Self Service Checkouts in supermarkets
Arrrrrrrrggggghhhh!

I know they are supposed to be quicker for people with a couple of items

They're not. They're annoying, badly made, and make a 1 minute transaction drag out 10 times as long

Unexpected item in the bagging area? Oh don't worry thats a hand grenade
(Sir Tainley Barking Ezekiel 23:20, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 9:51, 20 replies)

I use these a lot
and always have to get the till people over to sort it for me. That's OK because as long as the staff are still needed to put the mess right they'll keep their jobs.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 9:59, closed)

I just want them to start with the question "can you read?"
And if you press "yes" then stop f'ing talking to me. They have the most annoying voices and ask you to do what you a) know you need to do b) are already doing or c) have done already and are waiting for the machine to catch up.

I should not have to spend my time saying "I know!" to a bloody machine.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 10:04, closed)

The first thing I do with those machines is touch the "volume" icon repeatedly until the red X shows up.
The last thing I want is everyone around me knowing just how much booze I buy from the incessant "approval needed" announcements.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 10:28, closed)

Once you've been approved once
You can buy as much booze as you want.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 10:57, closed)

Yeah, but I usually forget to summon the shop droid for approval until after I've scanned everything and want to pay.

( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 11:05, closed)

Out of intrest how old are you?
I assume that you have a basic understanding of technology as you are posting here. So what is it that you find so fucking difficult about scan, bag, scan, bag, scan, bag, pay? Also, if your the cunt I get stuck behind who takes 10 fucking minutes to use one of these machines you will find yourself in sudden, excruciating pain closely followed by the sound of a baked bean tin falling to the floor from head height.
(Bushcricket, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 10:21, closed)

*click*
I can do a 1 to 3 item purchase in about 45 seconds flat on these.

If I have to wait for someone to look bewildered, it makes me want to stab them.

Someone I was with fucked up my flow once by leaning on the scales. I don't talk to them anymore.
( Lord Keeps meaning to procrastinate., Thu 7 Apr 2011, 11:52, closed)

On the plus side...
you can put through an ipod as broad beans.
( the dalai farmer always likes tea, but especially on, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 10:53, closed)

How d'you do that?
My iPhone barcode reader often tells me that packs or veg or bottles of soft drinks are really computer spares. Wouldn't want that happening at the self-scanning checkout.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 11:58, closed)

This
I had a chance to try Manuka honey the other day when it somehow scanned as normal Tesco honey. Verdict: Nice, but not worth a tenner.
(bblgoose, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 12:13, closed)

I like them
They offer a very useful method of sorting normal, intelligent people from complete spacktards.

However, I only ever seem to get stuck behind the spacktards who can't understand the concept of scanning stuff and putting it in a bag.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 10:56, closed)

If you're incapable of using a perfectly simple bit of technology
then why don't you queue up for a manned till with the rest of the doddering grannies, you doddering granny? You can have a nice chat with the doddering granny on the till about how things were better in the olden days. Then you can dodder home and warm up your spam for tea.

edit: I see this point has already been made some number of times
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 11:07, closed)

I like that: 'Can you read?'
I regularly spend 4 or 5 hours sorting those bastard things out for customers - if they just worked properly in the first place, it would be fine. Most of the time I can't even tell someone why the machine has messed up weighing. Especially with fruit/veg. It weighs it once, then again. Somehow this requires me to come beep my barcode to sort the error out! What? :(
( Bats, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 11:47, closed)

I thought of a simple solution to self-service till woes the other day.
A one-minute time limit. As soon as you scan your first item, a clock starts ticking onscreen. You then have 60 seconds to scan the rest of your shopping. When the time runs out, the scanner shuts off and you pay for whatever you managed to scan. This would not only add a bit of Generation Game-style excitement to your shopping trip, but would also banish the problem of standing in a 6-deep queue watching your lunchbreak ebb away as a thicko tries for ten minutes to find 'Apple Tango' in the list of fruit onscreen. It would also put an end to those days of standing in line, clutching a lone bag of Tangfastics as the couple in front put through a month's worth of shopping.

For added fun, a trapdoor could open up which swallows all the stuff you didn't get time to scan (thus discouraging anyone from putting it through in two lots). Oh, and another trapdoor could open up which swallows shoppers who attempt to pay by emptying a jam-jar of pennies, centimes and buttons into the coinslot.
(costas, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 11:54, closed)

You seem to have accidentally highlighted a far bigger problem here.
You're wasting your lunch buying shit from a supermarket. Your life is ebbing inexorably away and the best thing you can think of to do with your all-too-brief midday break is to buy shit from a supermarket. If I were you, I'd be less concerned with the technical ineptness of others and more concerned with the futility of your own existence.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 12:05, closed)

That depends
My lunch options are McDonalds or Morrisons. With the myriad other offices, furniture shops, electrical shops, and Toys R Us around here, McDonalds isn't even a contender - it's Morrisons or nothing.
(bblgoose, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 12:12, closed)

Make butties. Feed the pigeons. Feed a bag lady. Take up roller skating. Feed a roller skater.
Morrisons is not the only thing on your horizon. More reasons more reasons more reasons more reasons to avoid spending your free time at morreessons.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 12:21, closed)

I do make sandwiches sometimes
but I'm lazy, so often can't be arsed. Besides which, my lunch, although written in my contract as half an hour, actually lasts as long as it takes me to buy food, bring it back to the office, and eat it. Therefore, time in a queue is just time being paid to not work. Kind of like pooing.
(bblgoose, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 13:08, closed)

nooooo, the ones in tescos (maybe other places too) have chutes
they're great if you've been sent out on a booze run and everyone has given you shrapnel. Just empty your pockets in and it counts it all up for you. Lovely.
( kappynitty doubled your entendre on, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 12:30, closed)

No. When the timer reaches zero
the disguised trapdoor upon which your basket was placed opens up and removes all the unscanned groceries.
( Tab Hunter Make this useless process end and so, begin again, Thu 7 Apr 2011, 12:53, closed)