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This is a question B3TA fixes the world

Moon Monkey says: Turn into Jeremy Clarkson for a moment, and tell us about the things that are so obviously wrong with the world, and how they should be fixed. Extra points for ludicrous over-simplification, blatant mis-representation, and humourous knob-gags.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:53)
Pages: Latest, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, ... 1

This question is now closed.

People (like myself) who don't make clear what my point is when posting in the QOTW
and should be sent off to deepest, darkest Tibet as punishment.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 10:42, 7 replies)
Connect The National Grid To Gym Equipment

And watch those fuckers fry.....

(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 10:38, 8 replies)
Connect all gym equipment to the National Grid.

(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 10:08, 14 replies)
Ban fag breaks
No, I don't smoke. I don't have anything directly against smoking (although walking through a great cloud of smoke to get into the office isn't nice.)

I'd ban those indeterminate fag breaks smokers seem to get as part of being a smoker in addition to statutory breaks. If I were to sit and look at Facebook, write some diatribe on a QOTW site or even just stood outside and messed about with my phone then I'd be accused of wasting time and called lazy.

Just to re-iterate the point, it's the extra fag break time, not the act of smoking I'm against.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 10:05, 11 replies)
Dear People Of China,
1. You will stop smoking in hospitals.

2. You will let people get off subways, elevators and escalators before trying to get on.

3. You will stop pointing and laughing at foreigners. You will stop asking them to perform folk dances for you: they are not dancing bears. You will stop being amazed that they can speak Chinese, and stop presenting them on TV like the aforementioned dancing bears.

4. You will stop drinking green tea and whisky, and stop drinking red wine and sprite. These are crimes against alcohol.

5. You will stop eating durian. It's not nice for everyone else.

6. You will stop wearing glasses without lenses.

7. You will stop feather-blowing your hair (men) or dying it blonde (women).

8. You will stop dredging up phlegm in the morning; you will stop picking your nose in public, you will flush the fucking toilet, and you will stop pissing on the floor.

9. You will stop assuming that all foreigners are rich.

10. You will stop assuming that all foreigners are porn obsessed sex monsters.

11. You will no longer be impressed that foreigners can use chopsticks.

12. You will not believe that the apex of western culture is Backstreet Boys, Mariah Carey and Avril Lavigne.

13. You will become familiar with cheese - not cheese slices, not Dairylea, but cheese. Cheese is good.

14. You will stop charging 20 quid for a bog standard Cabernet Sauvignon.

15. You will unblock Facebook, Youtube, Flickr, Twitter, Blogger, IMDB, Allmusic.com and GooglePlus.

16. You will stop pretending that things which inconvenience your world-view don't exist.

17. You will share information, on time, prior to situations becoming critical.

18. You will stop playing songs with baby voices in the supermarket, and pan-pipes versions of The Carpenters. These are crimes against the ear.

19. You will act in an orderly fashion in the subway. Really. This is not too much to ask. If a train is full, there will be another one in a few minutes.

20. Bars may no longer charge 5 quid for a pint of Guinness, or any draft beer for that matter.

That is all.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 10:04, 13 replies)
Turd busters
Public or communal toilets to be fitted with a Karcher pressure washer , a remotely locking door and a turd/skid mark detector. Once a turd is detected the door will not unlock until it is completely flushed away. If residual skid marks remain then the water in the s-bend should be automatically drained off to allow pressure washing of the offending stain. The door will not unlock until you have cleaned up the proceeds of your defacation and if the turd or skid mark isn't eliminated in 60 seconds then the bog turns into a 'Dyson' style cyclone vortex which will cover you in your own crap.

It's no nice going to a bog and finding a shitty skid or even worse, a bran-soaked gigantic floater waiting for you so I propose this enforced social responsibillity to make public or common bogs a more pleasant place for everyone.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:52, 2 replies)
Here's a refined argument from a couple of previous ones:

1. 'Small is beautiful'. Abandon the relentless pursuit of growth in favour of a sustainable society, refuse to increase any budgets, insist they figure out how to do things better with the same money. In future years, we'll actually cut all budgets and thus eventually reduce the budget deficit. The easiest way to reduce cost is to stop making errors so that they need to be fixed, stop costly reorganisations and upgrades.

2. Replace alcohol with cannabis. You will be allowed to brew your own alcohol at home for your own consumption, i.e. beer, cider etc. as long as you don't become a dealer, selling it to kids outside schools. Pubs will become coffee shops which can only stay open until 11.00pm, at which time everyone will wander off home to bed, stopping only for a tasty kebab and not puking and fighting all over our town centres to be cleared up by the police/ambulance/hospital/street cleaners.

3. Christmas. Christmas / New Year will last for two weeks, from December 20th to January 2nd. It will be illegal for shops to display Christmas goods before the beginning of December. It will be illegal for anyone to put up Christmas decorations before December 20th - houses, town centres, shops etc. This will also help with point 1. - sustainability, as people will spend much less on rubbishy tat, so they will not be skint all January/February and they'll also enjoy Christmas more.

4. Compensation culture. Get rid of all No-win-no-fee lawyers and all the rest of the poor-me-I-tripped-over-my-own-child-so-someone-else-has-to-pay-me-something shit. Just teach everyone to MAN THE FUCK UP and get on with their lives. Did you know there are more claims for 'whiplash' in the UK than the rest of Europe put together?? And we're better drivers than most as well. We're all paying for this, make it end.

5. Immigration / Emigration. For anyone that says: 'These [insert race here] come over here, taking our jobs...' make them work alongside one of these enterprising immigrants picking spuds or manning a care centre for the elderly. If they can't hack it for whatever reason, then they should be forcefully emigrated to Poland/Somalia/Iraq or wherever to replace the useful immigrant they're moaning about.

6. Internet/mobiles. You lot won't like this, but every Wednesday, the internet and mobile phone networks will be shut down for a rest - all day. You will still be able to phone people on land lines etc. but it will give everyone a breathing space in the middle of the week to catch up with stuff without being interrupted every other minute by emails, texts and calls to your mobile.

7. Politicians. I heard something the other day. The country in Europe with the best level of growth over the past year has been Belgium....they haven't had a government for a year now. Now, while I don't believe in growth, it's obvious that things get done perfectly well without politicians. Just leave it to the civil servants - they are the experts. Bring in annual bonuses for the civil service, much like many private companies - and link it to personal performance, efficiency savings and customer satisfaction scores. If you don't provide a better service than last year, at lower cost, then no bonus. Bonus to be capped, so those at the very top can't get silly amounts.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:43, 6 replies)
Political correct wankers
Who accuse you of being 'racist' when you point out the faults of a religion, such as militant Islam.

Punishment: Sent to deepest, darkest Somalia where they can point out the merits of living under such a lawless, backward, poverty-ridden, religiously dominant area.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:39, 33 replies)
3 simple ones
It should be LAW that all 0845, 0800 and similar numbers be advertised along with a normal UK landline number. Failure to respond to landline number in same way as the premium number should be a CRIME and result in that company paying your entire phone bill for 1 year. the robbing cunts

Prisoners should only be released early if they have passed national curriculum exams set at time of incarceration. EG: 5 GCSE's C or above / C&G in plumbing etc.

Taxi firms should have to have child seats, so in the event of being stuck in the middle of nowhere with a toddler or baby, the local firm can send out a taxi with a seat. London Black Cabs should carry one also.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:06, 10 replies)
It's a small thing.
but I won't be apologising for length.
I unfortunately have to share my daily commute with you shower of cunts and it would make that unpleasantry marginally more bearable if you would do the following.

Firstly, if there is an empty seat, then sit. If you have to stand then move down the bus. Secondly, at no point stand between the front wheels. I wish there was a yellow box gate painted the floor discourage this lazy and selfish behaviour.

Thank you for your cooperation. :)
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:50, 2 replies)
Extend Godwins Rule.
The new variant includes right/left wing, paedo, racist and reactionary. It's fun, for limited values of fun, to play Mornington Crescent with Godwins.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 7:32, 11 replies)
As an update to a previous post.
No term limits for politicians. When a politician is voted out, he or she is to be executed by the newly elected official. That is fair to all politicians and means they should be doing their fucking best.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 5:09, Reply)
Fat people who complain about their weight
But then 'treat' themselves to several cakes after managing to shit out a few pounds.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 4:01, 4 replies)
Two things.....
1. Get rid of Jobseekers allowance, offer council style jobs instead like; cleaning, street sweeping, road building, lawnmowing etc. Anyone who turns one of these jobs down....

2. Euthanise like cattle, and burn their bodies in power plants instead of fossil fuels.

Just think about it, for a few seconds. You know I'm right.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 2:27, 4 replies)
Blasphemy delights me …
The greatest threat to world peace today is Islamic Extremism. We are fairly helpless in the face of mad arse fuckers willing to strap bombs to their persons and hurl themselves into our midst. We just resolve to keep on as we are and refrain from a backlash against the largely innocent local minority from whence they spring. The heat and anger of the current jihad will hopefully soon exhaust itself on the Rock of British Resilience.

It’s pretty obvious to me that Religion itself is the problem. I consider all monotheistic Religion to be a brain plague. Islam is merely the most virulent.

All three streams of monotheistic religion are pretty similar if you look at the basics.

Judaism - there is one true god and Abraham is his prophet. Here is the Book, it contains everything you need to know. Oh, and if your mother is a Jew, you are a Jew, live with it, don’t argue, it’s as permanent and undeniable as your skin colour.

Christianity - there is one true god and Jesus is his prophet. Here is the Book [Torah +], it contains everything you need to know. No one is born a Christian. We have this nice little rite of baptism to turn you into one. This rite is open to anyone. If you renounce your religion, they are a bit sad and hope you get better.

Islam – there is one true god and Mohammed is his prophet. Here is the Book [Torah ++], it contains everything you need to know.

However, Islam tightens the noose by combining the two concepts of inherited and acquired religion. If your mother OR father is a Muslim, then you are a Muslim. Don’t argue with it, your religion is as permanent and undeniable as your skin colour. Converts are welcomed with open arms, BUT if you renounce your religion, you are an apostate and must die.

How’s that for an iron clad mental prison?

So back to the problem at hand; Islamic extremism. Feeble minded males, unable to find a missus because the big fat guys in bathrobes have four each, clinging to a flimsy lie that on the other side of that dismembering explosion is as much pussy as they can handle, strapping bombs to themselves and getting on the Tube.

It’s simple really. We just need to categorically prove to the entire Islamic world that god doesn’t exist.

How? I hear you wonder. We invade Saudi Arabia. But Britain is thinly spread at the moment, so I suggest we get China to do it. Shouldn’t be difficult, just a few words in the right ears over a nice dinner of Peking duck with plum sauce. Just point out the vast oil reserves and refinery capacity to directly supply their ever raving populace’s energy requirement with the understanding that the Western world will look the other way, put their fingers in their ears and whistle loudly for about two weeks.

But mere invasion of their holy land isn’t quite enough. I would point out to Hu Jin Tao that the rock in a box is an income producing asset. Every muslim must visit it at least once during their lifetime. So they can carry it off back to China and charge an entrance fee as high as they like to schmucks who can’t argue. It’d look great if they put it in the Water Cube.

Oh how my mind’s eye delights in the sight of the rock in the box guarded by smiling, heavily armed PRC soldiers with a straggle of sulking sand monkeys handing over their hard earned.

- One trip round, 40 yuan!
- Three trips for 100!
- Sir, your time’s up, this way to the gift shop! Please come again.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 2:25, 19 replies)
all manholes should be circular

(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 1:06, 6 replies)
Totally. Utterly. Pointless.
Removed from the calendar for eternity.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 0:25, 10 replies)
no cheezburgers for cats
& stop watching me masturbate, you feline pervs
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 0:24, Reply)
Kill everyone
That should solve all of the problems relating to people, right?
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 23:44, 1 reply)
If all priests, rabbis and imams could hold each other's hands
it would be much easier to drown them all at once.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 23:43, 1 reply)
Solution to the energy crisis.
All those who aren't "fatties" or "chubby" to be made to run on treadmills which generate electricity to power TVs and pizza ovens for the "fatties". Well, I say "made to" -- those perfect people who make sweeping statements about fatties must be in perfect physical shape themselves and must thoroughly enjoy as much exercise as they can possibly have.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 22:22, 8 replies)
You know what really makes my blood boil?
Being exposed to the vacuum of space, as the lack of atmospheric pressure drastically lowers the boiling point thereof.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 22:21, 2 replies)
not enough cars with white-wall tyres these days. Used to see loads of them when I was a nipper.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 22:20, 4 replies)
All blacks should be kicked out the country as soon as they appear.
They're intimidating and violent and I get scared whenever they do the haka.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 22:19, Reply)
"Easy" cook stuff
Boil in the bag rice The advert says you take the bag, pop it into boiling water for ten minutes, open the bag, and out comes rice. So... it's exactly like normal rice, except it's in a bag. And you have to use exactly how much is in the bag at any one time.

Oatso Simple Basically porridge oats in sachets, so the only simplifying they've done is the bit where you measure out some oats. And since you're still going to have to measure out the milk anyway, why fiddle-fart around with these little paper sachets?

Fajita kits Tortillas, spices and salsa in a cardboard box. Because these items are NEVER sold seperately, are they? And everyone has salsa and the same spices in their fajitas.

Stir fry packets You know, the packets full of machine-sliced vegetables. Some people seem to genuinely think it's impossible to make a stir-fry without these, that it's not possible simply to choose your own veg and slice it yourself.

What annoys me about these products is that they con people into thinking that cookery is more complex than it really is and that blah blah blah modern hectic lifestyle blah blah blah. Some people believe these things are cheaper as well, but they very rarely are because you pay for the additional packaging and processing. And this is another thing that makes my blood boil - people being taken in by misleading supermarket pricing. You have to read the small print where it gives £ per KG. Often one thing may be a couple of pence cheaper but only half the weight. This is how supermarkets trick people into thinking packets of veg are cheaper than loose veg, but almost always they are not.

So, yeah, the misanthropic Clarkson-esque statement which I don't actually support is: If you buy any of the above products, you don't deserve to eat.

And parsnips sometimes look like willies.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 21:59, 11 replies)
For those who commit heinous crimes between June and August
I prescribe summery justice.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 21:46, 2 replies)
Instant summary execution
for people who put dogshit in bags and then hang the bags at eye level in the nearest tree.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 21:42, 2 replies)
racial harmony
I think you can trace most problems today, and throughout history, to the human failing of perpetuating a sense of racial identity. If we completely ignored ones race, put aside ones background, threw out the concept of breeding, then most false assumptions based on the above would give the whole of humanity a greater flexibility and sense of acceptance. Once the race issue has been solved, which in my view is the greatest problem confronting man today, all other problems would pale into insignificance beside it.
So lets all join hands today and say; "We are one, we are together, we are free!". Except the Jews of course.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 21:40, 2 replies)
Anyone who takes their willy out and shows it to strangers
should be hung in public.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 21:39, 3 replies)
Scampi Fries because they smell disgusting.
Ban Flamin' Hot Monster Munch because they taste disgusting.
Introduce FREE Mega Roast Beef Monster Munch FOR ALL!! All Day...EVERYDAY!
All of the worlds problems will be solved in a Mega way!
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 21:37, 7 replies)

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