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This is a question B3TA fixes the world

Moon Monkey says: Turn into Jeremy Clarkson for a moment, and tell us about the things that are so obviously wrong with the world, and how they should be fixed. Extra points for ludicrous over-simplification, blatant mis-representation, and humourous knob-gags.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:53)
Pages: Latest, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, ... 1

This question is now closed.

Bed Sheets that stay on!
Nowt worse than waking up, wrapped in the bottom sheet cause it's pinged off the corner in the night and is now a crumpled, uncomfortable mound in the middle of the bed - Mattress toppers should me made of softer material as well, incase the first fix fails.

(, Thu 29 Sep 2011, 9:59, 8 replies)
People saying 'cut and paste', when they mean
'copy and paste'.

I remember when all this was fields.
(, Thu 29 Sep 2011, 9:41, 3 replies)
Got a grievance? You've got 30 days.
Publish your grievance, name your group/individual/institution and have at it. You have 30 days to track down and hurt/kill/destroy/annoy everyone and everything on your shit list - and they in turn have the right to respond with reciprocal or greater force to counter your assault. At the end of the 30 day window, all survivors consider the balance sheet wiped clean and continue on with their new grievance-free lives. For maximum effect, have everyone worldwide participate simultaneously in this apocalyptic exercise in mass culling. Yes, I know the sf short story based around this concept is well into its 6th decade.

"If you break into this car, it will explode."

Post prominently in all side windows using high contrast signs to warn the general populace, wire the car for sound, then wait for perps too stupid to believe what they read to remove themselves from society. This can also be applied to sheds and outbuildings.

For air travel in the USA, dissolve the TSA and DHS. Destroy the No Fly List and replace it with the No Hire List. Fill this new list with the names and SSNs of all current and former TSA and DHS employees. They've enjoyed making life miserable for everyone for close to a decade now: it is past time to return the favor.

For all domestic flights, adult passengers must truthfully answer the question "are you carrying any firearms aboard this flight?" and if unarmed they must provide a damn good answer explaining why they are not. All standard rounds will be confiscated and complimentary frangible rounds in all popular calibers will be provided for the duration of the flight. If a hijacking attempt is made, the first person to kill the hijacker will be rewarded with a full refund of her or his travel costs for that flight.

Unreasonably paranoid and prejudiced airline passengers, flight attendants and counter workers are causing flights to delay/detour/cancel for no good reason with great inconvenience and added expense shared by everyone aboard the aircraft. If a person decides to make her or his suspicions regarding a passenger known and action is taken upon those suspicions, that person shall be held liable for the remuneration of all associated costs for the affected flight, plus a substantial sum (let's start at a thousand) for each passenger aboard the craft to compensate for their inconvenience if it is found the flight diversion was made in error. The objective standard for an erroneous diversion will be determined upon landing: if the aircraft landed safely, the diversion was erroneous and penalties will be assessed.
(, Thu 29 Sep 2011, 3:30, 12 replies)
I Have A Cure For Paedophelia!
No more sexy babies!
(, Thu 29 Sep 2011, 3:22, 4 replies)
"Community" Service
Prison is expensive. "Community" service is unpopular with the general public. True fact. We have about 400 years worth of coal stuck under ground in the UK since Thatcher decided mining was uncool and coal was uneconomical to dig out. Solution. Prisoners should be made to go underground and dig coal for free until their debt to society is repaid. We all get lots of lovely low cost electricity. Wrong 'uns getting a punishment that they are truly scared of - hard manual labour, no more day time telly and wanking.
(, Thu 29 Sep 2011, 1:08, 4 replies)
Traffic lights
cause traffic. Specifically they introduce order into chaos. This is not good. Chaotic travel is good, and efficient overall. What are the junctions like where you are when the power goes out? Bet you dont have as much traffic. No one believes me but I'll run for Queen on this issue one day. Or something.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 23:59, 3 replies)
How to sort the bloody railways out...
My plan for the trains.
1) Split the rail operators into companies that own rolling stock and those that operate the trains and provide services. The latter would rent trains from the former to provide those services. For companies that wish to do both, enact legislation to prevent them from favouring themselves (similar to how the energy-supply market is structured).
2) Issue the licenses to operate a given route on a short timescale (e.g. 2 years).
3) At the midway point (1 year) into the license, commuters elect a board. Eligibility for both standing and voting is determined by having held season tickets for the route covering 10 of the previous 12 months. Board positions are not paid.
4) The rail operators then tender bids for the upcoming license. These detail how much they'll charge, what rolling stock they'll use, what the timetable will be, what penalties will apply for delays and cancellations, etc.
5) The board then decides which operator should be granted the license for the route.

Competition only works if it is ongoing. The commuting public needs a way of awarding rail licenses to the companies that best meet their needs, rather than companies sitting on a 15 year cash-cow franchise.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 22:35, 5 replies)
IQ tests before being allowed to post on B3ta.
Nothing too strenuous, just enough to prove you would be able to beat a rabbit in a battle of wills.

It doesn't even have to be a wily adult rabbit. A three day old one would do.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 21:43, 7 replies)
Modern movies suck.
To remedy this situation, implement these 3 rules:

1) Forbid all remakes.
2) Forbid all sequels.
3) Take away Hollywood's computers.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 20:14, 23 replies)
An end to war
Everyone should be made to read this:


All wars/arguments/awkward situations could then instantly be defused by a simple reference to "the story" and we could all then watch the antagonists descend into fits of giggles.

Or perhaps it's just me that this story affects in this way.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 17:26, 3 replies)
I think sheep
should be in different colours, and also some should be tartan.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 17:16, 1 reply)
Make a TV programme called
"Let's Hunt and Kill Jeremy Kyle"

(A blatant rip-off of Bill Hicks' "Let's Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus" but this is the UK version of the show.)
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 16:17, 3 replies)
Make fireworks dangerous again.
Over the years there’s been lots of rule changes to make fireworks safer and safer.

Fuck that. If the kids in my street are going to keep me awake for most of October and November, I at least want the satisfaction of knowing that some of the little scrotes have blown their fingers off, or at least lost an eye.

(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 15:48, 9 replies)
Stop democracy now.
And none of that poncy "ooh, it's the worst system apart from all the others" bollocks neither - it's a shit excuse.

I don't know how anyone who has read comments on the internet could honestly think that all these wilfully ignorant, self-serving, prejudiced, skeptical, entitled plebs should be allowed the vote.

I mean, there's no restrictions on even the most demonstrably stupid - even the thickest person in the country is allowed to determine the fate of the whole planet.

Successful political parties pander to people's prejudices, ignorance, vanity and shallowness, and frankly, the bastards have a lot less qualms about gaming the system than the idealists.

Everyone knows what the proper alternative is: in Star Trek, the advanced civilisations were always led by a group of bearded wise men who usually communicated telepathically. This is definitely the answer.

PS. Off the top of my head, some candidates for bearded wise men: Daniel Dennett, Alan Moore, David Attenborough (would need to grow beard), Rowan Williams (I quite like him), Neil de Grasse Tyson (moustache counts), erm... Seasick Steve?
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 15:16, 24 replies)
No welfare for single mothers
Since as prostitution is legal (where I live)there is no excuse for anyone with a functional vagina not to have a job. So if there's no reason they can't work, they won't be needing the benefits. Simple.
Also, I have seen some dead ugly looking prostitutes, so don't even try that excuse.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 15:10, 6 replies)
Traffic Wardens
One fine milky midsummer Middlesex afternoon I was relaxing in my local boozer with a few mates, Adrian, Rutger, Ronald and John (names changed to protect the guilty). We were well on our way into a full on session, many pints of our local's finest ale having been sipped, others quaffed, and perhaps inevitably talk turned to the many wrongs of the world.

Adrian was busy explaining how to fix the Greek economy, the boring prick, when all of a sudden John, who'd gone quiet and a touch cross-eyed, piped up.

"Fucking traffic wardens, man!" he belched.

"What?" we cried.

"Those bastards, always going after the little guy... someone needs to sort them the fuck out," he slurred. "Just the other day I got papered for some trumped up NOTHING by some fucker jobsworth warden CUNT! That was not a righteous bust!"

"Fuck's sake John, leave it at home won't you?" I said. "You're not in one of those awful American crime dramas you great prat."

We took turns insulting John, but he wasn't going to be swayed from his view that all traffic wardens were basically bastards and the world would be better off without them. Unfortunately, what with all of the aforementioned finest ale, we all let ourselves get rather caught up in his fervour.

It was at this point that John chose to drop the bombshell, the flattening word-explosive that was to lead to what happened next. John informed us that the very road that this very pub was on just happened to be on that very same traffic warden's beat!

We were on our feet in seconds.

"Let's get him!" Roared Ronald.

I wish I could say that all that happened next was that a few blokes staggered around yelling for a bit before getting bored and going home to drink own-brand vodka and bet on who would win Ready Steady Cook.

I wish I could. But I can't. Because, by some horrendous caprice of fate, the warden, the man himself, was right outside the pub. And not only that, but he was ticketing my beloved Honda.

I stared, incredulous. Adrian slurred something about justice. I began to feel a building rage, the pent up anger of so many years of being shat on from up on high, of turning the other cheek, suffering all of those humiliating defeats. The hot, burning fury started somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach and began to bubble up, slowly but inexorably, coalescing into my newfound righteous justice.

"Now look here you bastard! I know my rights! I will not HAUUUUURRRRRRGHHHHHHHH!" I bellowed.

As it turned out, it wasn't hot, burning fury bubbling up, but hot, burning sick. Lots and lots of sick. Apparently all those pints of finest ale hadn't sat too happily with my new-found desire for vigilante justice. It went everywhere. All over the warden, all over me, all over my beloved Honda. Some even splashed Ronald's knees.

"You fucking animal," said the warden.

"Huruhgheghhghuuuuuurrh..." I muttered from my new position, which was prone in my own slowly expanding sea of stomach soup.

The warden, in a mighty foul mood, fucked off to clean up. Sensing the tone of the day had changed somewhat, my mates picked me up and took me to be hosed off.

But on the way, John got nicked by the cops for having half a kilo of heroin up his backside. I reckon the 10 years he got for that definitely made the world a slightly better place.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 14:48, 11 replies)
If trials are going to be televised
then make them like this:

(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 13:45, Reply)
All public toilets
Are to be fitted out with disability access kit.

You just can't achieve maximum thrust when shagging slappers in a normal cubicle with no grab-handles.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 13:31, 5 replies)
On a (non)religious theme.....Militant Athiests
You know who you are. I see you marching proudly round the world and even B3TA, chest all puffed up, smug, self satisfied look on your face. All those scientific facts, all those Dawkins books on your shelves and you just can't help yourself can you. Far worse than those Jehovah types. At least I can hide behind the sofa when they knock but not you. Oh no. You are the enemy within....the friend or aquaintence ready to pounce and go on ad neuseum about all the "stupid" people, those billions who cling to outmoded faith, why can't they see the truth.

To be really honest I don't care. I just want to get on with my life and try my best to be happy and make others happy. I don't care what you believe as long as you don't keep trying to force your views down my throat or try to blow me up or try to get me to read something I don't want to, whether thats the latest WatchTower or the latest bandwagon book about how the fossil record proves it all.

So here's the deal. Unless I SPECIFICALLY ask you to explain your beliefs (or non-beliefs) you will keep your topics of conversation to sex, sport, people we both know, family and maybe, just maybe politics. As long as you don't ask me to read Mein Kampf or anything by Marx.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 13:22, 41 replies)
In a galaxy far far away
the inhabitants live virtually forever and have perfect memories.

Amazingly, this has its disadvantages. Everyone knows every joke that has ever been invented in that galaxy, and since the civilisation is very old, new jokes are now very scarce. So these poor aliens have been short of a laugh for centuries.

Since well before the incident at Roswell, New Mexico, the inhabitants of this galaxy have been scouting this planet. After decades of investigations, which of course are nothing to them, they made a decision and began to implant selected people about 20 years ago.

Beginning on the International Date Line at midnight on 20 December 2012, a specially tuned matter transference beam will begin to pick up implanted humans for instantaneous translation to the far galaxy. They will not feel a thing. Among those selected are fundamentalist Christians and Muslims, believers in the Bermuda triangle, Neo-Nazis, soccer fans, those who hold that the Moon landings were a hoax, Scientologists, 9/11 truthers, management consultants, astrologers, skinheads, Wiccans, heavy metal freaks and sundry other cultists. This of course is the prophesied "Rapture".

The destination will be a rather comfortable human-compatible planet in an isolated part of the far galaxy. Every room and street, field and forest of this planet is fitted up with holographic cameras and ultra fidelity microphones.

The lives of these humans will be transmitted instantaneously around this galaxy far, far away and the poor old aliens will finally have something to laugh at.

Looks like a win - win situation to me.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 13:19, 1 reply)
why do dogs get the rolls royce of bums that nicely snip off the offending poo leaving not a trace of poop, yet we have to chase the stuff half way round ya back (slight exaggeration, slight), i don't have a way of fixing this however and am open for suggestions.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 13:16, 10 replies)
Using foreign to describe parts of your meal to be banned.
It's not a Croque Monsieur it's cheese and ham on toast.

It's not a Welsh Rarebit for that matter, either.

It's not a jus, its juice. AND IT CERTAINLY ISN'T A FUCKING "REDDUCK-SEE-ORRRRNN" YOU MORON, it's a reduction - "red-uck-shun".

I will accept croissants, onion bhajis, and Chicken Chow Mein.

In all other cases, you're a pretentious fool, and will be shot.

*awaits charges of racism, levelling of English being a mongrel language, &c*
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:52, 14 replies)
radio 1
Anyone over the age of 35 who thinks that the utter pish that passes for music/entertainment/witty banter that excretes from your wireless when tuned to this balls should be whipped with a C90 until they switch over. Not to radio 2, thats arse crisps too, radio 6 will do nicely. Chars
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:51, 4 replies)
forearm tattoos
Footballers who set examples to fuckwitted ingrates who have forearm tattoos should be sent to concentration camps where the practice was refined. The knuckledragging sheep will follow them and for a drop of cyclon B and 'hey-presto' society improves. (to be clear, im not a fasist, they will have an open door, equal opportunity death camp. Possibly with a hi-de-hi feel)
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:46, 11 replies)
In multiple floor cinemas, anyone who stands still as they are going down should fired from a cannon into a brick wall. Its fucking downhill, you lazy fat bastards! Some of us have trains to catch. Going up, thats fine. In fact just ditch the down escalators and make em stairs. The elderly and unable can wait for a lift and everyone else would have to actually use their legs. Pricks. Also, dowt take up the whole stair cos youve got your fat arm round your rats burd. I have no intention of taking her away from you. Her grid is rats!
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:32, 8 replies)

Judging by some of the posts in this QOTW, b3ta could make an excellent start on fixing the world by removing a fairly large quantity of b3tans from it.

E.g. "light brown bottom feeders", see somewhere below.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:20, 12 replies)
People to stop referring to 9/11 as "the worst terrorist attack in history"
when quite frankly that's a blatant lie. The point of terrorism is to terrorise and emotionally destroy the targets. As far as achieving the objective goes, these boys did their homework. If Family Fortunes asked 100 people to name a terrorist attack then you'd have to think 9/11 would be the top answer.

Henceforth, it should be called "the best terrorist attack in history."
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:11, 3 replies)
Robert Heinlein may have been batshit mental and somewhere to the right of Oswald Moseley, but he had at least one good idea:
"New laws can only be added if at least two others are removed first."
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:48, 10 replies)
Able-bodied people who park in disabled spaces
should be kneecapped. If they want the benefits of a disability, it's only fair that they get a disability as well.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:14, 4 replies)

This question is now closed.

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