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(europe-who, Thu 7 May 2009, 21:58, 2 replies)

Undergrad Biology
So im an undergrad biology student as the title suggests.

in our lab we have a camera pointed at an experiment, broadcasting to numerous big screens throughout the lab, where 65-70 or so students are working.

65-70 students were suddenly treated to the sight of my member as i pretended to be studying the model specimen, all because one of my mates bet i wouldnt.

i too love being a student!
(asme, Thu 7 May 2009, 21:57, Reply)

£1 on Lordi winning Eurovision
profit!

The only time I've ever been to the bookies.
( thistle, Thu 7 May 2009, 21:56, 3 replies)

When I was kid
we was on holiday in Cornwall, I was down to the last quid of my 'daily allowance' my mum gave me for the day.

Wandered into an amusement arcade, tempted to blow it on some stupid game like Metal Slug or Time Crisis, instead I whacked it in this 'Monopoly' style fruit machine- next thing I know I hit the 'mega streak' and *ching ching ching!*

piles and piles of quids keep dropping, Im over the moon as I'm scooping my prize into my pockets.

I won £25 before getting a bollocking of the arcade owner for being under 18
(Lord Chode, Thu 7 May 2009, 21:46, Reply)

Just the other day I placed my first wager on a horse race
£100 on Flippetigibbet.

I was watching the race on tenterhooks, the horse being a hot favourite and recommended by a friend in the know.

My horse came in at 20 to 1! Unfuckingbelievable!

Unfortunately, the other horses came in at 12:35

Bah!
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Thu 7 May 2009, 21:19, 3 replies)

I've played the National Lottery twice
£2 spent on Thunderball tickets

Winnings stand at £10

I've quite while I'm ahead :D
( thistle, Thu 7 May 2009, 21:12, 1 reply)

A story about not gambling.
Milton Friedman once famously said 'There is no such thing as a free lunch'. I'm sure he is entirely correct. What he failed to mention was a free dinner.

In 2004 I moved down to Portsmouth as a student, naive in that ways of the world. Being away from home for the first time, I was wide eyed, fresh faced and a bit of a chancer.

My halls of residence were right opposite a casino - the Grosvenor on Commercial road. We first worked out after a big night out that the casino stayed open until 4 am, and as long as you behaved yourself they were more than happy to serve you beer until then. The only proviso was that you had to change up about £10 worth of chips.

One evening an older guy in a sharp suit and shiny shoes turned up, changed up £100 worth of chips, sat at the blackjack table, all the staff flapping round him, getting him drinks, and snacks and finally a big plate of steak and chips.

Being skint, a student and always after food, the prospect of steak and chips was too much to bear. Steak is unobtainable to almost all students unless in a food parcel sent from home, in fact I ate very little meat at uni just because vegetarian food was cheaper, leaving more money for beer. To me the idea of a big juicy steak was irresistible, I had to get some and soon.

I knew there was another Grosvenor Casino about a 15 minute walk away in a new shopping and leisure complex. The next day I shaved, got my suit on, polished my shoes, even ironed a shirt.

I walked into the casino, changed up the sum total of my entire bank balance - £255, I still have the receipt pinned to my corkboard. This really put the shitters up the staff, a young guy, well dressed, changing up a large amount of money with a devil may care look in his eye. Having sat down at the bar I was offered a beer which I took, the manager came over and introduced himself and handed me the restaurant menu. One ribeye steak rare and chips and peas please. I sit at the bar biding my time, acting cool, my dinner arrives. I eat it all.

I meander over to the blackjack table play the sum total of 2 hands, I lose both hands, change my chips up and leave £2 poorer but one dinner and two pints richer. I managed this charade once a week alternating between the casinos for a couple of months before the manager collared me for taking the piss. I ate an awful lot of steak in that time.

The moral of this story? Not gambling but acting as if you might will, in the right circumstances, get you a free dinner.
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Thu 7 May 2009, 20:59, 11 replies)

The dirty pint
On my 19th birthday, I was bet that I was unable to drink one without stopping or throwing up.

A dirty pint in this case consisting of 14 assorted shots in a pint glass, topped up nearly to the top with Guinness.

The nearly full pint glass is then carried over to the hapless victim (me) along with a double shot of baileys. The victim adds the baileys and starts downing what is effectively a pint of utterly foul 30-35% alcohol.

The trick is to get it all down before it curdles.

I managed with a vengeance - I carried on drinking all evening. The barman said he couldn't believe I was still upright.

I love being a student.
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 7 May 2009, 20:46, Reply)

Vegas
As most gambling stories should do, this one begins in Vegas.

After landing in LA and driving like a lunatic to Vegas in order to catch Kanye West that is. Driving 120MPH with no sleep in two days was a gamble enough, but we made it.

Went out and hit the tiles, got incredibly INCREDIBLY, drunk. We decide to change up some money to get some chips and get down to business. We decide the roulette table is the way forward.

We sit down. Watch for ten minutes. Ooh what to do.

We leave without placing ONE BET, and go and get our money back.

Has anyone else managed to visit Vegas without betting once? I severely doubt it.
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Thu 7 May 2009, 20:27, 3 replies)

I once ate a dollar
for 5 dollars
( intesvensk can't recall when I last checked the newsletter, Thu 7 May 2009, 20:10, 1 reply)

Not about me but...
Before my Dad was born my Grandad was a merchant seaman but he wasn't getting paid as much as he'd like on the ship he was on so he quit.

Down on the docks he entered a poker game and won another guy's boat on a lucky hand.

I guess he used that boat for whatever work he could get his hands on as he ended up running guns to cuba and trafficking alcohol and cigars back to America.

He said it was one of the best times in his life and I will never forget his immortal words to me about his seafaring days:
'I tell you my dear, on shore it was all wine, women and song, but onboard ship it was rum, bum and concertina'.
( TFD is sporting this season's finest necropants, Thu 7 May 2009, 20:08, 1 reply)

Officially the worst poker experience that can be had.
Again, no punnage. Promise.

Notwithstanding my pathetic pleading to Marlon King a couple of posts down, I am a pretty competent gambler. I'd be lying if I claimed to win money at it, but as long as I stay away from the fruit machines I can keep it to a reasonably inexpensive pastime, and I can usually sit and play blackjack all night on my original tenner while gorging myself on cheap casino food.

I've enjoyed a bit of stud (steady, now) since before the Texas Hold'Em boom ten years ago. I don't see the appeal of online poker myself, so when the world woke up to the general enthusiasm for the game, I installed myself in the corner of the pub league and won three out of the first seven seasons. This was generally recognised as being quite good, and put me through to a few regional games.

One night in the pub league, I'd gone out early, and myself and a few of the regulars had started up a little 20p/50p No Limit cash game on a spare table. For those that don't know, cash games tend to be a bit looser than the tight tournament play on TV, so at these stakes and only four players, we were raising with pretty much any pictures and throwing in notes with pairs.

It was getting pretty close to 11 o'clock and I was about twenty quid down - no biggie. Picking up the 5-6 of clubs, I made it a pound to go. Chap on the button re-raised to £2 and the small blind called. Big blind folded and I threw in another quid. A £5 pot already - this was looking good.

The flop came up 8C - AD - KC.

Small blind checked, I raised £2 hoping to get everyone to fold. Dealer raised me to a fiver. This was getting pretty serious.

Now I didn't know the dealer very well, but the chap in the big blind was a pub regular, Chris, and a good friend of mine. I knew him for playing his cards honestly and betting big on top pairs. So I wasn't all that surprised when Chris fished out his wallet and threw a tenner down. I guessed he was holding an ace. But, hey - I had a flush draw and I wanted to make my twenty pounds back. I matched his money, exhausting my back pocket of pound coins. Small blind folded, so it was just me and my mate Chris.

Turn card: 9C. I made my flush.

Chris still apparently had the top pair and he threw in another tenner. I wondered whether his ace was the ace of clubs, or whether he had A-K or A-9. Whatever, I had a fairly unreadable flush, so I doubled his money with the last twenty in my wallet.

Chris paused for hours. He furrowed his brow, looked at his cards a few times, hummed, whistled, tapped the table, and furrowed his brow some more. I liked the guy, but I knew he didn't get paid much, and I was begging him to fold so I didn't have to wipe him out. Finally, Chris spoke.

"Re-raise", he says, fishing forty quid out of his wallet and throwing it into the middle.

Fuck me.

I assumed he must have another flush. I was beaten in that case, but already committed myself to the pot. I hoped it would be over quickly.

"Just a minute, Chris." I wandered over to the bar and asked the landlord how much cashback he could do. Fifty quid better off, minus the cost of a pint of bitter, I plopped my twenty on the table.

The barman, who was dealing all this, had distinctly shaky hands as he burnt a card and turned over the River.

The seven of clubs.

Fuck me.

Fucking cocking fuck me backwards. With a fucking stick.

I was sitting on a straight flush; pretty much the best fucking hand in the deck. I'd only ever been dealt one before, and that was on a dead-draw when my opponent was already beaten. I felt sorry for Chris, and hoped he'd just check, so I could stick my whole wallet down on the table and make him fold.

"Check" said Chris.

I took the remaining thirty quid out my wallet and laid it on top of the stack of Queens Heads in the middle of the table.

No brow furrowing this time. Chris did what he had to do.

"Raise you fifty", he said, shoving four twenties on top of mine.

Fuck me.

I knew for certain now that Chris must have the ace of clubs, top flush, and would have figured himself to have an unbeatable hand.

Not only did I have to down three-quarters of a pint and go and find some more cashback, I had to suffer the ignominy of being told that there was only £45 left in the till (it was a quiet pub). Eventually, proud possessor of another beer, two pounds worth of 10p pieces and a pint of Guinness to make up the balance, I called. I was now nudging my biggest ever bet, when I staked £150 on a 1-3 hot favourite in order to win £50 back.

"I'm really sorry, Chris" I said as I showed him my 5-6.

"Woah. Shit. I can't believe it" he said.

"Look, I'll let you keep the Guinness", I conceded.

"Damn right" he said, as he turned over the 10-Jack of clubs.

So that was how my biggest ever bet became my biggest ever loss.

Fair play to Chris. He has bought me about ten pints since. And we've both been living out on the story ever since.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Thu 7 May 2009, 20:08, 1 reply)

Did a pint of Baileys
in one once. Kept it down.

Won a massively macho bet there, then...
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 7 May 2009, 19:51, Reply)

In the last 2 and a bit months I have bet over £500,000
Over 14,000 individual bets.

Some people would think that impressive. They'd be marginally less impressed when I said my total profit from that was £900. But then that 500k consists of the same money, just sitting there, getting bigger and bigger and betting each more each time. Without me having to do anything and without risking any money at all*.

Best £140 I ever spent. Of course it's not enough to give up my job yet and live entirely off gambling. But that's the dream.

*Apart from that one time when it lost £50. So I emailed betfair complaining and they gave me the £50 back.
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Thu 7 May 2009, 19:39, 5 replies)

A few years back

Theres nothing like hitting the town with a bunch of squaddies after crawling around in mud and crap all day.
I was just 'one of the lads' and therefore got to see all kinds of manly malarkey fun and games on these nights out.
One of these was for someone to pick out a woman and bet someone else to see if they could pull her.
Just a snog and her phone number also counted as a win
Within a given time limit.
Usually up to an hour max.
If they didnt win they had to buy a bottle of spirits to take back for a nightcap.
Now buying a bottle of booze in a bar isnt cheap so I was glad I never had to play that one.
Until one night.
I get slapped on the arm
Oi why dont you have a go
Me? no way
why not?
Er cos I'm a girly (ok so no real logic there but I needed any old excuse)
Another slap.
Dont be daft, you're one of us.
( i think there was a cack handed compliment somewhere in there)
Just pick a target for DD
Oh fuck,
DD is about 6 foot 3, looks a bit like Daniel Craig with muscles, and has a quite plummy accent.
Looks like I'm going to buying the booze tonight.
Hes grinning at me like a fox eating shit out of a wire brush.
So a quick check on the rules?
So I have to pick a woman in this room?
Yep.
Any woman, any woman at all?
Yep
My choice stands, no matter what?
Yep.
DD isnt grinning now, probably wondering what munter I'm going to settle him with
Ok says I, and I take a look round the room.
Now DD is a looker but he's also an arrogant tosser and were not exactly best mates.
But I give him my best smile and say DD you have 15 minutes to pull........................me
Of course it all goes a bit shouty for a while , lots of you dont count etc
But I'm a woman and im in this room and my choice stands remember.
A bit of conferring and the lads agree.
DD walks off
Someone asks him where hes going
Off to the fucking bar to buy a bottle

yay me :)
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 7 May 2009, 19:29, 4 replies)

Whoever said all footballers were gamblers was a liar
No punnage after the fake address, I promise. This is a copy of a letter I sent a couple of months ago.

---

Ousgg Ousggson
23 Thatsabip Lane
Granitestown
Fordvanshire
PO57 COD

Marlon King
c/o Middlesbrough Football Club
Rockliffe Park Training HQ
Hurworth Place
Darlington
Co Durham
DL2 2DU

16/03/09

Dear Mr King,

On Saturday last (14th March, 2009), I placed a 50p Lucky 15 bet on four football matches as follows:

Scunthorpe to draw with Carlisle 21/10
Portsmouth to beat Middlesbrough 5/2
Southampton to draw with QPR 11/5
Hibernian to beat Hearts 6/4

There is a copy of the online betting slip enclosed.

Had all these predictions been successful, I would have won £135.11, and indeed this was looking to be the case at approximately eleven minutes to five that evening.

However, as I am sure you are aware, Portsmouth very narrowly failed to beat Middlesbrough, thanks to the last-minute goal scored by yourself, and my returns in fact totalled £29.64

I am holding you responsible for my loss of £105.47. I am, of course, completely powerless to carry out any further action (legal or otherwise), but I am hoping you would be generous and good-humoured enough to refund my lost winnings.

If you feel that the rest of the team were partly responsible for the goal, then perhaps a training-ground whip-round would be in order?

Yours hopefully,

Ousgg

---

Bastard never even wrote back with an apology. He could at least have refunded me 36p for the stamp.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Thu 7 May 2009, 19:23, Reply)

The Arse
Every match, she bets for one team (either Arse or Face (WHU))

1st bet fixed when I called from Dubai. Man U vs Arsenal - she bet Arse would win, I accepted (taking the draw - what an amateur) = pink champange (boxed), thank you very much. Side point - she wants me to drink it with her! Fuck off, you lost the bet darlin, I will drink it with whoever I want. She keeps coming round to check its still in my wardrobe! Sucker.

Ok it is, but thats only because I'm waiting for some non claws into my life kind on girl.

A curry followed soon after - another loss.

She's now whinging that next season will have to be for something material - tut - chelsea shirt for me and, err, well the Wembley roof for her.

She's really not getting the point - piss off ya fat cow! I'm not going to shag you!!!

Her wager should have been paid tonight after the slamming of the Arse a week or two ago at 'Kasan' (look it up - nice place to go - Houndsditch) tonight - really getting sick of the currys (turkish - fresh food), but blown me out. Which, by the rules means she now owes me two - oh ffs!

If you want a guartanteed shag, from a married bird, then call her. 0779 ..... I really can't be arsed!
(Suck it and Sea, Thu 7 May 2009, 19:19, Reply)

there
was a machine similar to this at the 'scream' bar I used to go to as a student...

www.laigames.com/products/stackers_new.jpg

anyone else seen one of these? has anyone won a DS yet?
or are they rigged to fuck?
(Lord Chode, Thu 7 May 2009, 19:19, 10 replies)

During
a night of heavy alcohol indulgence, I was bet I couldn't drink half a pint of Pernod for a fiver.
My mate had smuggled a bottle into the venue, so it was all paid for.
Did the deed, kept it down (just), never got my money, but hey, fuck it, I got a free half pint of Pernod.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Thu 7 May 2009, 19:18, Reply)

£5 bets
I bet my mate a fiver that he wouldn't drink something we found in a bottle at the side of the industrial estate (it said 'Cider' on the bottle, but I'm fairly sure it wasn't)... I lost

I bet the same mate a fiver he wouldn't eat a mouthful of that gritty-sand stuff you find in piles at the side of the motorway... I lost that one too.

I've lost too much over the £5 bets....
(one-winged-angel-616 isn't as depressed as she sounds, Thu 7 May 2009, 19:14, Reply)

Craps
My office had a betting pool on when the office bitch would take a shit.

Evidently the (literally!) anal retentive shrew had somehow managed to break her intestines to the point where they thought she might have had a kidney stone, couldn't keep anything down for days, and in fact had not dropped the kids off at the pool in over a week and a half. After sonograms, doctor visits and a couple hundred dollars, they gave her three types of laxatives and said "good luck".

We placed our bets (I was optimistic about the strength of medical grade laxatives and bet for 11:00-12:00) and she chugged, swallowed, and chewed the syrup, pills and digestives in one fell swoop. A stomach full of laxatives pushing a pair of intestines stuffed to the brim with week and a half old shit... at that point we figured she'd explode.

Anal retentive bitch lasted until the 4:30 staff meeting.
(TheManWhoWas SlightlyKnackered, Thu 7 May 2009, 19:00, 2 replies)

White Goods
Oh yes, but I will leave the sexual side out for this post.

I am not a large gambler, and only take out what I can afford to lose, a bit like my girlfriends.(Never a loss there)

In the last couple of years I have won enough money to buy a new fridge, freezer, washing machine,leather sofa(I have two other ones), 50" plasma, oooo, and last month a blu ray player.

Ok, so I could have saved up, stayed in and had the same,although I very much prefer the nights out, casino after a night with the boys & girls when I am far more liberal, non rip off drinks and an ice bar (if you know SS1, then you know where I am a member).

No pressure, but g/f bj....

(Apologies for the lack of Spanky fun but I can't access B3ta from work - tossers)
(Suck it and Sea, Thu 7 May 2009, 18:55, 1 reply)

Bunch of Queens!
Now, minus a wee accumulator at the weekend I rarely bet so it was an odd feeling going in to the bookies and hanging over a fiver of my hard earned dole money cash on a 4-1 shot.

Queen of the South to beat Aberdeen in the semi-final of the Scottish cup. What made this fun was that the game finished 4-3 to QOTS with them taking the lead by 1 every time and Aberdeen pulling one back.

I was helping a mate move house that day and he says the image of me jumping around like a mong who had just found a lolly attached to a shiney thing will stay with him forever!

It may only have been £20 but it felt nice drinking it away!
(puggs, Thu 7 May 2009, 18:35, 1 reply)

Michelle McManus
will never win Pop Idol 2!

I said.

Otherwise I would eat a beermat.

When it was announced that she had beaten 'Mark' I sliced a beermat into small pieces and began to consume it in front of my housemates.

It proved difficult to swallow so I sprinkled the bits onto some chocolate ice cream which rendered it inedible.

I suffered the shame of having the offending ice cream scraped into the bin by the stern-faced counter better as I wheezed on the floor.
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Thu 7 May 2009, 18:08, Reply)

I won a shitload of money on the result of the Chelsea vs Barcelona match last night
Barcelona took their fucking time to score, I was that relieved it was all I could do not to hug Iniesta after his goal.

Mind you, I thought Drogba was going to punch my lights out at the end, and it was a bit scary getting all those death threats and having to be smuggled out of the country earlier today.

Pickled herring for tea tonight to celebrate my win :o)

Bye from Norway,

Tom Henning Ovrebo
(Capo, Thu 7 May 2009, 18:04, 3 replies)

free beers
i've spent many an evening getting happily slaughtered on free beer, due to my 2 favourite bets:

"i bet you i can down a pint in under 6 seconds"

or

"i bet you i can fit my whole fist in my mouth"

it's amazing how easily drunken people are impressed ;)
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 7 May 2009, 18:02, Reply)

i bet i've thought of a better qotw idea than this
wasn't picked tho - cnuts........
( sir loafalot ended an eon of lurking on, Thu 7 May 2009, 18:02, Reply)

(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 7 May 2009, 17:57, 1 reply)

Monsieur Frites
3 friends and I decided to utilise our gap year by completing a season in the Alps skiing. Being thrown into a tiny chalet environment with another 6 lads for 6 months inevitably creates a lot of testosterone fuelled competition whereby bets and challenges were regularly made.

One such instance was when as a group, we decided to stray away from the home cooked delicacies that a limited budget could afford- (crap rice and bread that was as stale as the queen mothers lingerie) and ventured out to an Australian themed cafe on a recommendation that the kangaroo steak was a must-try.

Now the kangaroo steak was served on a chopping board with mango and was as promised- delicious...but the menu stated that the steak was served with chips. The cafe, in a bid to 1) accomodate the 10 of us and 2) to probably save on washing up...served the chips on 2 large silver sharing platters and they werent stingy with the portions.

Before I tell you about the bet that ensued, I have to tell you a little bit about my friend Frank.
Frank was and still is controlled by his love of money...everything he does in life eventually turns towards his need to be rich. He is a tight fisted bastard who wont help anyone unless there is some sort of monetary benefit to him. This however also means he isnt adverse to the odd gamble.

As the 2 mountains of chips were placed on our table, Frank comments in the kind of way only Frank would with a sarcastic 'That ones just for me - you lot can all share the other 1'. Not original at all! but when Saul replied..."i bet you all the money in my wallet that you can't finish that whole platter"... with € signs in his eyes and a new founder hunger - Franks game was afoot.

Frank consumed hundreds and hundreds of chips in an agonising hour of one....chip....after....the ....other.

He finished that platter, won €15 and a 20p piece and stained the piste with chunks of vomitty chips all the way back to the chalet. Over the next few months, the story I have just told you was relayed to the seasonaires and holiday makers across the resort and when walking around with Frank, the beautiful clean mountain air was tarred with the constant greeting of french accents shouting "HEEEEYYYY MONSEIUR FRITES!"

A nickname for life!
(Eggstrovert isnt patronising you...honest..., Thu 7 May 2009, 17:54, Reply)

Bullseye
Ooh I've got the time it takes for the board to revolve to decide whether to gamble or not, settle down, settle in.

Hmm lets see... I've got the George Fornby grill, a fridge freezer, a teas maid, and a Beetamax video recorder. I would really love a speedboat, however I do live a long way away from the sea! And how are me and my partner (With 'HAT' tatooed on her left hand because she lost a finger) going to split a speedboat in half? The sheer wackyness of that thought makes me laugh like the big fat quivering unfunny sellout gibbon that I am.

Signed

Peter Kay.
(Spaff_Quaffer Wise fwom your gwave., Thu 7 May 2009, 17:36, 2 replies)