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This is a question B3TA fixes the world

Moon Monkey says: Turn into Jeremy Clarkson for a moment, and tell us about the things that are so obviously wrong with the world, and how they should be fixed. Extra points for ludicrous over-simplification, blatant mis-representation, and humourous knob-gags.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:53)
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This question is now closed.

I should rule the world
As I've done a bang on job when playing the Civilisation games over the years, much happiness and space rockets to Alpha Centauri will closely follow my rise in elevation to Lord Emperor of All He Surveys.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 12:39, Reply)

Ban anyone (especially people in sports/reality TV,any sort of competition) from saying they plan on giving 110%.

It is physically impossible to give more than 100%, so cut it the fuck out.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 12:32, 11 replies)
The answer is simple really...
The state should become ludicrously, unbearably totalitarian and commit all its resources to eliminating anyone who causes people with my political opinions and social skills any passing irritation.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 12:28, 3 replies)
Unemployeds, forrins, children, national service, prisons, death penalty, cyclists...
What a tedious load of wank. My suggestion to improve the world? Leave this question open, in perpetuity, just to give you cunts somewhere to vent your frustrations. With a bit of luck, all this impotent rage will push up everyone's blood pressure, and a brief bout of strokes/heart attacks will sweep the country, ridding us of you all.

Failing that, b3ta will become a recruiting ground for the Daily Mail, UKIP, or the EDL - is that what you want?
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 12:28, 1 reply)
I can't fucking stand intolerant people.
They should all be given paper cuts on the eyeballs.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 12:18, Reply)
More kittens that are sleeping
or looking quizzical.

A message from Britons For Kittens.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 12:11, 4 replies)
Where is my fucking hoverboard?!!
All scientific research to be immediately halted. All scientists looking for the cure to cancer, AIDS, the common cold, the search for the higgs boson particle etc to be put to better use to develop the hoverboard. With all that resource and manpower behind the project I would estimate they would have cracked the problem in weeks. Then and only then, can they go back to their old jobs.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 11:58, 5 replies)
So many things, so little time.
1. Create 'zones of tolerance' on industrial estates, allowing car cruising and prostitution to take place in these areas.

2. Fence in all industrial estates to keep the pervs and the boy racers locked in.

3. Ban the response "I'm good," when people are asked how they are. The correct response is, "I'm well." Anyone using "I'm good" is to be immediately coated in goose fat and set alight.

4. As an incentive to improve driving skills, anyone who passes the IAM advanced driving test should be permitted to fit missile systems to their cars and allowed to fire them at anyone tailgating, not indicating, using fog lights when unnecessary, using the phone while driving, hogging the middle lane on motorways or generally driving like a twat.

5. Any 'travellers' flouting planning laws should be allowed to stay on their site, but should expect for a 10-foot wall to be erected around the perimeter (without planning permission).

6. Unlicensed scrap metal collectors who trawl neighbourhoods first thing on a Sunday morning, shouting "Rag, Bone" through a megaphone should be force-fed rags and bones and impaled on a redundant metal line prop. Preferably sharpened.

7. Anyone wearing Burberry (fake or real) should be forced to learn live-grenade juggling. The simultaneous wearing of tracksuit trousers tucked into socks will result in the grenade pins all being removed.

8. Jeremy Kyle to wear only fake Burberry and tracksuit bottoms tucked into his socks.

9. Rupert Murdoch, Piers Morgan, Jeremy Kyle, Jeremy Clarkson and Paul Dacre to all change their surnames by deed poll to "Cunt". To distinguish between the two Jeremys, they will be allowed double-barrelled surnames: Jeremy Patronising-Cunt and Jeremy Pubeheaded-Cunt.

10. Kelly Brook to be available on the NHS.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 11:40, 10 replies)
I'd ban the Welsh.
Grumpy fuckers.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 11:33, 7 replies)
Ban leggings
This should have been done after the last time these vile things were in fashion. Why have they been allowed to come back?

And while I'm at it, hipster jeans/trousers can go as well. A woman's figure is part caused by bone position and part by fat. Stick a tight waistband on the hips and some of that fat goes up, and some of it down resulting in an unsightly ring of flab above the waist band that usually winds up on public display due to a top which is way too short.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 11:31, 5 replies)
Fixing housing
All new-build housing to be on brownfield sites, with a minimum of 1500 square metres of garden (about 1/3 of an acre). All housing estates must have at least three different designs of house, with no more than two houses of the same design adjacent to each other.

That'll stop these bloody ugly £250k rabbit hutches cropping up all over the green belt, built so close together you can barely get the bins out.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 11:30, 9 replies)
You will be able to ring local police stations to report 999 incidents instead of a national desk number.

The police will turn up to ALL crimes and victims (by turn up i mean actually visit the people reporting the crime and go to the crime in progress.
I myself have had three occasions this hasnt happened i imagine im not alone)

Areas will have local bobbies (like they used to) who will walk a beat in that area.
If the area is considerd too dangerous to walk a beat in then they are not doing their job right.

Police will no longer be given high end BMW's,Mercedes,Jaguars
to drive. Luxury cars are for people who have worked hard to achieve luxury items not public servant perks obtained using police budgets or bungs.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 11:27, 6 replies)
People who copy/paste those ridiculous statuses on FB.
"Facebook will start charging..."
"Don't add this group as OMG PEADOS!"

Honestly. They should be made to chew drawing pins after having their teeth smacked out with their own keyboards.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 11:22, 5 replies)
Road safety
All cars to have air bags removed and replaced with frag grenades. On any impact, driver (and any the occupants) will be killed instantly. Also tied into traffics lights, drive through on red - die.

Motorcycles to have a spike driven by an explosive charge beneath the seat, similar reason to the above. Although, in all honesty, the street furniture tends to take the bikers out already.

Red lights to have chain-guns and an AI. If any lycra-lout cycles through on red they are simply erased.

All pedestrians have to wear a crash helmet with an explosive charge. Failure to cross at a designated crossing when one is within 100m; insta-death.

Schools to be patrolled by armed guards. Should any parent their little darlings off right at the gate (rather than finding a safe place to park and walking a measly 500m or so) then they are to be dragged out of the car, nailed to the school wall can have their bowels cut open. Their lingering and painful death will act as a deterrent to others.

My prediction is that for the first year or so our toll of road deaths will spike to 10million or so. After that our roads will be totally safe and we will have solved the UK housing shortages, over-population and lowered our carbon foot-print.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 11:14, 8 replies)
Blister packs
Plastic packaging you have to destroy while avoiding life-threatening lacerations just to get the product out should be made illegal.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 11:12, 3 replies)
parking Will be free from this day onwards

Tv's in hospitals will revert to non pay as you go (old fashioned turn it on and watch it versions) and be free to watch again.
Instead of being cash creators as they currently are for non NHS related companies*

You will be able to ring your sick relative and speak to them
using phones provided next to each bed*

*companies would receive tax breaks for contributing their phone and TV products to hospitals.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 11:06, 3 replies)
who switch off their power backups BEFORE properly shutting down their PCs due to the onset of a blackout should be launched into space without space-suits!!

Oh...and for fucksake please stop invading other peoples' lands you cunts!!
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 11:05, Reply)
Return of the Death Penalty - Evil
Remove all humans rights & bring back the death penalty for anyone who is convicted without a shadow of a doubt for a severely horrific/disgusting crime - murder, rape, paedophilia, etc.

However instead of the state being the executioner, make the inmates fight each other, either with their bare fists, melee weapons (gladitorial style combat) or in a demolition derby(a la death race), where fatally wounded combatants are left to bleed out, and minor wounds get basic triage - victorian era healthcare.

The fights would be shown on a live and uncensored pay per view webcast with 50%+ of the profits being given to the victims or their families. The rest would be used to cover the expenses the convicts incur whilst staying in a cell.

The criminals would be required to fight a minimum once per month for ten years before have their sentence down graded to life without parole, with a diet consisting solely of supermarket white label foods. The penalty could be applied retrospectively to all criminals in the UK convicted since 1975, as pensioners are less likely to provide good entertainment.

This would reduce the prison population and hopefully discourage all bar the most idiotic members of society from committing severe crimes.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 11:03, 5 replies)
I've had a re-think
School starting age raised to 28.

If somebody jumps in your car while you’re stopped at a junction you are legally obliged to take them home. (Sorry I can’t come to work today I’ve got to take my new friend to Inverness)

There’s a Total Wipe-out style assault course at every UK border entry, you manage to cross the giant red balls –you’re in!

Only people who Make, Teach or Mend earn a wage. Everyone else lives off a generous state subsidy.

Replace car horns with a laughing gas button.

Welsh people have to attend laughter therapy courses once a month.

Bombing from the top board is perfectly OK.

I’d like to see the UK specialise in Giant Catapult technology.

I believe that children are the future, so should you.

Switch off the Internet.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 10:53, 1 reply)
should be encouraged - oh, all right: forced - to go and live in Mogadishu for a year. This way, they'll demonstrate their commitment to the virtues of a small government with minimal regulation.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 10:35, 1 reply)
50ft floodlit letters, Parliament square.
"The fact of something being popular does not make it good, accurate or worthwhile"

Similar signs in Wapping and whichever hellmouth the Daily Mail is written in.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 10:32, 6 replies)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/fixtheworld/post1366980, redux.
Children should be banned from the quiet coach of trains because they aren't.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 9:55, Reply)
Oh, where to begin.
We'll begin in Britain.

National service to be re-instated for all immigrants yet to find employment and the unemployed. Not working?, then get off your arse and graffiti clean, litter pick, maintain hedges, do something. All unemployed/immigrants to have a top-up for their benefits. Scrotes work unpaid. note, this is service to the nation, not how to fire a gun.

Total separation of all religions from the state and education. You can worship/believe in what you want, but do it in your own time and at your own expense.

British troops back home. The money saved by not having them fighting in far off lands can go to equipping them properly. Those injured in the line of battle to be properly looked after, not hidden away.

Driving tests to made more realistic. Candidates must pass skid pan test, night time test and motorway test before being granted a full licence. Compulsory annual eyesight checks for all drivers.

Compulsory insurance for cyclists.

Reintroduction of cycling proficiency test and mandatory highway code test. Teaching of systems thinking in schools. Teaching of I.T skills, not just application use.

Mandatory open tender for all gubmint contracts with cost transparency. Move toward open systems with all costs justified.

Re-introduce the death penalty.

Legalise all drugs, but penalise those who steal to fund their habit or smuggle drugs in to the country. Grow/make it yourself?, fine. Sell to kiddies and you get shot in the head.

Trade in this country?, pay tax in this country.

Lower fuel duty rates and encourage more rail freight. Increase import duty on food flown in. Increase the cost of air traffic.

Restoration of the 11+

Cause neither harm nor deprivation to another through either action or inaction.


More social housing to be built. Pensioners to get a liveable pension.

Use waste heat from power stations and factories to provide free community heating projects. Works elsewhere, why not here?

Re-open the collieries and steel works and subsidise them to ensure our skills are not lost.

More allotments and all men over 40 to get a free shed.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 9:46, 14 replies)
A new phenomenon is sweeping the country, or at least it's new to me.
I presume it's spawned by the X-Factor and similar: that of roving gangs of teenage children, singing loudly, and very, very badly, thinking they're singing in harmony.

These children to be wrapped in mattresses, and beaten with a lead pipe.

For fuck's sake. Just when I thought getting on the train playing your music on your idiot mobile 'phone was bad enough, and the act of having one's headphones hanging around one's neck with the volume turned right up to hear them was bad enough ...
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 9:33, 3 replies)
All clocks to be turned back by six hours.

Thusly, the day will start at 0.00hrs (or 06.00hrs in today's time), midday is at 6.00, the 'day' ends and 'night' starts at 12.00hrs (old 18.00hrs), midnight will be at 18.00hrs (old 12.00) and as the old day draws to it's end just before morning, it will be 23.59hrs etc.

Can't think why this hasn't been done ages ago.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 9:09, 3 replies)
Talking about your children at work
Strict limitations should be imposed on the length of time a person can talk about their kids in the workplace. A maximum of 2 minutes per day should be permitted. Yes I’m sure you’re thrilled about your son’s/daughter’s first words/steps/day at school/football match/asbo but please spare me the details because it bores me to fucking tears.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 8:58, 4 replies)
Any mention of Christmas on the media or in shops before November 1st should be out-lawed (and that's being generous).

Anyone covering their house in garish lightshows for Christmas should be wired into their own display.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 8:57, 6 replies)
Children should be banned from the quiet coach of trains
because they aren't.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 8:29, 7 replies)
People who chew with their mouth open, or slurp food/drink
Will be shot out of a cannon directly into the sun.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 5:28, 6 replies)
Has anyone said close b3ta yet?
Probably, but I didn't bother looking. Part of the problem, you see.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 4:32, 3 replies)

This question is now closed.

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