My mate's wife
I'd always liked her. But gradually, like turned into attraction, which turned into lust, which turned into a crush, which turned into a desperate, all-consuming, obsessive desire to jungle-fuck her till her fillings rattled. I would have crawled a million miles over broken glass just to wank on her shadow.

But I kept it to myself. After all, they were both mates, and I'm not a bastard. Not that she would ever have strayed, anyway - I knew she took fidelity seriously (which is probably why I managed to be so virtuous, of course...) It wasn't easy; I don't think I've ever wanted anyone so badly. I'm surprised my balls didn't explode every time I was in the same room as her.

Then, one fateful day, I heard that their marriage was in trouble. This was hardly a surprise; even at the wedding reception, we'd all been running a sweepstake on how long it would last. No-one went higher than two years; one bid was two weeks. And I remember quipping to another mate that I hoped I'd be around to "offer comfort" to her when the marriage did implode, as it surely would.

But now joking had become reality. Rumours abounded that he was desperately looking for a way out. He was hoping she'd have an affair, so it would be easy to end things. He was apparently asking mates if they'd like to "Take her off his hands"!*

He even suggested this to me, though he had no inkling of the warm spot I had for her**. Naturally I declined, because I'm not a complete bastard. And clearly the correct thing to do would be to wait until they were formally broken up before making any kind of move - at least by an hour or so. It's just politeness.

And that's what I did. I can highly recommend fulfilling an apparently impossible obsession, if you get the chance. All those desperate longings for the unreachable girls of my youth were erased by the delivery of what felt like an imperial pint of semen into this golden-haired angel.

OK, so this isn't a crap RomCom, so we didn't end up together in the long term. The obsession burned out, in the end. But we're still friends; in fact we swap babysitting duties these days.


* Yes, he was a complete arse.

** A mattress.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 13:28, 3 replies)

"I would have crawled a million miles over broken glass just to wank on her shadow."
^That's romance^

Right there, kids. Read and learn.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 13:32, closed)

Ha ha ha!
clawed straight from the pages of Mills and Boon, no less.
( Smallbrainfield, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 13:43, closed)

Perhaps inevitably,
I should like to take this opportunity to suggest that you have never even so much as touched a woman.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 13:35, closed)

In matters of infatuation might I suggest
having a wank over the object of your desire and seeing how you feel about her/him then.

*Rinse & repeat as often as necessary for a happy trouble free life.
( bane, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 14:36, closed)

Well, until they broke up
...I could never get close enough to have a wank over her.

But seriously folks, I'm talking about a phase of my life that lasted for the best part of a year. There was much Whitewater Fisting during that time, as you can imagine. It took far more than a few discrete Shermans to get past it.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 14:45, closed)