still tasty though."

Third slice: "Gosh this is a bit too intense. Like the smell of a pigsty or driving past a pig farm. it tastes like... oh no."

Fourth slice: "don'tthinkgofpigshitdon'tthinkofpigshitdon'tthinkofpigshit"

Fifth slice: "No, this just tastes of pigshit. Nothing I eat after this will be as bad as this is becoming.".

I didn't try a sixth slice, but I did get more than halfway through it. I could tell my waiter was impressed.

I have friends who turn their noses up at celery and parsnips, FFS - get some andouillette down your neck and you'll be snarfing back parsnips with a twinkle in your eye - "at least these don't taste of pigshit - YUM!"
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 15:15, 12 replies)
The trouble with this country is that demographics blah blah Gordon Brown yadda yadda final salary wibble...

Basically, there's no money to pay pensions for anyone because the stock market losses have killed off all the private sector schemes and the defecit is doing it for the public sector ones.

So from now on, it is illegal to take paid employment under the age of 30. Everyone does whatever the hell they like, on account, until they hit 30, and then everyone has to take a job. Once that job is taken, you get no further paid time off work (except weekends and bank holiday, subject to contract) until you drop dead from overwork aged about 77. You can buy time off - £10,000 per day. The more you earn, the more you can take time off, but the more you take time off, the less you can earn. There's no such thing as idle rich any more, and even the very well paid aren't working to get rich, but to pay off the debt they owe for everything they did up to age 30 (including all the childcare, education, food and anything else they did or consumed before then). Parents would no longer pay for their kids upkeep or care, and wouldn't even be legally responsible for doing it (though most would, just because they wanted to, which would tot up as a debt in the child's account just like any other).

You can stay in education as long as you like, you can sit in a chair scratching your bollocks watching TV, you can back pack around the world learning to surf and grow dreadlocks, you can shit out as many kids as you can, but at 30, the fun ends and you have to start paying for it all.

Healthcare is lavish and generous under 30, to make the most of people's lives while they are fully capable of enjoying them. After 30, it's as functional as for a racehorse - you're made fit to work, or put down if that's going to be too expensive.

Oh, and only the productive over-30s have a vote.

It's like a toned-down capitalist version of Logan's Run. Except nobody would have seen Jenny Agutter's baps before she turned 30 (she was a paid actor, which would have been illegal).

No more demographic timebomb, because if lifespans continue to lengthen, your "retirement" still only lasts 30 years and can never get any longer.

That'd be bound to work, wouldn't it?

Oh, OK
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 14:44, 4 replies)
easy, simply install Stephen Fry as PM...
Joanna Lumley as Foreign Secretary

sack all those other leeching cunts

job done

oh and give addicts free uncut drugs. Whatever your personal feelings about drugs - the bottom line is this, people will always take drugs but in doing this you instantly remove the profits from the hands of criminals, your home and car insurance premiums will drop through the floor. the massive drop in crime rates will free up billions in taxes for schools and hospitals, as will the money we spunk on legal aid and courts. funding for prisons (£100K+ per inmate PA minimum) will be a fraction of the pre-Spimf™ initiatives and will easily cover any costs surrounding the Spimf™ 'Free drugs if you want them mate' clinics.

Access to better education and health will provide escape from the poverty/drug/sink estate spiral. people will feel they have some hope so will be far less inclined to turn to drugs to blot out their now not-so-miserable lives. Therefore drug use will actually decrease as a result of making them free and readily available.

Now, there will inevitably be an army of Daily Fail readers out there asking why we should fund drug habits, well thats simple, if we end up funding the few remaining losers who want to loll around wacked off their tits all day - fine, at least they won't be nicking your car or stabbing your granny so have an e and lighten the fuck up.

choose life, choose free state funded drugs
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 14:18, 26 replies)
There should definitely be a standard mobile 'phone charger
Preferably laptops too.

Indeed, all mobile electronic devices.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 14:11, 13 replies)
I just wish everyone would calm the fuck down.
If I had to make one Daily Mail style sweeping deportation, it would be of extremists of each and every flavour. They can all fuck right off and have it out with each other somewhere else.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 13:58, 1 reply)
In a digital TV world
No sports should appear on the main terrestrial channels.
No world cup/olympics/golf/snooker/rugby/F1 on BBC1,2,ITV,Channel4,who gives a fuck about 5.

Seriously though, if a match, athletics event, anything over-runs, my PVR isn't smart enough to know that my show has been delayed and I end up missing the whole show.

They can set up their own sports channels or have one interactive sports channel where you can press the red button and piss off and watch your boring bloody sport elsewhere.

Also this goes for question of sport, match of the day and that one with the fat one off gavin and stacey.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 13:50, Reply)
More women should wear less bras.
I said this once while drunk and it still makes as much sense now as it did then.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 13:18, 10 replies)

This question is now closed.

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