Playing along with University Challenge, keeping a personal tally of correct answers
and only being able to beat the ubergeekian sprats on the show who know all about art, poetry, literature, microbiology, quantum physics, higher mathematics etc. by happening to be old enough to remember the finer plot details of Ivor the Engine, 70s pop charts, what a laser disc player was, who was the prime minister before Thatcher etc.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 14 Jun 2012, 10:50, Reply)

Should have been posted in Weird Rituals I suppose
As I walk from the car park to the office I always look down to check I'm not wearing my slippers.
(TitanLX, Thu 14 Jun 2012, 10:04, 3 replies)

First time and last time I felt old.
First time I felt really old: me and the g/f would occasionally "babysit" for a family down the road, mostly just looking after the kids in the day when mum popped out to the shops and they played in the street. Three boys all under ten, little gems they were. One in particular was a real star, bright, funny, you could have a proper conversation with him (he had some controversial views on Schumacher's pit stop strategy at the 1998 Hungarian Grand Prix, for instance) which sometimes made you forget how young he was. My bestest mate and I were talking to him about something or other, and described something as gliding across the floor "like a Dalek". And the lad said "What's a Dalek?". And it was at that point that me and bestest mate looked at each other and realised that the last time a Dalek had been on telly was before the little fella was even born. He literally had no idea what they were. (And probably remained in blissful ignorance for another seven years before there were Daleks everywhere again)

Last time was the other week as I was walking up a hill as an immediate prelude to flying off it on a paraglider. Paragliding is mostly a fairly old man's game, but the bloke I was walking up with seemed quite young. I asked him what year he was born, and realised with some depression that I'd graduated university before he took his first breath.
(SonofRojBlake, Thu 14 Jun 2012, 9:49, Reply)

I'll tell ya what makes you feel old.
Having a lovely delivery and then seeing in the notes afterward you delivered the mother of the baby nineteen years ago. Sob
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Thu 14 Jun 2012, 6:18, 4 replies)

I seem to recall
a friend boasting he had just bought a 1 gigabyte USB memory for less than $100.

Yesterday in the post office I saw 12 gigabytes offered for less than a pack of cigarettes.

What price a Commodore 64?
(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Thu 14 Jun 2012, 5:48, 1 reply)

Do not mock my eyebrows
I was in the nightclub scene in a production of "Guys and Dolls", sitting with my 'date' at a small table, and all she wanted to do was mock my errant, antenna-like eyebrow hairs, and make me break character. Do not do that. I find my way through dark enclosed tunnels using these hairs.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 23:00, 3 replies)

It is my b3ta-birthday in a few days...
...and I just couldn't care less.
(IdlePeAcEsign if trouble were my mistress, i'd send her to them, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 22:05, Reply)

Young people these days
should pull their trousers up.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 21:37, 6 replies)

Getting old is hitting milestones
Last year I turned 36, the kids that went to University last year were born in the year I went to University.
I also keep saying that A levels are getting easier so at least I'm not tangenting too wildly yet.
(Akhaal, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 21:37, Reply)

2(well 3ish) things very recently. dropped some stuff of at the recycling plant/dump and was a little bit saddened by the mountain of CRT tv's. It was quite poetically sad. I would have taken a pic but i dont like mobiles (thats my "ish") .

and i think an ipad is basically sci fi. I sit there playing games etc and still amazed that i can just touch and drag stuff around, i make little "woahs" "cool" etc with stuff like that 2 finger zoom thing.

whilst my 7 year old looks at me like I'm a retard with a jangly bunch of keys.

oh and i still say things like "cool" and "rad"
(Matty73, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 21:05, Reply)

I heard Nevermind on BBC radio 2 yesterday.
Nevermind.
( Sipowicz Official member of Team Seam, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 19:52, 1 reply)

Tomorrow I'll be 47 years old.
I've never been married or had children. I've only recently owned my own property for four years and I learnt to drive nine years ago because I had to for work.

Growing old is not an option. I will fight it tooth and nail.
( girlinthehole, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 19:30, 17 replies)

Testicular senility
An awareness campaign

Many of the posts here are by men bemoaning their sudden lack of cognisance faculties. Others chart the same decline as a gradual thing.

Simultaneously many b3tan males are displaying a decreased sex drive and or lack of physical prowess with advancing years.

I would say both these come from the same source a depression in the testosterone output. Testicular senility explains how these are related.

What is Testicular senility?

Have you been accused of 'thinking with your balls?' Even if you haven't, you probably have and this is not such a bad thing. As we reach adolescence we are suddenly confronted with more responsiblities and learning experiences. The human body is an amazing thing in its adaptivity, and utilises the sudden growth of the adult body with the need to develop the adult mind.

By transferring entire thought processes to the testicles the mind frees up space for the increased cognitive demand placed on it. The mind in effect becomes a dual core processor. This is analogous to modern computers utilising the solid state memory of plug in devices to boost processing speed.

As we age testosterone decreases, forcing these thoughts out of the balls, up the spine and into the brain. The sudden imposition of thought algorithms that had been safely loaded in ones testicles since the onset of puberty can at times overload the mind. This leads to slower thinking in a condition know to the medical community as 'Befuddlement'

The more you know.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 19:01, Reply)

A short one
I just ended a phone conversation with a young-sounding chap in a call centre with "Thanks, son". Whoops.
( Fronds are waving gently on, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 18:44, Reply)

I find myself repeating stories to people who've already heard them.
It's a little worrying. It should be at least another 30 years before I'm expected to reach that state of decrepitude. =o(
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 18:42, 1 reply)

I'm now of an age where I contemplated joining the village Morris side.
Sadly, I fell at the first hurdle in joining up as I've been circumcised. Apparently you have to be a complete prick to be a Morris Man.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 18:30, 7 replies)

The Menswear Department
For some reason, I always seem to have felt older than I am.

Musically, I became completely fucked up at a fairly early point in my life. At the tender age of eight or nine, I declared punk to be a load of rubbish and went off to listen to some classical music for a bit, at least until Kate Bush came along. Over the years, I have found no reason to dispute the soundness of that particular decision.

Around 1987, I was listening to the new Stevie Nicks album. It was crap, but I've subsequently found out that as I'd bought a limited edition version it's now worth around thirty quid, so I've actually got a profit on a bit of media that I bought (unlike all those VHS tapes). Anyhow, there was this one track with a guitar solo. It was awful, didn't really fit in with the rest of the track at all. So I was there thinking "What this needs is an accordion solo... Oh shit! Am I that far gone?"

I took to watching "Top of the Pops" with the sound down. It was more interesting that way, or at least until you started being able to work out what the act on screen was playing simply by looking at them at which point, change the channel and sod the charts. I was barely 22 at the time.

All the acts the recording industry marketed at my age group during the 90's completely missed me. The Stone Roses, Oasis, Blur, it was all shite; never connected with any of it. Coldplay? Fucking hate them! They had me agreeing with Jeremy Clarkson, and that's not on (he said they sounded like Leonard Cohen singing at his dad's funeral). There's next to bugger all that's any good come out of the mainstream in the last twenty odd years, and no sign that that's going to change in the next twenty either.

And the menswear department?

I was never the most fashionable fellow, but around 1995, I was stood in the middle of the menswear department of Littlewoods. Hardly the most inspiring of places, but I had forgotten what I went in there for. As I looked all around me looking for something to jog the memory, I realised something; nothing stood out. I was surrounded by this sea of bland, a mass of crap, dreary colour painted on a canvas of unimaginitive shapes.

Over the years, this plague has spread. Menswear departments depress me. When you've under thirty, every company wants to know you, wants to sell you stuff. But when you hit 30, that's it, they don't care any more. They think that by now they've got you hooked on whatever it is they are selling, so they move on to the next bunch of suckers. The result is, in fashion terms, that you are allowed to dress like you're in your twenties, or you get to dress like your grandfather.

Only the regulation colours allowed; black, grey, navy, brown, beige, or something that's been specially produced so that it looks dull and depressing (they could make yellow look miserable if they tried). Want trousers that fit right, don't drag your underwear about and look like someone actually bothered ironing them before stuffing them on a hanger in the store? Fuck off you fat, unfashionable old git! Want a shirt the right size, or with long sleeves? Don't be fucking awkward! Want something that actually looks good on you and doesn't make you look like a complete twat trying to dress half their age? You're 'aving a laugh!

The retailing experience in general is a complete pile of unwashed hardened wank rags, but a menswear department... that's them just rubbing your nose in it and telling you you're too old to exist let alone be wanting to buy clothes. I remember when they used to be a colour other than grey.

So I'm having a rebellion (or is it a mid-life crisis?). Punk didn't work for me, so I'm trying something else. I've been wandering around the women's department instead. Now aside from the fact that this is an area where the fashion industry really does take the piss, largely at the expense of it's customers who wind up wearing some totally ugly and repugnant shit in the name of fashion (e.g. the muffin top, leggings, the maxi dress, etc.), it is at least a lot more colourful and much more varied, and they do at least recognise that people exist between 30 and retirement, just.

OK, to be honest, I got totally fed up fruitlessly trudging around menswear stores getting nowhere and being made to feel like a middle-aged old fart, so I acquired a skirt...

Now, look! You honestly think menswear retailing has discovered the leisure kilt? They'd only manage to fuck it up if they did. If Henry VIII could get away with the tights and miniskirt look, then why can't I? Plus, if it is a mid-life crisis, it's cheaper and far less dangerous than getting a motorbike and behaving like a right cunt on the road.

It's nothing too outlandish; it's black, a-line and below the knee, but JTFC, is this thing comfortable! Ever spent the day lounging around the house in your underwear? It's like that, but everywhere! I'm half tempted to lose the underwear, but that could get tricky in a gust of wind situation. I've worn it on a couple of long car journeys, and it's solved a long standing issue with trousers where everything moves around and I wind up sitting there with my bollocks aching like they've been shoved into a vacuum packing machine and someone hit the start button because everything has gotten squashed up against the uncompromising crotch fabric.

It's also new and fun and interesting. I don't have to be concerned with having to fit myself around fashion, 'cos, well, it's not exactly an "in" thing in men's fashion, and since there's a load of designs which are pretty much timeless, you don't have to wind up feeling like some old coot in their 20 year old son's clothes. I'm out of fashion in this thing by about 500 years, but so what? Oh, and they're simple enough for a little DIY construction, although I really aught to learn to sew in a straight line!

Am I rambling? Sorry, what was the question again, sonny? Nurse! Nurse! Is it time for my medication yet? Get my melodeon, I want to annoy the neighbours some more!

Length? A couple of inches below the knee.
(An eejit passing by in a purple satin skirt with sparkly bits, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 17:57, 2 replies)

By the hair on my chinny chin chin
Found a black hair growing under my chin last year, wiry little bugger it was too.
Duly plucked out, it usually takes a few months before it appears again.
Only now its gone grey and I usually feel its there before I can see it.
But at least its still only the one.

What did make me feel I was getting old lately was spending an enjoyable lunchtime pottering around the garden centre instead of going to the pub.
Then making a nice cuppa and seriously toying with the idea of having an afternoon nap.

Oh dear
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 17:23, Reply)

Age changes perception
With every birthday (I had one this past Sunday and only one b3tan sent me wishes), my definition of "old" gets pushed back another decade.

While I can appreciate the beauty of an 18 year-old, my eyes stray to women over 30 with their confidence and experience.

The vagaries of having to find something exciting at a club or a bar have been replaced with satisfaction in doing what I enjoy and not caring if it's the "new" thing.

As for music, I can pick up the new stuff (that isn't auto-tuned garbage) and also see the progression from older music, and love to tell a younger crowd that the song I just played that they think is new is actually older than they are.

I am still young and I mock growing old.
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 17:16, Reply)

I'm old because
Music these days is shit. Trousers appear to be too baggy or too tight with nothing in between. Television is really cheap and is all controlled reality. The leader of our country is too young. No-one can spell or punctuate anymore. People don't understand when to use "Your" or "You're". Science is viewed with skepticism and suspicion. The internet is just used for Cats and Comments. People wear caps with the sticky label left on. The primary meeting place for music afficionados appears to be Bus Stops or Shopping Centres.

Basically you know you're old when you start noticing that things have changed.
( DinivanX Has stinging piss after drinking Pact Coffee, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 16:30, 4 replies)

MAMIL
Since taking up mountain biking nine years ago, I’ve spent my weekends exploring miles of singletrack, bridleways or trail centres. I’ve now got three bikes built to suit different disciplines within the sport and can now probably rebuild a bike with my eyes shut.

However, in spite of my somewhat conservative riding style I’ve also clocked up five visits to Casualty, four x-rays, a minor concussion, three ruptured shoulder ligaments and a resulting operation to fix, two black eyes, two broken ribs, a disc rotor burn to my left calf and numerous lacerations to fingers as a result of bodged maintenance and collisions with thorny flora.

It’s rapidly beginning to occur to me that I’m not actually very good at it. But even as I head rapidly toward my fifth decade (now only two years away) on the planet I still cannot bear the thought of hanging up my (baggy) shorts just yet.

Should I just take up gardening and be done with it?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 13 Jun 2012, 16:10, 3 replies)

First?
I'm not sure, but I think my reactions may be slowing down a bit these days.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 16:07, Reply)

Instead of firing up the PS3 or surfing t'web for pr0n
Having finished work for the day I bought a Tempur pillow, sliced up a pineapple and papaya for a fruit salad later, made a rogan josh for tonight's dinner and did some washing and all in all felt quite satisfied at my handiwork.

Not just old but boring too.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Wed 13 Jun 2012, 15:49, 3 replies)

What's my name again?

(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 15:42, 2 replies)

My barber asked me if I wanted my eyebrows done. :)
I can still remember when he used to put a plank of wood across the arms of the chair for me to sit on.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 15:41, 8 replies)

I find myself repeating stories to people who've already heard them.
I'm barely 30 and yet I've already perfected something that people twice my age are renowned for... =o(
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 15:19, 3 replies)

I pissed myself

(McChinaman banned, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 15:16, Reply)

I have this one
long grey hair that grows out of the middle of my forehead.

If I am going anywhere important for work then my Mrs checks. Going to a wedding or "dressing up" social event then the crazy forehead hair check takes place.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 15:16, 3 replies)

I used to get annoyed at people who posted answers that had already been done many times.
Now I am apparently too senile to even notice the answer immediately preceding my last one says exactly the same thing.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 15:15, 4 replies)

My barber asked if I wanted my eyebrows done. :(
I still remember when they had to put a plank of wood across the arms of the chair for me to sit on.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 14:53, 3 replies)